By Dan O’Shea

Before we turn our eyes to Week 7 in the NFL, which saw even more stars steered from their starting line-ups by injuries and other issues, let’s focus our attention on matters in which we can still invest some hope. That’s right, the Fantasy NBA season is only just beginning, and not too much has gone wrong yet – unless you’re a wishful Washington Wizards fan eager to show your support by drafting Gilbert Arenas (PG) and Brendan Haywood (C) early. If so, please reconsider, as both have suffered season-obliterating injuries.
Here’s a quick position-by-position round-up of the players worth watching this season:

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Posted on October 22, 2008

By Jim Coffman

I almost hopped in my car and drove down to Soldier Field to volunteer for cornerback duty for the Bears on Sunday. But I just can’t get out of my back-pedal like I used to. OK, OK, I can’t even get into my back-pedal. Fortunately, good old Zack Bowman, who moved up from no-string to third-string to first-string in the last week bounced back from what appeared to be a significant arm injury to finish off the 48-41 victory (you can’t really call it a triumph can you? I mean, 41 points against? We’re not calling it a conquest either) with the Bears’ fourth interception.
What’s that? You say you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Bowman? Well, he’s a rookie free agent out of Nebraska who grew up in Anchorage, Alaska. At Barlett High School there he starred on the football and basketball teams. On the court he teamed with 2008 Final Four hero Mario Chalmers. The Bears’ web site (which contains all these fun little nuggets) spells his name two different ways (Zackary and Zachary). But it identifies his father as Zackary Bowman and that’s the clincher. In his first NFL game, Bowman put up six points to go with his pick and he now leads fellow former Cornhusker Mike Brown 1-0 in two categories on the season.

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Posted on October 20, 2008

By Eric Emery

Last week, the Bears fell to 3-3. Like their other two losses, the Bears employed one of their favorite plays: Fill the adult diaper with crap. Unlike their other two losses, though, the Bears used a little creativity. I appreciate their efforts, given that if the Bears were to simply use the same path to defeat all year, writing about them would become tedious and uninteresting. Perhaps the Bears need additional suggestions for thinking up interesting ways to lose. Below are some other creative ways to disappoint the Kool-Aid Nation:
* Lovie Smith replaces the playbook with the U.S. military’s original counter-insurgency guide.
* Lovie replaces Kyle Orton with Richard M. Daley. To make Daley feel comfortable, Lovie only calls misdirection plays.
* Allow fans to make next call through text-message voting.

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Posted on October 17, 2008

By Eric Emery

With Halloween just around the corner, you might consider dressing as your favorite team’s mascot. The problem is, however, the mascot may not be indicative or representative of your city. Worse yet, the mascot may represent some archaic person or word that no longer means anything meaningful. To help the fans of the NFL and Halloween, here is the city and some alternate mascot names:
City: Green Bay
Alternative to Packers: The Overweight Triple Bypass Heart Patients
Halloween Costume: A bottle of brandy eating fried cheese curds.

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Posted on October 16, 2008

By Dan O’Shea

A week after we suggested no one cares about kickers, NFL booters made us pay by deciding three games in the waning seconds, sending another into OT and factoring heavily in at least six games. By now, everyone in the Chicago area is achingly familiar Week 6’s most prolific kicker, legendary Bronco-turned-Dirty Bird Jason Elam.
Elam kicked 5 FGs, including the literally-last-second 48-yarder, his longest of the day. He now leads Yahoo! Fantasy Football in kicker points, but may have been undrafted or unclaimed in many leagues thus far (still only 34 percent owned in Yahoo! leagues as of late Monday).

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Posted on October 15, 2008

By Steve Rhodes

Now that Dusty is back in a dugout in Cincinnati – and still spouting weird theories that are driving Reds fans nuts – we thought it would be fun to bring The Dusty & Ozzie Show back from its popular run in 2006. After all, Ozzie hasn’t changed either.
*
And now we close out the season on The Dusty & Ozzie Show with this final gem:
No “I” in Ozzie’s Team, but a You, September 26: “Orlando is a big part of this ballclub, and if we’re going to win, we win as a team. If we lose, well, he’s the first guy to look at because he’s the only guy that’s played almost every day.”

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Posted on October 14, 2008

By Jim Coffman

At the end of this one, only the timeless lament uttered most memorably by former tennis great John McEnroe seemed appropriate.
“You cannot be serious!” he surely would have bellowed had he watched the Bears turn a shocking comeback into a ridiculous defeat against the Falcons on Sunday. For the longest time, Atlanta had it all under control. Even when the Bear offense finally finished a drive with a touchdown in the second half, the Falcons had the answer, marching right back down the field to stretch the lead right back out to nine. The Bears scored three more but then the Falcons immediately put themselves in position to do the same.
Then chaos commenced.

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Posted on October 13, 2008

By Eric Emery

Last Sunday, I trod on dangerous ground. I watched the Bears game with four Bears fans. As the only non-Bears fan in attendance, I walked a very fine line. On one side, you must insult them for their taste in teams. On the other hand, too many insults results in you tasting their fist. So here are the dos and don’ts to attending a Bears party:
* Do bring food that is Bears-themed. While they are giving high-fives because of another four-yard run, you’ll get your investment back by drinking their beer.
* Do make sure your food gift is over the top. Consider blue-and-orange frosted cupcakes. Like moths to the flame, while you drink their beer.
* Don’t cheer when the Bears make a good play. You will be forced to high-five. Or, actually, high-ten.

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Posted on October 10, 2008

By Eric Emery

In last week’s Kool-Aid Report, I predicted that Bears fans would reach their highest emotional point of well-being after the Lions game. As predicted, the Bears crushed the Lions. Due to recent hard times for Chicago’s sports teams, though, fans have been a bit rusty in the art of making the “happy sports radio call.” We’re here to help.

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Posted on October 9, 2008

By Marty Gangler

Okay. What is there to say about what happened again in the playoffs? And if you are any sort of fan of The Cub Factor, what is there to say that’s kind of funny about what happened again this year in the playoffs? The only answer is: nothing. There is nothing funny about what happened. But is there hope? Hope sucks. Here is an e-mail exchange I had with a colleague from Boston who is a big Red Sox fan:

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Posted on October 9, 2008