By Carl Mohrbacher
Yeah! Who’s king of the jungle now, bitches?
If Rudyard Kipling’s classic Tale Spin has taught me anything*, it’s that Bears always win fights against jungle cats. The second half of Sunday’s game proved that timeless maxim true once again.
Meaty-Thighs Jones-Drew (image courtesy of SoundingTubes.com) might be one of the most talented backs in the AFC, but even his ability to squat a Buick with a fat chick riding mechanical bull mounted to its hood wasn’t enough to drive the Jacksonville offense for more than 50 second half yards. Your move, Old Spice marketing department.
For those of you who couldn’t make it down to Jacksonville to watch the game, there’s a regional Old Spice spot which features (at press time) Jacksonville quarterback Blaine Gabbert getting his hair washed by a hot chick on the field while his teammates sprint after an opposing DB with the ball in the background.
Tagline: “I’m gonna take this stunner home. Not because I’m allegedly the starting quarterback for an NFL franchise, but because of my smell.”
Whistle, whistle, whistle!
A Cut Above
On Sunday, Jay Cutler passed Billy Wade for Bears second place franchise marks in both yards and touchdowns. A quick scan of acronym-based sports-themed websites made it pretty clear that Jay Cutler also managed to become the least ballyhooed quarterback to lead an offense to a 500-yard game and a 4-1 record.
Similar criticisms echoed throughout the web.
* Cutler hasn’t led a team to a fourth-quarter comeback.
* The Bears will only go as far as the defense will take them.
* Cutler’s own offensive line hates him so much that they steal his belongings.
I counter with:
A) Good. I like it when the Bears are winning.
B) Good. I like it when the Bears are winning a game because the other team can’t score.
C) Good. I like it when the Bears are winning a game because the other team’s defense can’t take their eyes off of Roberto Garza’s hot bod.
We’re okay with narratives of redemption for animal killers and alleged rapists, but snarky attitudes?
Get right the f*$% outta Dodge.
Seriously, whose kielbasa does this guy have to scale to get a little love?
Then it dawned on me.
In order to win the hearts of the people, Jay Cutler must command a legion of angry NHL fans on a tireless deathmarch to the King’s Landing of Canada. He must unleash a ruthless horde that will not rest until NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has been toppled from the Iron Throne and hockey has been returned to the city of Ice Champions, Los Angeles. Preferably in the next 10 days . . . I don’t entirely trust Jason Campbell to beat the Lions.
Or better yet, we should just hire George R. R. Martin** to write Bears post-game coverage.
Am I biased?
Hell to the F-ing yes. Check the column’s title.
It does not read “You’re Alright, I’m Alright, Fuzzy Time NFL Fairness Concern.”
Not to be confused with the column “Fuzzy Concerns” on FurTubes.com, which I contribute to quarterly.
The Mitten’s Kittens/Future Kool-Aid (3 Out Of 5 Cups Of Cheli’s Chili***)
Next up, eventually, is a home game against the Detroit Lion.
Not a typo.
Look, I’m sure Matt Stafford is a pretty good quarterback. But what Old Spice body wash is to scoring girls thanks to the recreational maritime vehicle bench pressing abilities it bestows on you, Calvin Johnson is to catching passes. In either case, toss a ball their way and they come down with it.
Full disclosure, this column was sponsored by Old Spice . . . in the sense that I kind of drank eight ounces of aftershave this morning because my wife hid the schnapps.
By all accounts, by which I mean win/loss record and anonymous comments from NFL GMs, the arrow on the rest of the Detroit Lions is pointing down.
Referring again to win/loss record, the eye test and the fact that Bears defeat (other?) jungle animals in battles of whit and strength (see above), Lovie Smith’s squad should win this game.
The Lion will put some points on the board because I don’t think even Tim Jennings can jump that high. Detroit tight end Brandon Pettigrew will catch for significant yardage in the Cover 2 soft spots. Alshon Jeffery will be out, so hopefully Earl Bennett will be able to suit up after a couple weeks off.
Even so, let’s get a little excited, because the Bears will win this game and a 5-1 starts to make things seem real.
Bears 24
Lions 17
*You’ve got two weeks to untangle that reference. Fans of short stories published in 1894 and 1990’s Saturday morning cartoons, we’ve got you covered!
**It’s Two For The Price Of One Literary Reference Day here at Beachwood. Books: There’s words inside ’em!
***Which is located in Dearborn, Michigan, unfortunately. Didn’t it feel like Chris Chelios played more than a third of his career in Chicago?
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid beat. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 11, 2012