By Eric Emery

Still getting over the severe beating you took in your office pool last week? Guess what, the pro sports bettors are too. A staggering nine of 14 underdogs won. You now need help explaining your gambling losses to your loved ones. As a public service, here are some ideas about how to cope when underdogs rule.
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What To Say: You didn’t lose money this week betting; rather you had to sell your gold Rolex watch to the Goldman family.
Will It Work? Only if you make up the money stealing back your memorabilia to fund efforts to find your ex-wife’s killer.
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What To Say: I’ll make the money up like Ozzie – I’ll stink at work to get a fat contract extension.
Will It Work? Only if your boss is Kenny Williams.
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What To Say: I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t expect the president to be so cold-hearted that he would veto health insurance for our children. I had already cancelled our policies thinking we’d have more money to buy groceries.
Will It Work? Yes. Take a hard line on your kids’ Socialist leanings.

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Posted on October 4, 2007

You’ve heard the song, now see the video! Updated for the playoffs.

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Posted on October 1, 2007

By Marty Gangler

Playoff Update
GAME 2 REVIEW: At least there is no second-guessing in a game with on guessing at all. You don’t have to guess at the Cubs chances, which are not good. Someone needs to tell Diamondbacks that they can’t hit. I suggest telling them soon. Someone should also tell Soriano that he’s being used in the commercials for this series, and that means he’s supposed to get a big hit.
GAME 3 PREVIEW: It all comes down to Rich Hill. Who’d have thunk? Next year is awfully close to being here. When do pitchers and catchers report?
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GAME 1 REVIEW: The Cubs didn’t execute when they had runners in scoring position and it cost them the game. And say what you like about taking Big Z out early, but last time I checked you need to score more than one run to win almost all the time. Asking your pitching staff to shut out the other team, even if it is the woeful D-Backs, is like asking Britney Spears to babysit – both are a recipe for disaster.
Still, has there ever been a playoff game with two bigger second guessing moments? Not bunting with Big Z and pulling him at only 85 pitches. Thank God there is another game today so these questions can only be batted around for a few more hours. I already want to throw up.
GAME 2 PREVIEW: Ted Lilly has stepped up all year and should not disappoint tonight. Ted Lilly fixes things, like losing streaks. Ted Lilly is The Wolf from Pulp Fiction. Ted Lilly is a guy you’d want to babysit your kids. Ted Lilly approved these sentences.
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The Cub Factor
Wait, what is that I hear? Is that the unmistakable sound of Champagne corks popping and cans of Coors light being cracked open or is it the sound of a large construction vehicle backing up making a beeping sound? Maybe it’s a little of both. Sure the Cubs kinda backed up into the playoffs but who the hell cares? Sure they spent way more money than any other team in the NL Central to buy a championship, but who cares? Sure there is no way Alfonso Soriano’s whale of a contract will be worth it in its last four years when he’s hurt and out of baseball, but who cares!? And sure this team should of played much better during the entire season and the roster was a complete mess and Jim Hendry is an idiot and they are too cheap to redo the playing surface and the Brewers choked and Mike Fontenot can’t hit a curve ball and I still hate Jacque Jones and here come the fair weather fans BUT WHO CARES!! The Cubs are 2007 National League Central division champions. So, with this in mind, we here at The Cub Factor would like to help you out. I know, we’ve been helping you out all season long with weekly witty Cub breakdowns and analogies but now it’s the playoffs. And the biggest question to ask yourself during the playoffs is . . .
Where do I watch the games?

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Posted on October 1, 2007

By Eric Emery

After the Bears’ 34-10 drubbing at the hands of Dallas, the Kool-Aid Nation centered their thoughts around one mantra: “It could be worse.” Well, technically, only two things are worse than their current record: 0-3 and 0-2-1. I’m not one to piss on the Kool-Aid Nation’s parade, though. Rather, allow me to help list the things that are non-technically worse than a 1-2 record.
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After a night of drinking, you crash your car. Thankfully, the cops seem to forget to ask you why you left the accident scene.
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You ask your spouse for “tickets for the big game;” you get home opener tickets for the Blackhawks.
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You get to speak to a packed house at an Ivy League school. Unfortunately, your name is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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Posted on September 28, 2007

By Don Jacobson

Although you never, ever want to see anyone’s demise as a blessing, it’s hard for a true hockey fan such as myself to not be somewhat encouraged about the chances for a Chicago renaissance for the beloved game now that longtime Blackhawks owner Bill Wirtz has passed on. If his survivors do the right thing and sell the franchise to someone who knows how to market the game – like Chicago Wolves owner Don Levin – there could finally be something approaching a fitting presence for puck-heads in one of the pro game’s storied American cradles.
Not to speak ill of the dead, but the backwardness of Wirtz and the Hawks organization knew no bounds. As a Minnesotan coming to Chicago in the ’90s, I had no idea how bad it really was. Of course I realized that the Blackhawks had seen better days, but when I volunteered to cover their games as a sportswriter for United Press International in 1994, I quickly discovered something: The team, from the front office to the coaches on down to the locker room attendants, was comprised of surly pricks whose idea of press relations was to snarl one-syllable answers to pretty much any kind of question. And if that’s how they treated the press, imagine how they felt about their dwindling base of poor, long-suffering fans.

