Chicago -
In which we track the travails and triumphs of the area’s myriad minor league baseball teams. But mostly the travails. Season highlights updated as events warrant.
In this edition: Two of our mascots are celebrating championships this week. Two others are already booking events for December. The 2007 wrap-up.
Posted on September 19, 2007
By Marty Gangler
Last week we likened the 2007 Cubs to the remake of the horror classic Halloween, but this week we think we’ve been thinking about the rollercoaster they’re going to build at Great America in Gurnee called The 2007 Cubs. Featuring:
The Soriano Slinger: Your car immediately climbs the most expensive section of track to its highest point and then sends you careening toward Earth, which is a thrill but seems a bit early for such dramatics. Park engineers are still debating whether to move this segment to the middle of the ride.
Ryan’s Runway: This is the old-fashioned part of the track that scrapes and scratches its way into position for the big arcs and loops that follow. Traditionally, this would be the start of the ride.
The Derrek Loop-Lee-Loop: This part of the ride is really well-oiled but only has enough power to barely get the cars through the loop.
Posted on September 17, 2007
By Eric Emery
In roughly a month, Drew Carey debuts as the new host of The Price is Right. Carey is famously a Browns fan. If he was a Bears fan, he might make these slight adjustments to TPiR’s games.
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Now . . . and Then: Compare key rushing statistics and determine if the Bears top back is Cedric Benson (now) or Thomas Jones (then).
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East of Edens: Estimate the blood-alcohol level, speed of car, or number of lies told by Tank Johnson without going over.
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Lucky 7: Make contestants determine whether the figure behind the screen is the Adrian Peterson who had more than seven yards per touch or the Adrian Peterson who had a seven-carry, one-fumble performance.
Posted on September 14, 2007
By Eric Emery
Coming into the opening week of football, media coverage typically centers on the coaching and roster changes that occurred during the off-season. But what about the changes to the media coverage? For exampe, ESPN is now featuring a 10-year old in their pre-game program. So we’re looking for wisdom from a prepubescent?
Well, okay then. Here are some other new segments I’d like to see.
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Segment: John Madden and Special (and Naked) Guest Food Network Personality Giada Di Laurentiis in How To Fix a Bacon During Halftime.
Pro: Bacon is yummy. It is mankind’s greatest invention.
Con: Madden stands in front. Splashing bacon grease on bare skin hurts.
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Segment: Dr. Phil gives his folksy advice to wives trying to cope with their husbands’ obsessive football watching habits.
Pro: Gives husbands leverage in watching more football.
Con: Gives wives more leverage in watching Oprah.
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Segment: Neighborhood Guy Guarantees the Winner Against the Spread.
Pro: Builds community.
Con: Aggressive payment program when for surprisingly frequent losses.
Posted on September 13, 2007
By Marty Gangler
Watching the Cubs try to blow the season this week got me thinking about the 2004 season and how the Cubs blew that one down the stretch too. It’s like, “I’ve seen this movie before.” Which got me thinking about a movie I just saw which was “new” but essentially still the same. This week I was roped into seeing the remake of the horror “classic” Halloween. I think you see where I’m going with this. Let’s take a look.
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1. The movie’s franchise player is a violent psychopath. Just like the Cubs’ franchise player.
2. The same scenes unfold grotesquely in sequel after sequel. For both franchises.
3. Michael Myers never gets better but his corporate owners reap millions in profits from his failures. Sound familiar?
Posted on September 10, 2007
By Eric Emery
The life cycle of a Bears season.
Stage 1: A whole lot of noise precedes a little action.
The process begins every April. For roughly 12 hours, fans watching ESPN moan, scream, swear and cheer each pick their team makes in the NFL draft. Chris Berman also works up a sweat and after all this Kama Sutraesque verbal action, the proceedings generate seven little draft picks, looking for an egg to fertilize.
Posted on September 7, 2007
By Eric Emery
The NFL isn’t exactly a repository of great wisdom these days – outside of whatever we can learn from strip clubs and dogfights. But the sages of the ages do have some useful advice for fans if you know how to interpret their words. We’ll translate for you.
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Tupac Shakur: Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.
Applied to NFL: And Lovie dreamed that Lance Briggs wasn’t drinking and didn’t violate any team rules.
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Shakira: Hips don’t lie.
Applied to NFL: But the football players attached to them do.
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Scott “Dilbert” Adams: If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?
Applied to NFL: Watch any locker room interview to find out.
Posted on September 6, 2007
By Marty Gangler
The Cubs continue to be in first place and I believe that they will finish up this season on top. So what does that mean to Cub fans? Well, it means meaningful games in September and must-see playoff baseball in October, and that doesn’t happen much around here. And with playoff baseball comes the hard thinking about where to watch the game. You could try to get tickets and go to the game, but that is hard to do. You could watch it at home (or at a friend’s house) with amenities like cheap beer, relatively clean bathrooms, and corn chips at your disposal. Or you could watch it out in one of the bevy of drinking establishments this great city has to offer.
For the sake of argument, let’s say you want to go out to the neighborhood corner tavern (they still have those, right?) Now, what are you going to wear? If you are a Cub fan of any significance you probably have at least one team T-shirt, sweatshirt, jacket or jersey. But what if you have more than one? What to do then? Decisions, decisions. It’s not like you can wear that shirt that you wore the last time they won the World Series. Back in 1908 you probably loomed a “C” on your own clothes. Okay, you probably didn’t loom your own clothes in 1908, but I’m not that into history and the point is you have to make a decision. The problem is, you are probably going to go with your most expensive piece of Cubness, and that would probably be a jersey – if you have one. And then, the problem with the jersey is that it’s probably a Sammy Sosa jersey that you bought in 2002. Or that Prior jersey you bought in 2003. Or maybe a Garciaparra or a Pierre. These guys aren’t on the team anymore (or in Prior’s case anywhere near the active roster ) and more than that they carry some baggage. It’s hard to look cool when you are going into the restroom in between innings with your 2001 Kerry Wood jersey when someone across the bar yells, “Hey Woody, don’t slip and fall getting off the throne in there!” It’s not the funniest thing in the world to say, but it might get some laughs at the bar and do you want to be the guy getting laughed at?
So what to do?
Posted on September 4, 2007
By Eric Emery
I’ve heard commentators describe the pre-season this year as “a dress rehearsal for the regular season” so many times that I thought I was watching a high school play. And then I figured it out: Even our football analysts have High School Musical 2 on the brain.
And now, so do I.
Let’s do a little casting.
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Performer: Lovie Smith
HSM2 Role: Ryan Evans
Pro: Used to dealing with drama queens.
Con: Weak improvisational skills.
Posted on August 31, 2007
By Eric Emery
If the Bush Administration ran the NFL.
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The Offensive Surge: The five worst teams will be allowed 15 players on offense until they are ready to stand up on their own.
Reason: The league’s losing teams aren’t devoid of purpose, planning or passion, they simply need more people to execute the plan they knew would work all along.
Complication: Additional salaries cause spiraling deficits while teams become reliant on extra players. Biconference study group can’t find way out.
Posted on August 30, 2007
