By Eric Emery
By the time this is posted, we will know if Chicago has won the 2016 Summer Olympics and the subsequent city budget deficit. Given that these Olympics are seven years away, some Bears players are starting to train for their favorite current and former Olympic events.
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Event: 3000 Meter Steeplechase
Player: Lance Briggs
Why: Showed agility in running past obstacles such as a crashed car, retaining walls, fences, and police questions.
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Event: Two-Hand Deadlift
Player: Jay Cutler
Why: Strong enough to carry the whole offense.
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Event: One-Hand Deadlift
Player: Jay Cutler
Why: Can simultaneously lift two beers with one hand.
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Event: 3,000 Meter Walk
Player: Matt Forte
Why: Not ready for the 3,000 Meter Run yet.
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Event: Sailing
Player: Tommie Harris
Why: Event last offered in 1908, which seems like the last time Harris tackled anyone.
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Event: Water Polo
Player: All injured Bears linebackers
Why: Water exercise is very therapeutic.
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Event: Tug of War
Player: Bears offensive line
Why: They seem to exert a lot of effort for little movement.
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Event: Softball
Player: Brian Urlacher
Why: Apparently this is the only type of question worthy of him answering.
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Event: Team Rackets
Team: The Bears
Why: It’s a racket that this team is 2-1.
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Lions at Bears
Storyline: NFL North teams collide. Collide might be a nice word, given if the Bears collide, they probably will get hurt, and outside of last week, Detroit usually misses. Otherwise, we have one to six Olympic puns as well.
Reality: Christ Almighty, I guess I need to start respecting the team. Ick.
Prediction: Bears Minus 10 points, Over 39 Points Scored
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Record: 1-3
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Sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 65%
Recommended sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 55%
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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 2, 2009