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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Olympic Edition

By Eric Emery
By the time this is posted, we will know if Chicago has won the 2016 Summer Olympics and the subsequent city budget deficit. Given that these Olympics are seven years away, some Bears players are starting to train for their favorite current and former Olympic events.

The Undefeateds:

  • In The College Football Report
  • Event: 3000 Meter Steeplechase
    Player: Lance Briggs
    Why: Showed agility in running past obstacles such as a crashed car, retaining walls, fences, and police questions.
    *
    Event: Two-Hand Deadlift
    Player: Jay Cutler
    Why: Strong enough to carry the whole offense.


    *
    Event: One-Hand Deadlift
    Player: Jay Cutler
    Why: Can simultaneously lift two beers with one hand.
    *
    Event: 3,000 Meter Walk
    Player: Matt Forte
    Why: Not ready for the 3,000 Meter Run yet.
    *
    Event: Sailing
    Player: Tommie Harris
    Why: Event last offered in 1908, which seems like the last time Harris tackled anyone.
    *
    Event: Water Polo
    Player: All injured Bears linebackers
    Why: Water exercise is very therapeutic.
    *
    Event: Tug of War
    Player: Bears offensive line
    Why: They seem to exert a lot of effort for little movement.
    *
    Event: Softball
    Player: Brian Urlacher
    Why: Apparently this is the only type of question worthy of him answering.
    *
    Event: Team Rackets
    Team: The Bears
    Why: It’s a racket that this team is 2-1.

    Lions at Bears
    Storyline: NFL North teams collide. Collide might be a nice word, given if the Bears collide, they probably will get hurt, and outside of last week, Detroit usually misses. Otherwise, we have one to six Olympic puns as well.
    Reality: Christ Almighty, I guess I need to start respecting the team. Ick.
    Prediction: Bears Minus 10 points, Over 39 Points Scored
    *
    Record: 1-3
    *
    Sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 65%
    Recommended sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 55%

    For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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    Posted on October 2, 2009