By Eric Emery

With this column we wrap up the 2006 edition of Over/Under. Let’s review what we’ve learned.
1. Don’t bet on football. I wasn’t the only one who sucked this season; things were tough all over.
2. Nobody gives you credit when you’re right, but when you’re wrong, the e-mail overflows. President Bush’s e-mail must all go directly to his spam folder.
3. Coaching in the NFL is a great gig – if you’re clinically insane. Step one: Get hired by Cardinals. Step two: Lose in comedic fashion. Step Three: Appear on YouTube in clip for the ages. Step Four: See inevitable parodies follow.

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Posted on January 22, 2007

By Eric Emery

Clearly, many readers have waited for this moment. Watching the Bears advance to the Super Bowl wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying without sending all those “Would you like crow with that?” e-mails. So let me say one thing: I was wrong.
Results don’t lie.
Now, some people might say that the Bears excelled in a weak conference, and in an even weaker division. Still others might point at the Bears’ incredibly weak schedule. Some might even point to the team’s horseshit play in the final four regular season games, and that first playoff squeaker against a mediocre Seahawks squad.
Heck, some might even say that Sunday’s game was more about the Saints’ inability to take care of the ball than the Bears stopping their offense. Though the Saints played up to their ability for roughly seven minutes, the Bears offense or special teams failed to play a complete game. The Bears offense converted early mistakes into field goals instead of touchdowns. Even though these people will say what they want to say, the scoreboard reads 39-14. The Bears travel to Miami.

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Posted on January 22, 2007

By Eric Emery

In some ways, Sunday left me a shell of a man. Certainly, I expected the Bears to win, but I thought they would do so in a more dominating fashion. Then my bandwagon team, the Chargers, made a mess in their pants. And after the games, 60 Minutes broadcast an interview with President Bush. What a crappy day.

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Posted on January 16, 2007

By Eric Emery

I spent a few minutes simply staring at the TV after the Patriots defeated the Chargers. It wasn’t just that I thought the Chargers would win; it was that they were my bandwagon team. And according to the rules, I cannot jump to a new one. I am done.
So what do you do when your bandwagon team’s season is over, but the season isn’t? Let’s review.
1. Learn your lesson. Vow you will not jump on that team’s bandwagon for three years. That is, unless the offending coach leaves. Call it the Schottenheimer Rule.
2. Call a true fan to offer condolences. Make sure you mention at least three plays that lead to the loss. Also mention one player that you feel bad for. Finally, vilify the victorious team. At this point, count on your friend being in the “anger stage” of the seven stages of grief. Never say “I know how you feel.” Especially if your team won the Super Bowl last year.
3. You can still be a hater. Certainly, you may not cheer for any other team, but you may cheer against a team. Additionally, if your favorite team has a sordid history with the perspective team you are considering hating, you are encouraged to hate said team. Good: The Steelers lost to the Patriots twice in the AFC Championship. I’ve heard enough about Belichick. I hope the Patriots get crushed. Bad: I guess since the Packers didn’t make the playoffs, we might as well see an NFC North team do well. Saints suck!

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Posted on January 16, 2007

By Eric Emery

The moment we’ve been waiting for is at hand. The question on everyone’s mind will finally be answered: Will the Bears soil themselves at home again and be one-and-done, or will they progress by waiting to soil themselves next week?
I refuse to force my Christian tradition upon you, so I refuse to ask the question “What Would Jesus Do?” Then again, if we ask “What Would Ditka Do?”, Ditka might shine His light upon thee and grant you peace. Let’s face it, He is the last person that got you to the Promised Land. So . . . What Would Ditka Do?
Manage Grossman. As a quarterback, it’s important to get the ball in the hands of your playmakers. For the Bears to win, Grossman needs to hand off the ball three times, let Brad Maynard punt, and thus get the ball into the hands of the Bears’ playmakers – Devin Hester and the defense.
Tank Perry. Give Tank Johnson the ball on the goal line and tell him to run as if the cops are after him.

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Posted on January 10, 2007

By Eric Emery

Never has one round of wild card football produced so much hysteria as last weekend’s slate of games did. Here are the statements issued this week by players and teams throughout the league.
Office of Dallas Cowboys Inc.: “We categorically deny that we are trying to kill Bill Parcells rather than have to fire him. Conspiracy theories involving Tony Romo are nothing more than Internet twaddle.”
Tony Romo: “I couldn’t be more excited about my trade to the Mavericks, especially since the league went back to their old leather balls. Easy to handle, and no T.O. in the huddle.”
Terrell Owens: “I have 18 dropped passes, er, reasons to fire my publicist.”

