By Carl Mohrbacher
Depending on where you live in the Chicagoland area, you may have had your regularly scheduled Bears broadcast preempted by incessant weather reports or annoying gray screens insisting you “seek shelter.”
Hey, Mary Kay Kleist and the CBS meteorological team, if I want to know if it’s raining, I’ll step outside and attempt to prevent my grill from blowing through the concrete facade of the Taco Bell seven blocks from my home.
So while the Bears were slogging their way to a gutsy/gusty 23-20 OT victory, my family and guests were huddled in the basement . . . which is where we put all of the exotic beers my buddy brings over. Nothing quells the fear of impending doom like a liter of Serpent’s Stout.
Game aside, certain questions come to mind. Like, why doesn’t the word “tornado” get a game pushed to 3 p.m.? Is the Soldier Field turf laid on Snack Packs? And, is “Tornado” the name of the guy who was signed off the street to back up David Bass?
For those of you who don’t have the NFL Replay package, here’s a recap of the game action for you, as told by me shouting at my computer:
. . . The Bears run defense sucks worse than Ray Rice this season. Noted.
. . . You’re running that same corner route again? I’m mad too, Brandon!
. . . This is AWESOME! WHO IS DAVID BASS?
. . . There are three of you covering Torrey Smith . . .
. . . Why didn’t someone not named Torrey Smith of you catch that?
. . . Did they only throw the ball like five times in the third quarter . . . oh, it was three.
. . . BOWMAN!!!! NOOOOOOO!!! NOOOMAN!!!!
. . . I hate you Dallas Clark . . .
. . . Cap’n CRUUUUUUNCH!!!!
. . . Huh, what am I doing without pants at my desk? Oh the Bears won? Sweet.
Low Point
I didn’t learn anything from this game, and not just because I was in my basement getting annihilated on Blood Of The Unicorn, but here’s an interesting nugget for those of you pining for such things.
Thanks to the apocalyptic weather that rolled through the Midwest, the Bears defense boasted their season low with 20 points allowed.
So, the football equivalent of not running into your boss because he spent most of the day on conference calls with his divorce lawyer is what the D-unit can hang their hat on.
You Mess With The Wool, You Get The Horn
If the names of whoever the hell is playing for your Chicago Bears have slipped your mind, then get ready to think twice about what you don’t know, or should be expected to, about the anonymous squad of professional players that populate the team that is coming up next, whose name escapes me at the moment.
Oh yeah, Jeff Fisher used to coach the Oilers.
Now I was kind of hoping that another rash of severe storms would roll through and provide nearly two weeks for me to check out mentally, but no such luck. My milkman pointed out that St. Louis plays in a dome now and not in Los Angeles as I had previously assumed, so the chances of precipitation are slim.
So get pumped to view guys who may or may not be employed by professional football teams next year, like Kellen Clemens.
Clemens is a journeyman quarterback so journeyed that his picture on the NFL’s official bio page appears to have been taken while he was still wearing a Menards employee polo.
And did you know that Chris Givens was the leading receiver on the Rams? Neither did he, but he won’t make that mistake again after he lays four catches and 56 yards all over Chicago this Sunday.
It’s gonna be an electric indoor festival of fire this Sunday . . . SUNDAY . . . SUNDAY . . . when the Rams newest star blazes onto the scene with the force of a guy named Zack! I don’t know much about him!
St. Louis Rams Football: Taste The Abbreviation.
Kool-Aid (1 Out Of 5 Bottles Of Budweiser)
The Bears are right on target to becoming the least scary 7-4 team ever, so I’m not super hyped about this contest, though I’m sure astute readers have already picked up on that.
You’ve got yourself a game here that only lends itself to letdown, as has been the case with any Bears-Rams tilt since 2004.
But just for the sake of a little fandumb:
WOOT! Let’s go! Rah Rah! Yay . . .
Look, I’ll be happier, you’ll be happier, we’ll all be a little happier if/when the Bears come out on top . . . but only a little happier.
Bears 24
Rams 21
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on November 21, 2013