By Eric Emery
Last week, a group including conservative columnist Rush Limbaugh, announced their intention to by the St. Louis Rams. The Chicago Bears management was surprised by the announcement; mostly because they had no idea conservatism was so profitable. After this epiphany, the Bears turned to more conservative practices, such as:
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Change: Pay structure change to “Cutlernomics.”
Result: Bears pay Jay Cutler $90 million a year, and Cutler pays the rest of the team as he sees fit.
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Change: A new Bears social program called “Urlacher Works.”
Result: Those deadbeat kids work around the house. No more free handouts.
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Change: “Adamstinence” programs.
Result: DT Anthony Adams teaches Brian Urlacher about abstinence, instead of handing him a condom.
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Change: Capital “Gaines” Tax.
Result: Instead of paying income tax, all Bears players pay a 15 percent tax to TE Michael Gaines.
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Change: Soften environmental controls.
Result: Ten percent of the Gatorade made using yesterday’s whirlpool water.
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Change: Support of Second Amendment rights.
Result: Bears re-acquire Tank Johnson.
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Change: The Smith Doctrine.
Result: Just in case he is threatened during the game, head coach Lovie Smith is allowed to kick the opposing coach in the nuts anytime before the game.
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Change: The Patriot Act.
Result: Bears scouts allowed to intercept the opposing team’s sideline-to-QB communications.
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Change: Enemy Combatants.
Result: All opposing players called for holding will be held on sideline for an indefinite amount of time, without access to representation.
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Change: School Vouchers.
Result: Players receiving vouchers can skip meetings involving the underperforming defensive line and go to the well-performing QB meetings instead.
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Change: Dissolve team doctors because it’s “socialized medicine.”
Result: Matt Forte pays for best trainers and doctors. Long snapper Patrick Mannelly goes to a “massage parlor” for treatment.
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Bears at Falcons
Storyline: With both teams at 3-1 and in second place in their divisions, it’s a “must win” for both teams.
Reality: Bears fans will say “Hey, the Steelers are 3-2, so we beat a team over .500.” I say “Hey, the Steelers are not that good.”
Prediction: Falcons Minus 3 Points, Under 45.5 Points Scored
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Record: 3-3
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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 85%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 75%
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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 16, 2009