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Posted on January 10, 2007

By Eric Emery

These days, if you capture any part of the American sporting consciousness, you must give an award. Why? Because you want to feel more important than you actually are. For instance, did John Madden’s “All Madden” awards really change the lives of the awarded? Imagine seeing the player’s live-in girlfriend field the call from John Madden himself, then putting her hand over the phone and saying “Honey, you know that really old, bloated, stuttering guy from Ace Hardware? Well, he wants to give you an award.”
So, in other words, these awards mean nothing. If nothing else, the salutations I award below give players and coaches what they deserve – a swift kick in the ass for wasting our time and attention. So without further ado, I present: The Toolies.
The Money Talks, Bullshit Walks Toolie goes to: Nick Saban. Nick sounded so sincere when he said “I’m not coaching Alabama.” What we all missed was him muttering under his breath, “Unless they offer me $32 million and a new car. Then I’ll even memorize the words to their state song.”
The Raving Village Idiot Toolie goes to: Dennis Green. After blowing a 17-point lead to the Bears, Green ranted, “They were who we thought they were!” Yes, and you were who we thought you were too: a nutcase masquerading as an NFL coach. Dennis Green, we hereby crown your ass.

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Posted on January 4, 2007

By Eric Emery

A friend who is now sporting a blue-and-orange Kool-Aid mustache recently told me, “This is the wrong year to be a Bears hater.”
Really?
This begs the question: Why should somebody like the Bears?
This year is only one year in a stored tradition of stinking. There are plenty of reasons to hate the Bears – even this year.
Messes of the Midway. In the last 40 years, the Bears are 298-310-2. They have just 14 winning seasons, reached the playoffs just 12 times, and compiled a 7-11 playoff record. They have one Super Bowl victory. That’s just one more than the Cardinals have over the same stretch of time. In other words, Ditka 1, Dennis Green 0.
Ditka. Without Ditka. the Bears are 192-248 over the last 40 years. Only a team as historically mediocre as the Bears could make Mike Ditka a legend.
The Fridge. In the last 40 years, the Bears fielded four undisputed outstanding players: Gale Sayers, Dick Butkus, Walter Payton, and Mike Singletary. William Perry has one more Super Bowl TD than all of them.

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Posted on January 4, 2007

By Eric Emery

During this calendar year, the Emery clan increased by one. This will sound biased, but my nephew J.J. is the cutest baby in the world – and I’m not saying this just because his parents dressed him in the little Roethlisberger jersey I purchased. That was just the right thing to do, because as uncle and guardian of his football development, I’ve declared J.J. a Steelers fan
This Christmas Eve, we spent plenty of time putting words in J.J.’s mouth. Just in case you didn’t know, infants spend an awful lot of time sleeping, eating, and pooping. In between, infants serve as sure-fire entertainment to bridge awkward family silences. So while I’m saying, “Yes, JJ, you love you’re uncle and the Steelers. Yeah, you’re a better quarterback than Roethlisberger,” he’s thinking, “What’s that warm feeling around my butt?”
That’s the beauty of babies.
It’s not much different in the NFL, where announcers spend time putting words in the mouths of players and coaches in order to fill awkward silences. When a linebacker absolutely crushes a wide receiver on a crossing route, you hear “Right here, Zach Thomas says ‘Try that junk somewhere else. Not in my house!'” The truth is closer to “Good. What down is it?”
Because of J.J., I’ve gotten nearly as good as professional football announcers at putting words in other people’s mouths. Let’s give it spin.
* Tiger Woods edges LaDainlan Tomlinson for AP Male Athlete of the Year. “Right here, Tomlinson is saying, ‘I lost to a golfer? What, there weren’t any outstanding bowlers on the list this year?'”
* Jeff Garcia leads resurgent Eagles over Cowboys. “Right here, Garcia is saying, ‘My shrink was right. It wasn’t me, it was the Lions.'”
* Lions’ loudmouth receiver Mike Williams drops a pass in the end zone with time running out to preserve a Bears win: “Right here, Williams is saying ‘I’m just helping my team win . . . the first pick in next year’s draft.'”

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Posted on December 28, 2006

By Eric Emery

We arrived at my in-law’s on Christmas Day to the smell of roughly seven different appetizers. I know this sounds like a cliche, but in this Italian household we spend a good amount of time eating and drinking. It should be noted my in-laws are not the fake Italians who eat at Olive Garden and profess their love of the movie “Rocky.” Almost all of my wife’s relatives grew up in Italy and emigrated to America later in life.
Since many of the younger folks speak only English or limited Italian, and the older folks speak a Sicilian-Italian dialect, communication becomes difficult at times. And my father-in-law is a man of few words. But on holidays, he shines. It’s tradition to toast each other through rhymes. Called “brindisi,” a person makes a toast to another, using their name in the three-line rhyme. Sometimes heart-felt or funny, the “brindisi” ends with you drinking alcohol.
Without a doubt, my father-in-law is the champion of the “brindisi.” On most holidays, my father-in-law breaks out two or three. This year, my brother-in-law busted out a few. All of a sudden, the “brindisi” turned into one big drinking game where everybody tried to out-do each other.
Finally, after four hours, a couple folks started stumbling around. Before we all passed out, we quit the “brindisi” to open presents. Being in the holiday spirit, the experience inspired me to write some “brindisi” toasts for the Bears
1. Every season after the next
Da Bears choke in the playoffs
You can expect the same with Rex
2. Da Bears field many navy blue knockers
Injuries plaque the defense one after the other
Perhaps they can clone ten more Urlachers
3. “Don’t worry, don’t have any fits
Never frown or speak critically”
Is that Dusty or Lovie Smith?

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Posted on December 28, 2006