By Marty Gangler

Last week had its sour notes, but with an impressive sweep of the Diamondbacks over the weekend to put the Cubs back into first place, we here at the Cub Factor are going to let our guard down and make a declaration: It’s time, people. Time to hop on the Cub Train. And like the CTA, it’s on fire. (Unlike the CTA, it’s making stops all over town.)
On the other hand, the last thing you want is to board a bandwagon full of your colleagues at the office. So just throw a few of these winners out this week at the office cooler and keep your rep as a skeptic intact.
* Alfonso Soriano is going to carry this team. If the team needs be carried a short distance.
* Carlos Zambrano is really a team guy deep down. And it will take years of psychotherapy to get to that layer .
* Derrek Lee’s power is back. Too bad he left his glove behind.

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Posted on May 12, 2008

By Marty Gangler

Do we think Lou Piniella is stupid? Hey, he’s the one who asked. My answer: I’m not sure. You use your entire 40-man roster over the course of the season and ride the hot players when you can. So that seems pretty smart. But your closer is the third-best reliever on the team and you keep trotting out Alfonso Soriano when you should be trying to get rid of him. And those things aren’t too smart. So really, we don’t know if you are a grizzled veteran manager or a crazy old stupid coot. Personally, I think Uncle Lou isn’t stupid but he doesn’t seem to be giving his team the best chance to win.
*
Week in Review: The Cubs lost two of three to both the Brewers and Cardinals, their closest rivals. That’s stupid.
Week in Preview: The Cubs go to Cincinnati to battle Dusty Baker and his flailing Reds for three games, and then come home to host the best team in the National League – the Diamondbacks – for three more. Another bad week and the Cubs will be heading for their stupidest May ever to follow their best April in franchise history.

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Posted on May 5, 2008

By Marty Gangler

If you read last week’s Cub Factor, you know my wife and I had a baby boy last week. Well, little Mitchell is home now and mom and dad aren’t getting a whole lot of sleep. Okay, the Cub Factor is getting pretty personal now, but I promise I won’t talk about my son every week. But I will again this week. I mean, give me a break. Anyone who’s had a child knows that the first few weeks are just plain nuts. And honestly, lack of sleep over a sustained period is a form of torture. Which was kind of like watching the Cubs lose their weekend series to the Washington Nationals. Just torture. Losing to the Nationals is like waking up every 45 minutes for 10 hours straight and then getting punched in the lower back. It’s super annoying and you are so sleep-deprived delirious that when you hear the wailing from the other room you wake up so fast you say things like, “Take a strike Felix!” and the game’s been over for hours.

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Posted on April 29, 2008

By Marty Gangler

Over the course of any person’s particular fandom there comes a point where you say to yourself, why am I fan of this team? Sometimes this correlates with your favorite team trading away a great player, falling on hard times for a stretch, or possibly not winning a world championship in 100 years. This week I asked myself why I am a Cub Fan.

More Beachwood Baseball: The White Sox Report

Why, you ask? The Cubs are off to a nice start so far and there is room for optimism, so why would someone take a hard long look at why they are a Cub Fan this week?
Well, this week my wife and I had a son, our first. For the record she had the kid and I just tried to make things go as smoothly as possible. But a weird thing happened as we went to the hospital Wednesday morning to begin the delivery proceedings (she was being induced). I said to my wife, Jenny, “Zambrano is pitching today. Wouldn’t it be cool if he threw a no-hitter?”

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Posted on April 21, 2008

By Marty Gangler

Another week in the books and more proof that the Cubs manufacture runs like, well, like a thing that doesn’t manufacture things very good. Sure they got a few wins, but it took them forever. Three extra-inning victories this week prove little to show this team is ready to contend for the World Series. But a few things have happened so far this season that are really surprising. Like being able to count on Ryan Dempster. Yeah, Dempster has been lights out through two outings. But should we count on that continuing for the rest of the season? I don’t really think so. With this in mind, we here at the Cub Factor would like to list a few other things that you shouldn’t count on either.
* The war in Iraq ever ending.
* Kerry Wood’s right arm. Or left toe. Whatever.
* Todd Stroger growing a brain.
* Aramis Ramirez running the bases as hard as he swings the bat.
* K-Fed, Madonna or Heather Mills saving Britney Spears.
* The (non-)situational hitting of Alfonso Soriano.
* Pete Wentz unpressing his hair.
* Felix Pie being at least the next Corey Patterson.

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Posted on April 14, 2008

By Marty Gangler

It’s been a week and what have we learned about the 2008 incarnation of the Chicago Cubs that we didn’t know already? Well, the team ended last season without a real leadoff hitter and issues manufacturing runs but the pitching was solid. And through six games of the 2008 season it looks like the team has trouble manufacturing runs without a legit leadoff hitter but the pitching has been solid. So, will this change? Unless they make a move, I’d say no. Because until they get a real leadoff hitter they are going to have an issue manufacturing runs. Or maybe the issue is just with Alfonso Soriano, the Michael Vick of baseball. And I’m not talking about dog fighting.
I mean, he really is like Michael Vick. We all know that both players can be electric to watch and can make incredible plays at times. The numbers speak for themselves – if you look purely at numbers. I found a scouting report on Michael Vick coming out of college and the “negatives” in this scouting report sound very similar to those Soriano – well, if you change some of the verbage for the different sports. Take a look, my Soriano comments in italics:

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Posted on April 7, 2008

By Marty Gangler

As another season is about to begin, the consensus around here seems to be that the Cubs are good enough to win woeful NL Central Division, but mostly because the division is horrendous. So it’s like the Cubs are the fifth-grader on the playground with the third-graders. I guess that’s good. But what will happen when they graduate eighth grade at the end of the season and go into junior high? Will they still be able to hang? Or will they be stuffed into a locker come playoff time? Will the foreign exchange student be rated cool or lame? Will guidance counselor Lou keep them sober, unpregnant and in school? Or will superintendent Hendry cast a shadow so dark that this team just gives up to go smoke pot in the woods everyday? Unfortunately, until we get to the end of September we just aren’t going to know if they will grow up enough to play with the big boys.

