By Jim Coffman

Maybe now it will happen. Now the Bears will hop onto the ripple of momentum created by Sunday’s precarious victory over the rickety Raiders and ride it for all it’s worth. After all, a perfect deep ball drops into the arms of an open receiver in full stride like a pebble arcs into a lake and positive energy radiates out in barely perceptible, but expanding, circles. OK, so the squad didn’t exactly surf the waves created by its last two, much bigger wins – exciting conference triumphs over the Packers and the Eagles (as opposed to the AFC doormats who call Oakland home). One must conclude that Sunday’s victory generates but a trickle of hope. It is dew on a football that was left out in the grass last night.
Let’s dive right into the highlights:

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Posted on November 12, 2007

By Jim Coffman

Don’t get me wrong – I’m thrilled the Blackhawks have finally come to their senses and signed what will surely be the first of many deals to locally televise some of their home games. And I’m sitting down as I write this to check out the first game of the new, televised era of home Blackhawks hockey . But I’ve had a bone to pick with all those who televise hockey for a long time and it’s time to air the grievance.
Why, pray tell, was the glowing puck taken out of play after it was introduced for, what, one shining season a decade ago on which network was it again? Wait, I just Googled “glowing hockey puck” and, of course, it was Fox TV that introduced the puck that viewers could actually see throughout the games that aired on that network in 1996.
It may have been a bit cheesy when the glow changed colors as the puck reached certain speeds, but hey, the bottom line was you could always tell what was going on. Heck, you even had X-ray vision when the puck was behind the boards. But hockey purists soon ran the innovation out of the league.
So Rocky Wirtz, why stop at televising Hawks home games? Why not do something even more outlandish?

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Posted on November 12, 2007

By Eric Emery

If you’re a Bears fan, there’s something you realize about halfway through each season: Math stinks. To make the playoffs, you need at least nine wins. So at the least, the Bears need to win six of their last eight to have a chance. And at that point, you might as well mail in the season because the Bears would be entering the playoffs as the sixth seed. The only team that parlays the sixth seed into a Super Bowl win is the Pittsburgh Steelers.
So let’s face it, the Bears need to go 7-1 or 8-0 to prolong the season. What are the chances? Let’s take a look into the Beachwood crystal ball.
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Week 10: At Oakland
Beachwood Prediction: Raiders work best at sea on a boat. Bears are surprisingly great swimmers, leaving the Raiders defenseless. Besides, Al Davis is really, really old.
Winner: Bears
Week 11: At Seattle
Beachwood Prediction: Seahawks and Bears compete for the same resource: fish. So either the Seahawks go hungry or tempt fate by swooping down for the tasty salmon. Besides, with the game moving to the afternoon, the home fans will be without their requisite 1000 mg of caffeine.
Winner: Bears

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Posted on November 9, 2007

By Eric Emery

At this point of the season, your team might not be the only team giving up hope. Millions of football fans play fantasy football, and most of those fans have given up on their fantasy football teams too. For those fantasy teams with a 3-6 record, it’s time to look to next year.
But unlike real teams, fantasy teams can easily reinvent themselves by changing their name. The average Beachwood Reporter reader demands a witty, refined name to show off your intelligence. Here are some ideas for next year, by genre.
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TV
* The Peter Griffins
* The Real Housewives of Cook County
* Cavemen
* Flava Flav’s Fifth STD
* The Interventions

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Posted on November 8, 2007

By Jim Coffman

There were solutions out there on Sunday, I just knew it. A meticulous assessment of a day’s worth of National Football League action (while the Bears were bye-ing) would provide the answers and offer up reasons to keep the faith. The path back to respectability, otherwise known as playoff contention, would open up like the big ol’ hole you could drive a truck through.
Either that or I’d simply revel in all things football as I enjoyed a respite from the local squad, a needed break from the team I continue to pull for with completely counter-intuitive intensity. I used to think it would all ease up a bit as I grew older, but at this point it seems clear that isn’t going to happen. It is also clear my beloved Bears need help. Let me also note there wasn’t much help to be had in the biggest game of the day and indeed, the season. The Patriots and Colts would be playing at 3:15 p.m. on this glorious fall afternoon. But the problem with that contest was that the Pats and Horseshoes aren’t even in the Bears’ league any more. They are way, way out in front, playing a game with which the Bears are not even preliminarily familiar. And the Bears have plenty of company: the Super Bowl this year will be almost inconsequential on the heels of the AFC Championship game.

