By Eric Emery

Last week I picked Tampa Bay strictly hoping I’d get to say, “I told you so.” This week I get to say, “I told you so.” How do you like them apples?
Post-game sports radio provided some comic relief, most of which centered on the defense and the coaching staff. Akin to punching one’s arm to help them forget about their headache, Bears fans shifted their ire from Grossman to the poor defensive play. Clearly, both the defense and coaching staff took the second half off last week.
Given that the Bears play the lowly Detroit Lions this week, chances are the Bears defense will need something to occupy their minds in the second half. Here are some ideas for ways the defense can keep their minds engaged:
Recount whereabouts from the last week. Commit to memory where you’ve been in the last seven days. Practice your answers for police interviews later.

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Posted on December 20, 2006

By Eric Emery

The nation’s most important make-believe religious holiday is on Monday. For many fantasy football leagues, the most important make-believe week is Sunday: Your fantasy football championship game. Fantasy football continues to evolve, and I believe these are the most likely additions to scoring systems across the country next year:
HIgh Crimes and Misdemeanors – Earn points each week for arrests, convictions, plea deals and parole violations. Bonus points for amusing mug shots. Likely impact: Bengals and Bears players increase in value.

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Posted on December 20, 2006

By Eric Emery

We all cuss about Christmas presents that need extra accessories. Toys need batteries. Game systems need controllers. Ugly sweaters need someone willing to wear them. But one Christmas gift comes complete with the only accessory it needs: NyQuil and its trusty plastic shot glass. Believe me, the best gift you can give yourself and your cold is a dose of the “sniffling, sneezing, then it takes you and your cold for a woodshed beating” medicine. That’s what I learned last weekend.
And just like listening to Pink Floyd while high delivers insights never gleaned while sober, watching football while dosed with NyQuil opened up a world of insight into some of the game’s largest personalities. To wit:
Bryant Gumbel: Gumbel brings his unexcited and uninformed flair to the NFL Network each week. If you need a three-minute warning to the two-minute warning, Gumble is your guy.

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Posted on December 14, 2006

By Eric Emery

Many tout the value of competition, saying that such pursuits build character. That sounds good, but then I think about playing in pick-up basketball games with my fellow thirtysomethings. You’ll never meet a bigger set of whiners, cheap-shot artists, and ill-tempered ballhogs in your life. And I’m part of the problem.
See, I disliked being benched my senior year. Pathetic as it sounds, somehow those old frustrations buried deep in my soul come out on the court. And in my sick mind, the next three-pointer erases what happened 16 years ago. A lot of guys out there can relate.
Believe it or not, though, some parallels exist between my fellow crappy basketball players and this year’s edition of the Bears.

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Posted on December 14, 2006

The Beachwood Bowl Affairs Desk

A guide to the college bowl season for your viewing and wagering pleasure.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California – Dec. 19, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST – ESPN2
Northern Illinois vs. Texas Christian University
Favorability ratings for Texas Christians at all-time low. Huskies in a landslide.
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas, Nevada – Dec. 21, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST – ESPN
Oregon vs. BYU
The only winner in Vegas is Vegas. Take the house.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana – Dec. 22, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST – ESPN2
Troy vs. Rice
Troy Smith just won the Heisman, but Jerry Rice was pretty fuckin’ good. Take the all-time greatest wide receiver.
PapaJohns.com Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama – Dec. 23, 2006 12:00 p.m. CST – ESPN2
East Carolina vs. South Florida
Apparently the paternalistic pizza baron’s crack online division is able to invent states. Or did we miss the part where the Outer Banks seceded? And before you say it, yes we’re aware there’s no South Florida either.But at least there’s, like, a Florida, you know? Back the real state, people.
New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico – Dec. 23, 2006 3:30 p.m. CST – ESPN
New Mexico vs. San Jose State
Formerly played in the Immigration Bowl, until the border patrol built a fence around the stadium and corporate sponsors lost interest. The Beachwood wagering system generally prohibits backing a school named after an imaginary state, so Go Lobos.

