By Marty Gangler

I have to admit that I didn’t watch very much Cub baseball this week. Which felt really weird except that for most of my life (and yours) the last week of the season is typically irrelevant. And this was no different – by Cubs standards. But it mattered to the Mets and Brewers, which was really odd to watch (I did watch a little) because one team wasn’t really trying and the other was trying really, really hard. But here we are with the playoffs looming a long few days away and the question becomes, “What should I do from now until then?” Well, we here at The Cub factor feel your pain and will offer you a few tips. As this year has to be considered the best chance the Cubs have ever had in their 100 -year World Series drought, we know that a good majority of you fans out there will be a wreck once the playoffs begin – and you haters out there will also be a wreck hoping the Cubs lose. So here’s what to do, Cub Factor style.
* Go pet a goat, it can’t hurt.
* Study up on past Cub playoff defeats. There aren’t that many and you’ll impress others at Cub gatherings and the water cooler at work.
* Send good vibes to Mark DeRosa’s leg and read up on his blog.

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Posted on September 29, 2008

By Marty Gangler

What another week. The Cubs have another great week and clinch the Central Division and a playoff berth. What a great feeling for the Cubs and for Cub fans, but all I can do is think about my younger brother Jon. Not that he is a big Cub fan, because he really isn’t. But growing up and being three years younger than me, Jon was on the short end of the stick during a handful of brotherly skirmishes. Okay, what the hell am I talking about. In this real life scenario explaining another real life scenario, my brother would be the Brewers and I would be the Cubs. It’s a classic younger brother/older brother situation, just look. The Cubs are older (especially in the National League), they make more money (like most older siblings do), are more popular (most older brothers are), so it does fit. Maybe not all the classic older/younger rules are true in my case (my brother is much more likeable than I am) but one thing did hold true – I always won physical battles. BUT I was always looking to see what my brother had. I had to size him up and see where I stood. I would provoke him into fighting with me – my brother had (and still has) a temper and when he gets pissed, look out, he’s an animal. And it was these moments that I truly enjoyed. In animal mode my brother could get in some good shots and the fight would be even for a little while, then I’d overtake him with my size and strength. So, getting back to the initial analogy – I really thought the Brewers had a bit more animal in them. I’m not complaining but I thought it would possibly be a little more interesting. But I’ll take uninteresting division titles every day of the week – I’ll even take uninteresting World Series wins too. I’m just sayin’ that this reminded me of my brother.

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Posted on September 22, 2008

By Marty Gangler

Right when we were about to describe Hurricane Carlos as potentially devastating but more full of hype than destructive power, the Cubs’ major storm system wiped out the Astros without giving up a hit. Which got us to thinking: What if hurricanes were named after Cubs players?
*
Hurricane Mark. This hurricane can strike in any region of the country or appear as a tornado or earthquake, depending on your needs.
*
Hurricane Mike: A tiny storm with deceiving power. Shows up when Hurricane Mark is elsewhere.
*
Hurricane Aramis: This hurricane has been known to change direction for no reason at all.

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Posted on September 15, 2008

By Marty Gangler

The collapse is on! What, did you really think this was gonna be the year? Just arrive on Planet Earth? We here at The Cub Factor have consulted our auxiliary Curses and Plagues Affairs Desk and this is what we have to look forward to down the stretch.
* Lou Piniella and Matt Sinatro find the ballpark just fine but Mark DeRosa gets lost because Ryan Dempster gave him a joke map.
* Kosuke Fukudome makes it to the park just fine.
* Mark DeRosa gets an emergency pitching start and comes up with a dead arm.

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Posted on September 8, 2008

By Marty Gangler

In the back of everyone’s mind there lives an angry little man who just doesn’t believe. He’s the little voice who tells you things. Sometimes it’s good to listen to him – like when he says, “You don’t have enough gas to get to DQ and back, you better get some or you’ll be screwed.” But other times he’s just a jerk. Like when you are up to bat for your work softball team in a big spot and he says, “Who do you think you are? You’re not the hero, you’re going to tap out to the pitcher if you hit the ball at all, loser.” I think it’s safe to say that some people can tell the little man to screw off more than others, but as Cub fans can we ever tell that little man he’s wrong when he says, “They are going to blow it, they always do. Now go eat another Eskimo Pie, fatass.” And although personal favorite junk foods differ, all Cub fans can’t turn off that little voice in their head. And sure, there are actual people who tell Cub fans this every day in real life, but tell them to stick it too. At least until October, because they will be in the playoffs. Then I’m afraid it’s going to be a give-and-take death match with the little angry man inside your head. Because this is the best Cubs team since 1908 and the best chance they’ll ever have in anyone’s lifetime (unless you are >100) to win this thing.

