By Natasha Julius
When we look back on Super Bowl LIII (pronounced LIIIEEE!!!), we’re sure to remember what didn’t happen rather than what did. Because this was the game of the no-shows. No Cardi. No Xtina. No Drake. No Rams offense. No Andre 3000. Not even a fucking Kardashian. Things briefly looked up when the flaming asteroid appeared, but alas – no premature end to the most content-free major sporting event in recent memory. It was like opening a bag of jelly beans to find they’re all licorice and root beer and at the bottom there’s a black hole.
To the specifics:
Maroon V played six “songs,” half drawn from their first album which tells you everything you need to know about their recent output. Adam Levine wavered between soulless, shitless and witless before finally settling on shirtless. In a welcome bit of novelty, he employed an entire gospel choir to autotune his vocals on “Girls Like You.” He acted like he was going to say “I don’t give a shit” during “Moves Like Jagger” but then just kinda went “shhhh” because artistic integrity is for artists and he’s a hack. And he apparently spent the six months since the band was announced for the gig getting so comedically swole his pants pretty much removed themselves.
I fear we may have seen the last of the modern Super Bowl Halftime spectacular. The league is toxic right now and booking this bunch of lazy thirsthounds has done a lot to lower the floor. We’ll likely be saddled next year with either a niche act (maybe country? Or Western?) or the Gin Blossoms. Either way, I feel fairly confident that a lot of you will be willing to hate-watch the festivities. So I guess I’ll see you all next year. Unless it really is the Gin Blossoms. This job doesn’t pay enough for that.
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Previously: The 11th Annual (More Or Less) Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Show Prop Bet: Maroon 5 Edition.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on February 4, 2019