By Carl Mohrbacher
SAT Prep: Analogies
Lance Briggs : Calvin Johnson ::
a). Penn State Student : News Van
b). Tyler Durden : FreeCreditScore.com
c). Marriage : Fitness
d). Female Japanese Drivers : Other Motorists*
Has Anyone Seen Matthew Stafford and Herschel Krustofski In The Same Room?
Dir-De-Troit
Oh, those wacky Lions. Didn’t anyone tell Ndomikong Suh that the secret to a running game won’t pop out of Jay Cutler’s head you unscrew his neck?
As we all know in Chicago, the trick to a successful ground game is to completely ignore it for at least 25% of the season and then arrogantly act as though you were planning some season-long equivalent to a draw play.
Speaking of cheap shots . . .
Hey Stafford! How does it feel to get your ass kicked by the guy from The Fifth Element? (D.J. Moore) (DJ Ruby Rohd)
San V-ego
Thanks to Ron Burgundy all know, “San Diego” roughly translates to “the whale’s vagina.”
Thanks to a rivalry that became public during a 2007 in-game shouting match, Jay Cutler knows that “Philip Rivers” translates directly to “the human vagina.”
What Were You, Raised In A Barn? Shut The Gate(s).
As the main underneath receiving threat, Chargers tight end Antonio “As Mexican As Taco Bell” Gates will put up the big, hollow numbers against the Bears defense. That’s just the way the Bears want it, because Vincent “V-Jax” Jackson, the only wide receiver in the league with a cleaning product named after him, will be lurking in the secondary all day.
Kool-Aid (5 Out Of 5 Cargo Containers of Tesla Coils)
A win vaults the Bears from a playoff contender to a favorite to capture the fifth spot in the NFC.
Mandate: hype it up.
The Bears have a simple formula for success here. Keep V-Jax in front of them, put Rivers on his back and the watch the turnovers pile up. Mike “It’s not Tol-BARE” Tolbert and the Chargers’ running game don’t do much unless they’re on the goal line, so the Bears need to (and here’s the most hard hitting analysis you’ll get all week) keep San Diego away from that dang goal line.
Bears win by four due to a late Charger touchdown, but they’ll fail on the two-point conversion and the game won’t ever feel that close.
Bears 27, Chargers 23
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*Answer: None of the above. Lance Briggs is to Calvin Johnson as Cain Valasquez is to Junior Dos Santos.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on November 17, 2011