By Marty Gangler
There are certain points in the season that make you say to yourself, “Self, remember when . . . ” Like, remember when we thought Mike Fontenot was going to play second base everyday? And remember when we thought Milton Bradley might be a nutcase, but he’d at least put up some numbers? And let’s not forget, remember when Big Z was just a few mental issues away from a Cy Young run? Well, we here at The Cub Factor are remembering something else these days: Remember when we all kinda thought Derrek Lee sucked? Suddenly, Mr. Lee is not just putting together one of his best years in a while, he’s putting together one of his best years in his life. So, what happened? What got into D Lee? We here at The Cub Factor have a few ideas that may explain why this guy is so good again:

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Posted on August 9, 2009

By Marty Gangler
So now we know that the Cubs are most probably going to be in it the rest of the season. And we also know that it’s not going to be anywhere as easy as anyone thought. But do the trade deadline pickups, John Grabow and Tom Gorzelanny, really know what they are getting into? Did they think they just won the lottery by going from the Pirates to the Cubs? Of course, we’re not sure what they are thinking and on top of that they are left-handed and think with a different side of the brain than I do – but we here at the Cub Factor would like to give them a heads-up on a few things about this Cubs team so they know what they are in for:
* Don’t worry about remembering the name of the guy playing second base. Eventually everyone takes a turn playing there. Including you.
* You don’t have to laugh at Ryan Dempster’s Harry Caray impression just to be polite. It only makes him think it’s actually funny.
* It’s okay to think the facilities at Wrigley Field are antiquated and horrendous. But it’s not okay to say it out loud because you’ll piss off a lot of stupid people.

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Posted on August 3, 2009

By Marty Gangler
How meaningful is it that the Cubs are in first place in the NL Central? Well, we here at The Cub Factor think it’s sort of like being the tallest Fontenot. Or the largest shrimp in the basket. Or the least corrupt politician in Illinois. Oh yeah, we’ve got a bunch of ’em. It’s sort of like being . . .
* The most honest lawyer in the phone book
* The best golfer at the Putt-Putt
* The best episode of Real World: Cancun
* The best reporter on your local TV news
* The world’s strongest 80-year-old man
* Homeless but with a kickass cardboard box
* The best movie on Lifetime this year
* The best Coldplay song
* The smallest check you’ll bounce this week
* The first team that will get knocked out of the NL playoffs

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Posted on July 27, 2009

By Marty Gangler
As soon as you think this 2009 Cub team is going to turn it around they do something like, well, something like be themselves again. Even with the return of “leading man” Aramis Ramirez, the Cubs did little this week besides be themselves. And even though I rip the crap out of them most times, I’d really like them to win more and be, well, not themselves. With this in mind we here at the Cub Factor would like to throw out a few ideas based on some classic (and not so classic) baseball movies, you know, because in movies people aren’t themselves, they act like other people. And there’s some advice in these classics that could certainly help the Cubs.
* Major League: Ask Jobu for ability to hit. Julio Zuleta will do, too.
* Hustle: The Pete Rose Story: Put some skin in the game.
* The Natural: Start storm-chasing looking for trees hit by lightning. Dusty and Rabbit can help.
* Ed: The next second baseman is . . . a chimp. Or Sean Marshall.

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Posted on July 13, 2009

By Marty Gangler
It’s about time Uncle Lou finally decided to manage this team again instead of slipping into early retirement right before our eyes. But what finally pushed him over the edge? We’ve got some ideas.
* He took a look at his tanking 401(k) and realized he really needs that Manager of the Year bonus money to buy his dream boat and stock it with Falstaff.
* His old lady gave him what-for after he failed to phone home right away upon arriving in Pittsburgh last week, so he took it out on Alfonso Soriano.
* The clubhouse guy was really giving it to Lou after having to re-size Lou’s jersey once again for his ever expanding gut, so he took it out on Alfonso Soriano.
* He just awoke from a bad dream in which his starting outfield was Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, and Milton Bradley.
* The University of Illinois called and demanded that Sam Fuld be admitted to the lineup.