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Posted on March 31, 2008

By Marty Gangler

The Cubs woke up Christmas morning to find a new right fielder under the Christmas tree with a funny name. It was just what they asked Santa for, a Fukudome. Which is pronounced, FUCK YOU – DO – ME. Well actually, that is probably not how it’s pronounced but it’s the only way I can sound it out in my head, and it makes me laugh. What also makes me laugh is thinking about Old Uncle Lou saying his name. There’s no way he doesn’t screw it up somehow. Anyway, during the off-season I’m sure a lot of you are wondering what some of the beloved North Siders have been doing with their time off the diamond. We here at the Cub Factor would like to speculate on what’s been going on and what these guys have been doing.
Uncle Lou: Lou’s been sitting in his lawn chair drinking Falstaff and kind of rocking back and forth. His old lady swears she’s heard him mumbling, “too many second baseman, too many right fielders, too many second baseman who play right field.”
Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot: They’ve been touring the country together in a small van looking for anyone playing baseball. Then they get in the game and out-hustle everyone.
Mark DeRosa: Word is DeRosa has been taking jobs as a paramedic, janitor, and car salesman in the off-season just to make sure he’s ready to do anything they ask him to do in 2008.

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Posted on January 7, 2008

By Marty Gangler

I really thought the Cubs were going to win this series with the D-Backs. I really did. And then they not only lose, they get swept. It got me to thinking about my Cub fandom. And it occurs to me: maybe it’s like having a teenage son. As you watch the kid grow and make mistakes you just keep hoping he does well. And sometimes you’re just happy to spend time with the kid. even if you know he’s bad at his core. He doesn’t do his fundamental chores correctly – doesn’t cut the lawn right, can’t be counted on to feed the dog, and his room is a dilapidated mess. But he’s still your son.
Well, this year your son was just about to graduate from high school but got his girlfriend pregnant and was expelled for drinking on school grounds. But what are you going to do, turn his back on him? You’d like to, but you can’t. So after a cooling off period, you’ll make a few phone calls and call in a favor with an old client to get him a job working construction and with a little luck he’ll be okay. Until the next time he screws up. And you’ll stick with him just the same. That’s just what it’s like to be a parent – or a fan – of a loser. There’s nothing you can do about it but cope. It is what it is.

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Posted on October 8, 2007

By Marty Gangler

Playoff Update
GAME 2 REVIEW: At least there is no second-guessing in a game with on guessing at all. You don’t have to guess at the Cubs chances, which are not good. Someone needs to tell Diamondbacks that they can’t hit. I suggest telling them soon. Someone should also tell Soriano that he’s being used in the commercials for this series, and that means he’s supposed to get a big hit.
GAME 3 PREVIEW: It all comes down to Rich Hill. Who’d have thunk? Next year is awfully close to being here. When do pitchers and catchers report?
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GAME 1 REVIEW: The Cubs didn’t execute when they had runners in scoring position and it cost them the game. And say what you like about taking Big Z out early, but last time I checked you need to score more than one run to win almost all the time. Asking your pitching staff to shut out the other team, even if it is the woeful D-Backs, is like asking Britney Spears to babysit – both are a recipe for disaster.
Still, has there ever been a playoff game with two bigger second guessing moments? Not bunting with Big Z and pulling him at only 85 pitches. Thank God there is another game today so these questions can only be batted around for a few more hours. I already want to throw up.
GAME 2 PREVIEW: Ted Lilly has stepped up all year and should not disappoint tonight. Ted Lilly fixes things, like losing streaks. Ted Lilly is The Wolf from Pulp Fiction. Ted Lilly is a guy you’d want to babysit your kids. Ted Lilly approved these sentences.
* * *
The Cub Factor
Wait, what is that I hear? Is that the unmistakable sound of Champagne corks popping and cans of Coors light being cracked open or is it the sound of a large construction vehicle backing up making a beeping sound? Maybe it’s a little of both. Sure the Cubs kinda backed up into the playoffs but who the hell cares? Sure they spent way more money than any other team in the NL Central to buy a championship, but who cares? Sure there is no way Alfonso Soriano’s whale of a contract will be worth it in its last four years when he’s hurt and out of baseball, but who cares!? And sure this team should of played much better during the entire season and the roster was a complete mess and Jim Hendry is an idiot and they are too cheap to redo the playing surface and the Brewers choked and Mike Fontenot can’t hit a curve ball and I still hate Jacque Jones and here come the fair weather fans BUT WHO CARES!! The Cubs are 2007 National League Central division champions. So, with this in mind, we here at The Cub Factor would like to help you out. I know, we’ve been helping you out all season long with weekly witty Cub breakdowns and analogies but now it’s the playoffs. And the biggest question to ask yourself during the playoffs is . . .
Where do I watch the games?

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Posted on October 1, 2007