By The Beachwood Olympic Events Affairs Desk

In all the hubbub last week about the city “putting some skin in the game,” the media overlooked a separate agreement reached by local officials and the United States Olympic Committee to Chicagoize the games should they come to our fair city. The Beachwood Olympic Affairs Desk, however, has learned the basic outlines of what’s in store.
* Biathalon: Will consist of 1) Finding a legal free parking space near Wrigley Field and 2) The 5K run from the parking space to the ballpark. In the 10K version, participants will run with cash and try to make it through the grabby Aldermen obstacle course.
* Boxing: Will be replaced by Big-Boxing, wherein participants duke it out in city council trying alternately to block or allow the opening of a West Side Wal-Mart. (Rejected by USOC: Competitive boxing and disposal of shredded aldermanic documents.)
* Demonstration Event: The CTA Burning Tunnel Stair Climb.
* Canoeing: Becomes Condoing. From campaign donation to permit processing to final shoddy construction, new world records are expected to be set.

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Posted on March 12, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

1. The Indianapolis Star‘s front page today.
2. The Indianapolis Star‘s website today.
3. It’s not just the local media on Rex Grossman’s back. The Indy Star’s “Cyber survey” today:
This year’s Super Bowl will be remembered for . . .
_ Peyton Manning and the Colts
_ The Bears’ defense
_ The halftime show
_ The commercials
_ Rex Grossman’s passing
_ The Colts’ defense
_ Other
4. Some other front pages, including “Super Bust” over a photo of Rex Grossman from the Northwest Herald and “Pey Day” from the Daily Independent of Ashland, Kentucky.
5. “What can Vegas offer at a time like this? How about 3.5 miles of silver lining.”
– VisitLasVegas.com

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Posted on February 5, 2007

By Eric Emery

As the day progressed, it became clear that the Kool-Aid Nation was to experience heartbreak. Here are a few notable items and the times they occurred:
4:10 PM: Third person arrives at party with “2006 NFC Champions” shirt. Bears fans must already know this is the last championship they will win this year.
4:35 PM: A friend and I peruse Vegas’s Super Bowl proposition bets. Party member looks for “Number of times Phil Simms stumbles over himself,” but finds nothing. Vegas knows it could never set the line high enough.
5:30 PM: Billy Joel sings National Anthem. I look for “Number of shots consumed by Bill Joel before singing the National Anthem,” but I also find nothing. Same reason, I guess.
5:35:01 PM: Everybody (but me) starts singing “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” after Hester kick off return.
5:35:05 PM: Everybody starts realizing they don’t know all of the words to “Bear Down, Chicago Bears.”

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Posted on February 5, 2007

By The Beachwood Niche Marketing Affairs Desk

The difference between winning and losing the Super Bowl is amply demonstrated by the endorsement opportunities that follow. Analysts shared with us the likely sponsorships in store for the Bears, win or lose.
Rex Grossman
Win: Disneyland.
Lose: Abilify, the new drug for bipolar disorder.
Brian Urlacher
Win: Trojan.
Lose: Susan Loggins, attorney.
Charles “Peanut” Tillman
Win: Reese’s Pieces.
Lose: Carter Center.

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Posted on February 1, 2007

By Michael Raspatello

Your [February 1 – February 7] leisure guide from the Beachwood Sports Desk.
THURSDAY: To Read/Appreciate Art. New City’s “Super Special” Issue. Newsstands Everywhere. Free. Pick up the latest copy of New City and take a good look at the cover. And don’t try to skimp out by looking online, cause they picture ain’t there. On the cover is model Sandra Salgado “wearing” an Urlacher jersey, reminding you why you’re a Bears fan. And a breasts fan. If that’s not your cup of milk, look inside for other musings about the big day, including a guide to bars celebrating the game and recipes for hot wings.
FRIDAY: To Enjoy Satire/Laugh So Hard You Burn Calories. Onion Super Bowl coverage. Free. In case you haven’t noticed, The Onion now features a long-overdue Sports Section. Current stories include “Bears Lead Rex Grossman to Super Bowl,” “Bears Deny Placing Snow, Fog Machines on Dolphin Stadium Sidelines,” and “Bears Inspire City Still Reeling from Great Chicago Fire of 1871.”

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Posted on January 31, 2007

By Eric Emery

Dos and Donts to keep in mind while the Bears proceed to win the Super Bowl on Sunday.
* DO remain in close contact your fellow Bears fans from now until game time. Even the bandwagon fans. This is a time for goodwill toward all.
* DO NOT contact any Colts fans you may know. They live in Indiana.
* DO purchase an insane amount of alcohol. You cannot overdo it.
* DO NOT consume all that alcohol before game time without restocking.

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Posted on January 30, 2007

By The Beachwood News Filler Affairs Desk

How the city’s media will fill the remaining days until the Super Bowl.
1. Devin Hester’s fastest Dan Ryan alternate routes.
2. Breaking Barriers. What it’s like for Rex Grossman to be the first Jewish quarterback in the Super Bowl.
3. Janet Davies with Tank Johnson: 50 ways to decorate on house arrest with Ikea Bolingbrook.
4. The Sun-Times wants photos of other Chicagoans named Lovie.
5. Ditka’s Garbage: What’s In It? Chuck Goudie investigates.

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Posted on January 30, 2007

By Eric Emery

Observations.
1. Rex Grossman disappointed fans most of the year, leaving them with an uneasy feeling about the Bears playoff prospects.
2. Rex Grossman disappointed fans by playing pretty well in the playoffs, leaving them with an uneasy feeling about the Super Bowl.
3. Chicks dig Urlacher. Except for that one.
4. The best offense is a Devin Hester punt return.

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Posted on January 27, 2007

By Eric Emery

For the past few days, I have tried to wrap my head around this year’s Super Bowl match-up. Just how, for example, did the Bears even land in the Super Bowl? Did they consistently dominate their opponents? Yes, for the first five weeks. Did they play great defense? Sometimes. Did they get great play out of their quarterback? As much as they did not.
The Colts provide even fewer answers. Where did their suddenly competent run defense come from? Where has Marvin Harrison gone? Why does Peyton Manning express sadness in a commercial that a former coach of his introduced him to Rock and Roll? Was that a bad thing? And what’s with the cheesy mustache get-up?
Simply put, I’ve been having trouble making sense of it all. That is, I was having trouble until Friday night.

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Posted on January 27, 2007

By Rick Kaempfer

I’m the man in the middle, Brian Urlacher,
Distracted by nothing, except big knockers,
When I’m not bringing, the running back down,
I’m planting my seed, all over the town,
After one of my hits, my foes are dizzy,
Paternity suits, tend to keep me busy,
Sign non-disclosures to keep ’em muffled,
While I am doing the Super Bowl Shuffle

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Posted on January 23, 2007