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Posted on September 27, 2007

By Eric Emery

Last season, the most frequent caller in the Chicago sports radio world was The Angry Caller. Or, more to the point, The Angry At Rex Grossman Caller. This season it’s already clear that, even with the benching of Sexy Rexy this week, Bears fans realize that the team’s problems run deeper than just the quarterback position. Now we have a bevy of Confused Callers. Let’s take a look.
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Caller: “If only X would have happened, the Bears would have won . . . ”
For Example: “If Hester would have got the corner” . . . “If Berrian didn’t drop that pass” . . . “If Robbie Gould would have run in for a TD on that ridiculous fake FG attempt . . . ”
Guess What? If my Aunt had nuts, she would be my Uncle.
Should You Listen To This Caller? No. It’s like listening to lunatics explaining that if we don’t fight the terrorists in Iraq, we’ll have to fight them right here. Well Guess What?

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Posted on September 27, 2007

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern

The last two months we’ve been answering some of your questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. Since that original column, we’ve gotten many more questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.
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“T” writes: My neighbor is one of those cynical Cubs fans. He thinks they are going to blow it again this year. Please reassure him and tell him that we have nothing to worry about it.
R&D: Don’t worry. Being a Cub means achieving the impossible. After all, Cubs great Hack Wilson became an alcoholic during Prohibition.
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“B” writes: Why does everyone consider the Cubs a pathetic franchise? Shouldn’t they get credit for being in the World Series 10 times (1906, 1907, 1908, 1910, 1918, 1929, 1932, 1935, 1938, 1945)?
R&D: So true. Although, let’s be honest, they only won two of those ten Series’. And . . . two more of them were during war years (1918, 1945). In 1918, the season ended on September 1st, which means the Cubs didn’t get a chance to blow it in their most unsuccessful month. In 1945, the only guys playing in MLB were the guys who couldn’t serve in the military – and the military was taking almost everyone. Also, in two other World Series appearances the Cubs were swept in four games (1932 and 1938) by the Yankees. But your point is well taken. Ten times in 39 years is pretty impressive. If only the world had ended in 1945.

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Posted on September 26, 2007

What a week! In the immortal words of Flounder from Animal House, “Isn’t this great?” Indeed, this is a Cub fan’s dream isn’t it? Sure, the real dream is to win the World Series but you have to be soaking this up. Memorable last two weeks of the season don’t happen much around here, so let’s take in all this race has to offer.
That said, this run isn’t for the faint of heart. Oh no, this is life/death, they suck/they’re great, I love them/I hate them baseball on most every pitch. With this in mind, we here at The Cub Factor would like to offer some “things to do” to help cope with the potentially gut-wrenching final weeks. Sure they’re sitting pretty right now, but do you think it’s going to be smooth sailing the rest of the way? Have you not learned anything in your lifetime? These are the Cubs. The lovable – and not so much – losers, remember? So here are a few coping aids to keep you this side of sane.
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Start smoking. The Cubs’ inevitable defeat is probably going to kill you anyway.
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Date someone horribly wrong for you. All the brutal relationship issues will take your mind off the Cubs.
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Become a White Sox fan. Good seats still available for the final homestand.

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Posted on September 24, 2007

By Eric Emery

Clearly, Devin Hester is ridiculous. Of course, we only see His ridiculousness on Sunday. What about the rest of the week? Let’s say that Hester works in mysterious ways.
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Sunday: Hester creates light. Hester divides light from darkness. Hester scores.
Monday: On Sunday, Hester was good. So on Monday, Hester rests.
Tuesday: Hester divides the water from above from the water below. The water from above is called Heaven. This is where Hester builds his many mansions. The water from below is called Hell. This is where Michael Vick lives.

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Posted on September 21, 2007

By Eric Emery

O.J. Simpson may be back in the news, but we think his hijinks will be trumped by the adventures of a few current players this season.
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Ray Lewis: Follows O.J.’s example with a book called Fuck Yeah, I Stabbed the Shit Out of That Guy.
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Peyton Manning: Releases a “Best Of . . . ” DVD of his best commercials.
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Eli Manning: Releases a “Worst Of . . . ” DVD of Peyton’s worst commercials.

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Posted on September 20, 2007