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Posted on September 2, 2008

By Marty Gangler

Another week and two more series wins. I guess you could be mad that the Cub didn’t get the brooms out and sweep away a couple of the worst teams in the league, but winning two of three in every series is not bad. I just think the fans expected more.
Is that wrong? Maybe we’re asking too much as fans to say that the Cubs should of won all six games this week instead of a mere four of six. But before you reconsider, consider the fact that this team has done nothing but disappoint its fans for 100 years. Wait, so does that mean we should expect more from these guys? Like they should of swept both of these series’? Or do we realize that they always disappoint us so we should take what we can get?
I for one don’t know what to think. And I further don’t know if this team deserves to be ripped this week for disappointing me. But I can’t tell if I’m disappointed. And if I should I be. And if I’m speaking in circles it’s because I don’t know what to call this week. I mean, it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great either.
Kind of like going to a restaurant and ordering the Half-Pound Cheddar Burger. Only they are out of cheddar cheese so instead you order the Swiss Burger. And the Swiss is pretty tasty, but you wanted the big Cheddar Burger and, in fact, you drove all the way across town to House of Cheddar Burgers just to get it. And you could have gotten a Swiss Burger from the place right by your house, but you wanted more than that. Yet, in the scheme of things it was totally fine. But you don’t know if you should be angry or not. You just feel okay. Okay, I think Cub fans should feel okay.

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Posted on August 25, 2008

By Marty Gangler

Another week and another week of Cub victories. The wins are coming easy these days. But as their lead in the division widens and the schedule grows shorter, Cub fans are in a strange predicament. Where’s the drama? We need some soap operas about the bullpen, the rotation, Lou’s lineups . . . anything. To that end, we here at The Cub Factor have put together a few tips to “increase the drama” as we head toward fall.
* Tell your girlfriend that the next time the Cubs lose a series you’ll propose to her.
* Parlay the Cubs with the Bears the rest of the way.
* Call in to sports radio stations claiming that the Cub season rests on the arm of Bob Howry and then try to argue your point.
* Drink every time someone makes an out.

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Posted on August 18, 2008

By Marty Gangler

The Cubs could of really stuck a huger fork into the Redbirds this weekend with a sweep but it didn’t happen. Even so, the feathered foul from St Louis has been dipped in egg batter, rolled in a flour seasoning mixture and is about to be thrown into the fryer. But looking at this team, you have to wonder how they’ve stuck around for so long. Most commentators give credit to the supposed genius of Tony LaRussa and his pitching coach/designated driver Dave Duncan. But are these two guys really that good? We here at The Cub Factor don’t think so and have a few theories as to why the Cardinals are better than they should be.
* Tony LaRussa went down to the Crossroads.
* LaRussa and Duncan are managing on HGH.
* A series of specially placed mirrors shrouded in smoke.
* Old-time hockey.
* Pitchers going through Tommy John surgery are actually given Tommy John’s arms.

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Posted on August 11, 2008

Marty Gangler was on assignment in Wisconsin this weekend, leaving this week’s report to his staff.
While the Cubs actually lost a game to the Pirates at home, perhaps experiencing a Miller Park hangover from all the partying they did in what cheeseheads are calling the Milwaukee Massacre, there now seems to be very few ways the Cubs could actually lose the division, much less fail to make the playoffs.
We’ve come up with those ways.
* Sam Zell decides the team can do more with less and reduces the 25-man major league roster to 15.
* In one final bid for immortality, Jim Hendry re-acquires Nomar Garciappara and LaTroy Hawkins.
* Lou Piniella starts pinch-hitting himself every time he runs out of players late in the game.
* Bench coach Alan Trammel is added to the second basemen rotation.

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Posted on August 4, 2008

By Marty Gangler

The Cubs may have exploded for nine runs on Sunday to salvage a split with Marlins, but the tendency of the offense to disappear for stretches is still a concern. We here at The Cub Factor have input all available data into the computers at Beachwood Labs and come up with the following slump-busting solutions.
* Dip into Sammy Sosa’s secret cache of corked bats still hidden in the Wrigley ventilation system.
* Call the White Sox and ask to borrow their blow-up doll.
* Get some chicken for jobu.
* Bring back Michael Barrett and let everyone take out their frustrations on him.
* Bless the bats and the children.
* Casually ask Fukudome how to say “steroids” in Japanese.

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Posted on July 28, 2008