By Carl Mohrbacher
The Story So Far
If one is to measure pearls of wisdom in ounces of pain, Bears fans learned a lot this season. Here are some of my favorite takeaways:
* If ESPN has anything to say about it, Brett Favre will never really retire.
* Thumb injuries can hurt more than a hit from Mike Tyson. Not a punch, but rather this little diddy which was a number one hit in Guam.
* Horrible fumbles aside, Marion Barber and Kahlil Bell inadvertently played well enough to remove a Scarface-esque duffel bag full of money from Matt Forte’s possession.
* Speaking of holidays and Scarface, Happy Birthday to this guy!
* Coming up with lists of Jewish porn stars never gets old and the Bears roster was more top-heavy than Daphne Rosen. Huh. I didn’t think Mommy Likes Brothas and My Mother Loves The Brothers 5 both pulled out, er, came out, um, were released last year.
* Jay Cutler was the NFL’s most valuable player, in the sense that no player was more responsible for his team’s success or failure. Or maybe . . .
* Caleb Hanie is the worst backup in the NFL. Not a good sign when you’re using Cardinals’ backup and star of The Nightmare Before Christmas’ John Skelton as your benchmark for expectation.
* There has never been a GM who makes moves that quietly don’t get enough credit (Briggs, Hester, Tillman, Cutler, Peppers, Forte) and simultaneously don’t get loud enough blame (all players added to the secondary since 2005; the 2007 draft*) for a single season than Jerry Angelo.
* Just like that time when the Titanic’s in-house cellist really nailed that 32nd note arpeggio, the Bears offensive line started playing respectably, albeit too late for anyone to notice.
The Sack Man Cometh
Speaking of unnoticed, Jared Allen has been having a really good season for the Vikings. He is four sacks away from Michael Strahan’s all-time record. While Strahan provided Favre with a lifetime supply of Subway sandwiches and dapper vests in exchange for his role in the, shall we say controversial 22nd and a half-th (?) sack, Allen’s offer of “several” headbands and one steer has not been enough to impress Bears starting QB (groan) Josh McCown.
Expect the Bears to F-up the Vikings’ day by allowing only 2.5 sacks to the Minnesota D-lineman.
Take that Vikings.
Rarrrr.
Kool Aid (Zero Out Of Five Crystal Clear Glasses Of Minnetonkan Water)
True story.
I spent all of Week 14 writing an article that drew the comparisons between the Bears’ 2008 Week 17 loss to the Texans (the Bears were 9-6 at the time) and the upcoming loss to the Vikings. I was sure the Bears were going to win two of the last six games.
There were Adrian Peterson and Andre Johnson analogies, insights into Jay Cutler’s ill-advised return from an injury too early in the season ala Kyle Orton’s poor play after a high ankle sprain; it was gonna be true sports insight at its finest!
Oh, who am I kidding. I dreamed that whole scenario up while I was painting in an unventilated bathroom on December 26th. I got a nice new rag for Christmas.
Well, I guess I was just huffing a bunch of paint at the time.
Okay, you got me.
I ate a Sharpie after drinking a cup of Listerine.
Dream, fantasy, poison-induced hallucination, all code for the drippings of gray matter, which is what the 2011 season feels like.
I’ve checked out, you’ve checked out, why would I expect the Bears to be any different?
Vikings 12, Bears 10.
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*Stop writing me, Corey Graham Fan Club.
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Send your comments and complaints to Carl.
Posted on December 29, 2011