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Posted on July 5, 2009

Editor’s Note: On the occasion of this summer’s final Crosstown Classic series, The Cub Factor’s Marty Gangler and The White Sox Report’s Andrew Reilly switched places.
By Andrew Reilly
Once upon a time, the Chicago Cubs were supposed to run away with the National League Central and across Chicagoland we all just kind of assumed that would happen. Ten game leads and twelve-ounce heroics! Superstar trades and ticker tape parades!
Remember those days, Cubs fans? Weren’t they neat? Weren’t they magical?
So you can imagine the outsider’s view when the Small Bears, this time even armed with a bonus bat, stroll into historic Cellphone Stadium only to head back to Lakeview with nothing to show for their efforts beyond a lone token win against a crummy Sox team that pretty much everybody notches a win against. This mega-bankrolled non-juggernaut shows up, gets in a fight with itself, and its self-appointed Cy Young winner of an ace extracts his revenge on the world by taking a shot at quite possibly the worst outfielder in the history of baseball.
This is what a contender looks like?

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Posted on June 29, 2009

By Marty Gangler
Now that Mark DeRosa’s homecoming weekend is over, we here at The Cub Factor would like to note some of the things The Greatest Ex-Cub In History failed to accomplish in his return to Chicago.
Mark DeRosa did not:
* Buy that guy behind you a round of Old Styles last inning.
* Get you out of that lame Fourth of July barbecue you’ve been roped into.
* Help your brother in-law’s friend move.
* Develop a swine flu vaccine.
* Stand up to Iran.
* Select the perfect wine to go with your pork chops.
* Resolve our state’s budget crisis.
* Reach 51 RBIs for the season.

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Posted on June 22, 2009

By Marty Gangler
The Cubs anemic offense – which has now cost hitting coach Gerald Perry his job – has also seemed to take the life out of Lou. “I don’t want to talk about it,” the Cubs skipper told the media after his squad was shut out on Saturday. We here at The Cub Factor think the next question should have been: Well then Lou, what would you like to talk about? We’ve got a few ideas.
* The best temperature for enjoying your Falstaff.
* The best place for late-night burgers in Chicago.
* Obama’s health-care proposals.
* How to save GM.
* Frozen margarita recipes.
* Mike Fontenot’s height.
* War stories from anger management classes.
* His pregnancy.

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Posted on June 15, 2009

By Marty Gangler
As I was sitting in my living room watching the Cubs play extra innings for the fourth time this week (in only five games) I wondered to myself, what’s worse than watching good pitching get wasted by horrendous hitting? And then it dawned on me: watching multiple extra-inning games of good pitching getting wasted by horrendous hitting.
The silver lining is that the Cubs won three of those games. And that got us thinking here at The Cub Factor. Here are a few other silver linings to a few of the issues facing the Cubs of 2009.
*
Problem: Lou Piniella’s gut seems to grow larger with every loss.
Silver Lining: His painfully slow waddle to the mound gives relievers more time to warm up.
*
Problem: Sammy Sosa’s bid for the Hall of Fame brings back steroid rumors and corked-bat memories.
Silver Lining: Jim Hendry finally remembers Sammy’s secret hiding place in the locker room for steroids and corked bats. Team poised for a good run.
*
Problem: Carlos Zambrano says he doesn’t want to play anymore and will retire at the end of his contract.
Silver Lining: Cubs can stop buying extra large adult diapers sooner than they thought.

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Posted on June 8, 2009

By Marty Gangler
The burning question on our minds this week – because we’d prefer to avert our eyes to the Cubs on-field shenanigans – is this: how will Big Z occupy his time during his six-day suspension? Using all historical data available to us by Major League Baseball, we’re pretty sure we’ve got it figured out.
Day 1: Big Z will sit down and talk with the pitching coach Larry Rothschild and will take notes about things to remember. But then his pen runs out of ink, he gets pissed, finds his bat, and crushes the pen.
Day 2: Carlos decides to head to 7-11 for some comfort food. But then he notices that they are out of pepperoni combos and only have the regular nacho cheese ones. So he asks the clerk if there are any more in the back and the clerk says there is no “back” and everything is on the shelf. So he gets pissed, decides to get fun-yuns instead and realizes that fun-yuns suck, so he gets even more pissed, finds a bat, and bashes in the Icee machine.
Day 3: Carlos decides to head out on Lake Michigan and get some relaxing fishing in. But then he gets a big fish on the hook and a guy on the boat screws up netting the fish and it gets away. Carlos gets pissed, completely bitches out the deckhand, and breaks the fishing pole over his knee. Then he finds a bat and breaks that over his knee too. When the Coast Guard arrives to a report of a boater on a rampage, he pretends to eject them from the lake.

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Posted on June 1, 2009