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Posted on December 11, 2006

By Eric Emery

If you’ve learned anything the past two weeks, it’s that Rex Is Our Quarterback and This Is Our Country. See, if you follow the formula “[Unappealing Noun/Pronoun] Is Our [Noun of Great Importance],” the unappealing becomes tolerable.
– Iraq is Our World War II.
– Bush is Our Commander-in-Chief.
– Lionel Richie is Our Most Important Export.
– 1.3 is Our Quarterback’s Rating.
– Poor Play is Our Way to the Super Bowl.
– The CTA is Our Most Reliable Public Transit System.
– Wire-Tapping is Our Best Way To Protect Your Liberty.

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Posted on December 7, 2006

By Eric Emery

I watched one game in its entirety last week: Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh. That’s because I was there.
As I hinted at last week, I paid way too much for tickets roughly 14 weeks ago. Making matters worse, airline “AA” out of O’Hare chose to cancel my late morning Saturday flight, even though airline “SW” out of Midway chose to fly an hour earlier than my scheduled flight. Last time I checked, O’Hare possesses a normal length of runway to accommodate today’s planes.
So I did what any sports-obsessed fan would do: I threw my stuff in my car and drove. This turned out to be a big problem. Between Chicago and Pittsburgh lies two unremarkable states: Indiana and Ohio. Which is better for the driving sports fan? Here is my analysis.

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Posted on December 7, 2006

By Eric Emery

The Kool-Aid Nation is in a state of obsession over what to do about Rex Grossman. There are two schools of thought.
1. The Bears are 9-2. Even if Grossman played the next five games with his pants around his ankles, the Bears still get home field advantage. He just might not be called Sexy Rexy anymore. This is also known as The Orton Plan of Just Managing The Game.
2. Brian Griese sure looks sexy – but in a non-threatening way. This is also known as The Orton Plan of Just Managing The Game. Where is Trent Dilfer when you need him?
Remote Viewing
The Tribune discovered this week that a lot of Bears fans go to electronics stores to watch the games. This is hardly news – married men have been using this technique for decades. What’s next, a trend story about men going to Home Depot to escape mundane duties at . . . home?
Electronics stores aren’t the only places to go to watch the game when you have to get out of the house or pretend you are shopping or running errands. Here are a few more.
Hospitals: Check yourself into a single room with a TV and order in a pizza. Instant access to medical care hen you develop a bleeding ulcer after Rex Grossman’s third interception.

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Posted on November 29, 2006

By Eric Emery

Having grown up in the lightly-populated, small Northwestern Illinois town of Savanna, holder of the state high school football record for consecutive losses, I learned how to make my own fun. So when I went back home to my see my folks for Thanksgiving, I was ready for some creative time-killing. This time around, for example, me and my father decided to visit a bunch of auto dealerships and check out the stock. It was actually quite entertaining.
Fans of teams that stink who can no longer bear watching their heroes could do well to employ this kind of strategy with the extra time you now have on your hands on Sundays. Here are some suggestions.
Redskins fans: Form your own study group to solve your team’s problems now that hope is lost.
Packers fans: Form a “Ship, Captain, Crew” league. The winner gets his name on state liver transplant list.
Lions fans: Form an investment club to search for other poorly run companies that might sponsor the stadium in which the the most poorly fun franchise in the league not named Arizona plays in.

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Posted on November 29, 2006

By Don Jacobson

Yeah, I’m a Minnesota Twins fan. Have been ever since Harmon and Tony-O took Koufax to Game Seven in 1965. I’ve got a history with those guys – a history that includes a lot of lonely years when 8,000 people showing up at Met Stadium and later the Metrodome was considered a good night. But in all those years, never have I been as impressed with them as I was this year, when they won the AL Central in a mad dash and boasted the American League’s MVP (Justin Morneau), its Cy Young winner (Johan Santana), and its batting champion (Joe Mauer). The Cardinals and Tigers got to the World Series, but I’d say it was the Twins who had the best season of anyone.
If only the Cubs were paying attention. The Twins have won their division four of the last five years with only a fraction of the North Siders’ payroll. And yet, the Cubs stubbornly refuse to learn any lessons – as if their formula has been working. It hasn’t, and opening up the Tribune Company’s checkbook even more for someone like Alfonso Soriano won’t work either. The real answer for the Cubs, as well as just about any baseball team, is obvious: Grow your own.

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Posted on November 27, 2006