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Posted on November 5, 2007

By Eric Emery

There’s one weekend every year that prevents me from watching a significant amount of football: My wedding anniversary. I admit, then, that I did not watch the Bears’ last game. I understand, though, that the Bears played like microwaved monkey turds.
I did get a chance, though, to watch Saturday Night Live last weekend. Like the Bears fan who keeps watching all the way through a four-interception performance, I believe that if I watch an entire episode of SNL, something good will eventually happen, even though it rarely does. Even if – like the Bears offensive game plan – I’m watching a rerun I already know is doomed.
That’s not all Saturday Night Live has in common with the Bears. Let’s take a look.

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Posted on November 2, 2007

By Eric Emery

Late in the baseball season, my brother-in-law Sal and I discussed an important issue facing sports fans today – Jersey Selection/Wearing Rules. With the holiday season just around the corner, you may consider buying one for you or as a gift. Here are some guidelines to protect your hard-earned money.
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1. Consider purchasing a shirt and jacket instead. Let’s fact it, you might be honoring your favorite player, but you’re simply either too fat, skinny, tall, short, sensitive or violent to pull it off. Wearing the shirt-and-jacket ensemble proves the point – you’re not just some fly-by-night crappy ass fan.
2. The “woman going to a wedding” corollary. Women reading this column know one thing: You never want to attend a wedding wearing the same dress as some other woman. In the same vein, no two people in a group should own the same jersey. When the second person knowingly purchases the same jersey as a friend, the offender shall be ridiculed to the fullest extent of the law. And then some.

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Posted on November 1, 2007

By Jim Coffman

When Detroit defensive back Kenoy Kennedy embarked on an ill-advised interception return (instead of just taking a touchback, he left the end zone and was almost immediately tackled well inside the 10) during Sunday’s first half, my cousin Carmen noted reassuringly “There’s the Lions being the Lions.”
That used to be such a satisfying put-down. But it’s officially out the window, at least around here. On the other hand I would imagine fans of the visiting team were having a grand old time identifying all those “Bears being Bears” sequences during Sunday’s debacle.

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Posted on October 29, 2007

By Eric Emery

Philly exhibited their two-minute “statue defense” and allowed the Bears to rally last week. To their credit, the Bears showed heart in the closing seconds of the game. Now at 3-4, the Bears are at the dreaded crossroads. Two Chicago teams met at that same crossroads earlier this year: the White Sox and the Cubs. One team went on to fail in mythic proportions. The other team went on a huge winning streak and then hung on for dear life until it failed in mythic proportions.
So the question is: Are this year’s Bears the Cubs or the White Sox? Let’s take a look.
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Cubs:
* Team starts out losing with wrong personnel; lineup changes lead the way to victory.
* Mike Brown equals Mark Prior. You know why.
* Bernard Berrian equals Michael Barrett. Neither can catch anymore.
* Kyle Orton equals Glendon Rusch. Just because.
* Cedric Benson equals Steve Trachsel. Both are too slow to the target.

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Posted on October 26, 2007

By Eric Emery

Perhaps the most ridiculous commercial today is the Career Builder spot where they liken the office environment to a jungle. Office work must really that bad all over to give that commercial such wide appeal. Funny, then, how they’re trying to get you a job at one of them.
And if you’re in an office pool – or just talk ball at work – the ignorant beasts really start buzzing about. Let’s take a look at the various types who probably work in your office.
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Monkey
Identifying the Monkey: It’s the co-worker who jumps across the NFL landscape flinging poo about your team. Probably watched 30 minutes of ESPN to learn just enough to make fun of you.
Shutting up the Monkey: Tell him “I know you heard that from Chris Berman. He’s funnier than you, and Berman is not that funny.”
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Tiger
Identifying the Tiger: It’s the co-worker who lays in weeds quietly until lashing out at an inopportune time with a lame joke about Tank Johnson and Ben Roethlisberger meeting at a traffic accident.
Shutting up the Tiger: Fight fire with fire. Return with “Oh, were you the guy that had to chopper out?”

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Posted on October 25, 2007