By George Ofman
He just can’t help himself. This is what fuels Milton the Martyr. The whole world is after him. It’s not his fault, it’s someone else. Whether admitting he doesn’t have rapport with most of his teammates to being called a piece of shit by his manager, Milton the Martyr can’t escape the limelight, or himself.

Over/Under: New Cubs odds

And now the word hatred creeps in. This is dangerous territory. Following last night’s humiliating loss to the Nationals, a game in which he actually had success going 4-for-4, Milton Bradley again was the target of the fans derision. “It’s never comfortable,” he said.”It’s hard to be comfortable when you don’t get a hit and you get booed every time. When I go home I look in the mirror, I like what I see. My family is there”
Don’t going anywhere; it gets more intriguing, if not mind-boggling.

Read More

Posted on August 27, 2009

By The Beachwood Goat Affairs Desk
What the book says for the rest of the season.
* Milton Bradley hissy fits: +/- 2.5
* Carlos Marmol walk-off walks: +/- 3
* Bonus: Marmol hit batters: +/- 2
* Number of leadoff hitters: +/- 4
* Bonus: Nationalities of leadoff hitters: +/- 3
* Number of blown Kevin Gregg saves: +/- 1
* Bonus: Duration of Gregg’s remaining career: +/- 2 seasons
* Soriano dropped flies: +/- 1.5
* Chance it will be revealed Soriano injured his knee doing that stupid hop: +/- one in five

Read More

Posted on August 27, 2009

By George Ofman
Heeee’s back – again. Just when you thought it was safe to consider the NFC North a two-quarterback division, you still can. Brett Favre, waffling as often as Charles Grassley on health care, has declared his love for the Vikings and his desire to pummel the Packers and Bears. Maybe he’ll gain his revenge against Green Bay, but he’ll never get a chance against the Bears. That’s because Favre will be a non-factor by then. Either he’ll have been sacked into yet another retirement, his right arm will fall into one of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes or teammates will simply offer him a road map to Mississippi. The Vikings don’t play the Bears until November 29th, at which time Favre will be watching Tarvaris Jackson heave interceptions instead of himself.

Read More

Posted on August 26, 2009

By Eric Emery
As most fans ready themselves with their impending fantasy football drafts and ironing their new purple #4 jerseys, married fans must do a little extra research before the season. A majority of married fans need to be aware of how the football world connects with popular culture. For instance, you need to know the name of that big butted gal who dated Reggie Bush and the Simpson girl who jinxed Tony Romo. If you know these names, your significant other may root along with you. But without the extra popular culture knowledge, you may find yourself watching the World Championships of Figure Skating. When that happens, like in nuclear war, nobody wins.
Here are some less-than-notable football/pop culture connections that you can try out to impress your better half:
* On their first date, Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher challenged Kate Gosselin to put her kids up against his in a game of hoops. Vegas favored Team Urlacher due to its “deep bench.”
* Rap artist 50 Cent and Bengals wideout Chad “Ocho Cinco”Johnson scrapped plans to form a rap duo called “A Buck Thirty Five.”
* The Detroit Lions scrapped plans to appear on the new season of The Biggest Loser when they learned the show wasn’t what they thought it was.

Read More

Posted on August 25, 2009

By Jim Coffman
We’re all taking deep breaths now and repeating our mantra: “Exhibition games don’t mean anything. Exhibition games don’t mean anything.”
Okay, they mean that Devin Hester will continue to make us doubt that he is close to capable of No. 1 receiver-dom and make us wish he might, I don’t know, return a kick or two during the pre-season, considering we can still remember that he was the best returner in NFL history but a brief little season ago.

Beachwood Baseball: The White Sox Report The Cub Factor George Ofman: A Soriano SagaPLUS: Mike Conklin: Derrick Rose: Bit Player

But otherwise . . . “. . . don’t mean anything . . . don’t mean anything . . .”
Learn it, love it, live it.
Well, maybe they mean a little. That pass that Cutler threw to a tightly covered Bennett (Earl that is) on third-and-long deep in his own territory after two lame Matt Forte runs against a stacked (against the run) Giant defense, the pass that kicked off the Bears’ first scoring drive and energized everything, the one that young Jay C. threw into a window that measured approximately two feet by one foot . . . that was pretty good.

Read More

Posted on August 24, 2009

By Marty Gangler
We here at The Cub Factor have found local scribes’suggestions for new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts to be just about as lame as the Cubs lineup. If you pay attention to any of these lists floating around, Tom, pay attention to ours.
1. Hire the best loophole-savvy contract lawyers you can find. Even better if they specialize in outfielders.
2. Bring back the Gatorade cooler but spike it with Prozac.
3. Send Carlos Zambrano, Milton Bradley and Alfonso Soriano on a three-hour tour of the South Pacific. We hear the accommodations on the S.S. Minnow are pretty good.

Read More

Posted on August 24, 2009

By Andrew Reilly
You could almost swear the Sox don’t really want to take the division. You know in your heart they do, but you have to wonder sometimes if maybe Sox players see the likely Death At The Hands Of The Yankees outcome of a theoretical ALDS as not being worth the so-called effort required to get there. How else to explain the reluctance to win easy games, or the general folding under the pressure of playing the absolute nobodies who come to town these days?
There is still some encouragement to be found in the competition, some solace in the fact that while the Sox haven’t gained any ground for a month, they haven’t lost any either. But that line of thinking is dangerous: what we’re rooting for is not for the Sox to win, just for them not to lose. Our collective devotion risks spiraling into a weird, Hawk Harrelsonian abyss of counterlogic and anti-cheering, and any season predicated on the idea of “as long as they can be less bad” is surely doomed.

Read More

Posted on August 24, 2009

By George Ofman
I’m plunked down on my couch the other night watching the Cubs game. No nachos and no beer. I’m 55 and nachos plus beer equal a long night, and not on the couch. You’re probably assuming I’m a masochist watching this team play, but I figure this is probably going to be more entertaining taking in Anderson Cooper 360. I’m wrong. It’s not more entertaining. It’s more aggravating.
Fine, call me a masochist.
I like watching baseball. I just don’t like watching bad baseball. And that’s not just a Cubs thing; it’s the same with the White Sox. Think I enjoy seeing balls go through Alexei Ramirez’s legs? But I digress.

Read More

Posted on August 24, 2009

By Mike Conklin
This has been a lively off-season for journalists covering pro basketball and hockey in Chicago. Between Derrick Rose’s SAT test revelations and Patrick Kane’s taxicab adventures, there have been entertaining, better-than-average sideshows for local fans. They’ve been nicely inflamed by radio talk show hosts.
By far, Rose’s apparent role as an academically ineligible player at Memphis State University is the most significant development. Hockey players have been getting drunk and disorderly forever, but fallout from MSU having an ineligible player on its Final Four team is truly big stuff.

Read More

Posted on August 22, 2009

By Thomas Chambers

If you’ve ever seen a TV news anchor in action, you’d be convinced that they’re little more than cue-taking actors who can read the teleprompter and display three emotions: serious, relieved and amused.
I saw it once a long time ago at Channel 5. I swear that anchor guy walked in and sat down no more that nine seconds before he was due to go live. He tugged his suit jacket, took a quick look at the papers on the desk, and the minute he got the cue he sat up razor sharp and started reading the story. It was awesome. And jarring.
It’s that way with some horseplayers, especially the ones who still swear by using the human tellers. They wait until there is a minute to post and head for the window. Most of the time, they get their bets in, but sometimes they get shut out. I’m convinced that when the old-timers get shut out, they almost want to.

Read More

Posted on August 20, 2009