By Eric Emery
Most years, a Bears Super Bowl appearance hangs in the balance due to a host of “Ifs.”
For instance, the Bears go to the Super Bowl if Grossman stays healthy, if Tommie Harris returns to form, if Urlacher keeps it in his pants, etc. Mostly, everybody knew these “ifs” were insurmountable hurdles to success.

Beachwood Bears: Another Super Bowl Shuffle Worse Than You Think Calendar Bears The Hester Man CanPLUS: The College Report TrackNotes: She’s The One Ofman on Jordan

This year, it’s a foregone conclusion: The Bears are going to the Super Bowl.
This team is nearly bulletproof, in which only the most extraordinary of circumstances will keep the Lombardi Trophy out of Chicago.
Here are those extraordinary circumstances.
* Hollywood lures Devin Hester away to star in Forrest Gump II: The Return of Gump because they need another fast character with no brains.
* Olin Kruetz kills a man for snoring.
* Jay Cutler forgets to rein in his rocket arm, causing his receivers’ hands to explode upon contact.
* To help games from being dominated by the defense, Lovie Smith hands off the defensive play calling to one of the four defensive coordinators on the team.

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Posted on September 11, 2009

By Mike Luce
The college football season finally got underway last Thursday and, truthfully, caught us a bit before we were ready for it here at the Beachwood Sports Desk. So let’s get you caught up and then take a look at this weekend. As always, the following is for entertainment purposes only.
The Week(s) in Review
Game: Utah St. 17 @ #19 Utah 35 (-21)
What was supposed to happen? People love the Utes. And for good reason, I suppose. I’ve always enjoyed Utah’s outsider role in the BCS mess. But for whatever reason, this year’s team does not turn me on. Their game last Thursday was an audition for another run into BCS contention.
What actually happened? Utah won but didn’t cover. See what I mean?

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Posted on September 11, 2009

By Green Bay Bill
A 2009 version of this Beachwood classic.
Green Bay, you’re gonna eat some cheese
Pittsburgh, you lose the second game with ease
Seattle, you and Holmgren are both history
Detroit, congratulations now you’re one and three
Yeah, yeah, now the season’s unfurled
There won’t be any playoffs now in the Bears World
No way, any day this year
Atlanta Falcons are gonna fly
Cincinnati, Ocho-Cinco says goodbye
Cleveland, Erie not to be in the Dawg Pound
Arizona, Another loss before the sun goes down

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Posted on September 11, 2009

By Thomas Chambers

Few are aware of this superstar.
All the cliffhanging hype America manufactures every day, seemingly by rote, or in its sleep. An industry, this “next big thing” always seems to be. People being paid megabucks to “spot trends.”
Yet this one, doing only what she loves, showed more in one minute, and forty-eight point two-one seconds than you’ll ever see from . . . I’ve got to stop bashing the gridders and the cagers and the baseballers.

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Posted on September 11, 2009

By George Ofman
It was the late summer of 1986, early evening as I recall. I decided to pay a visit to my brother’s upscale clothing store on North Clark Street. I did it fairly often because I would get a pretty good discount. My parents didn’t raise a dummy, though there are times that claim is debatable. Much to my lament, Sirreal has been gone for 20 years.
There was one customer standing at the counter near the front entrance that evening. It happened to be Michael Jordan. This was before Michael became mega-Michael. There was no entourage. Matter of fact, it was just Michael in a short-sleeve shirt. He looked rather pedestrian when you consider how splendid Michael dressed as the years moved on. He liked shopping at Sirreal because he enjoyed the privacy. No one bothered him. Few dared ask him for his autograph. He not only worked with my brother but a fellow named Henry Woolford, a real gentleman of the industry with one of the sharpest eyes for color you’d ever meet. All I did when I walked through the door was say,” Hi Michael” and walked right by. I had my own shopping to do, and for a discount. Did I mention that?
I respected Michael’s right to spend gobs of money at my brother’s store. And anyway, I would be talking to him a lot once the season would begin.

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Posted on September 11, 2009

By Matt Farmer and the Hoyle Brothers

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Posted on September 11, 2009

By Eric Emery
If a column called Over/Under failed to make some predictions on the current line regarding regular season wins, we might as well be one more oxymoron, like Microsoft Works or the Detroit Lions.
Team: Denver Broncos
Line: 6.5 wins
Prediction: Under. John Denver behind the controls of a plane is the only Denver worse than this Denver.
Team: Detroit Lions
Line: 4.5 wins
Prediction: Under. Like the Obama health plan initiative, this team suffers 14 setbacks.

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Posted on September 10, 2009

By Jim Coffman
I don’t know about you, but I thought those six hand-offs Jay Cutler strung together during his brief appearance in the first quarter of the Bears’ final exhibition game at Soldier Field last week were absolute perfection in motion. There just aren’t enough superlatives.
But I still think perhaps everyone should simmer down just a bit before anointing the Bears true Super Bowl contenders, no matter how good the quarterback.

Beachwood Bears: Ofman: Worse Than You ThinkPLUS: Fantasy Fix: Hester & Uribe

They certainly don’t have a Super Bowl-caliber field inside the spaceship/war memorial over by the lake. Tight end Desmond Clark broke it all down in his blog and Brad Biggs copied it into the Sun-Times (with attribution of course) early this week – the Bears and the Chicago Park District have embarrassed themselves yet again by failing to field a field even close to NFL standards.

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Posted on September 9, 2009

By Dan O’Shea
What did we learn from the NFL pre-season that will help our fantasy football teams? Here’s five things:
1. Devin Hester may not be the next Brandon Marshall or even the next Eddie Royal in the eyes of his new QB Jay Cutler. In one of my fantasy football drafts, Earl Bennett went one round after Hester did, but even Bennett may not benefit the most. My eyes are now on Johnny Knox, who barely made the team, but may get as much chance to score TDs off Cutler tosses as those other two wide receivers. Don’t pick up Knox just yet, but monitor his Week 1 performance closely.
2. Matthew Stafford is a starting QB, whether any of us think he’s ready for the job. He’s got Calvin Johnson to throw to, but some of his Lions teammates are reportedly none too happy about Stafford being picked to start over vet Daunte Culpepper. We probably haven’t heard the last of this, but Stafford could be interesting as a bench investment right now.

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Posted on September 9, 2009

By George Ofman
Be forewarned: The Bears will not win the Super Bowl.
Nor are they likely to play in it.
This is not a revelation from high above, though some people higher than Geovany Soto think the 2009 edition just might make it. Not that Sports Illustrated guru Peter King has something funny in his pipe; however, he did predict the Bears would lose Super Bowl XLIV to the New England Patriots. Stranger things have happened.
I once had the Hindenburg minus three and look where that got me.

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Posted on September 9, 2009