Chicago -
By George Ofman
Can you remember the last time there was such a hue and cry over a Chicago Bears quarterback?
Sure you can.
It was just a few years ago and just about everyone wanted the head of Rex Grossman.
Soon, the good and bad Rex was history.
But it’s different with Jay Cutler. A lot different.
Posted on November 25, 2009
By Dan O’Shea
In the O’Shea household, we don’t let a Thanksgiving pass without mention of “the Pope’s Nose.” That’s what my dearly departed Italian mother and many mothers before her called the turkey’s tail – though really, it’s not a tail, just more of a butt-flap, if you’ll accept that term for consideration.
Nothing would get my mother more excited on Thanksgiving than the Pope’s Nose. During the hours-long cooking of the bird, she would eagerly inspect the turkey’s anus to check the progress of this appendage. It was said to be the sweetest and juiciest meat on the bird, though I think present generations would just call it fat. I’m not she sure ever actually ate the Pope’s Nose – I let her take that secret to the grave, and would like to think it was thrown to the dogs when the rest of us weren’t looking.
In any case, now that I host Thanksgiving, I have no intention of ever eating the Pope’s Nose, which seems to me the least desirable element on an otherwise tasty carcass.
And that’s why I think the Pope’s Nose makes such a perfect award for the worst fantasy football performances of this season.
I’ve chosen a player at every position who I think so far, through Week 11, has embodied the worst possible return on his original draft position:
Posted on November 25, 2009
By Jim Coffman
I have a friend who loves Soldier Field as currently constituted. He loves the way it looks, the way it sounds, the way the setting sun creates a warm, reflective glow in the eastern stands as a November afternoon turns to evening (okay, that’s a bit of a stretch). Actually what he really loves is that it is a comfortable, convenient place for him to watch a game – approximately 100 times more so than it was before the renovation was completed in 2003. He remembers the last game he attended at the old Soldier Field – a playoff loss to, coincidentally enough, the Philadelphia Eagles in 2001. That game was marked by a huge halftime surge to the toilets (even more so than usual perhaps because it was the post-season). After a while (as the 10-minute halftime drew to a close), scores of male Bears fans in that part of the stadium decided they couldn’t wait any longer to relieve themselves at the woefully lacking facilities (mostly overmatched Port-o-Potties). The resulting mass wall-piss created what could only be described as a river of urine flowing down the ramps leading out of the place. Ah, yes, the good old days – although it must be said that golden phenomenon was a fitting metaphor for the Bears’ play, both in that specific playoff game and during so many other Chicago football fiascos.
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So in my friend Jon’s honor (he is a good guy, a great meteorologist . . . and he has almost perfect season tickets), I will start this column with neither snarky snippets nor a broad architectural critique (as if I could muster such a thing) about that big, wacky place the Bears call home. “Wacky” is alright isn’t it? It’s kind of fun, kind of crazy and it is definitely the best I can do.
Sunday evening, after all, was my once every year or two pilgrimage to the actual site where the team that has forever been my fall obsession plays its home games. And so I had a chance to yet again contemplate the stadium in question and to note that . . . wait, don’t go there. The place is undeniably so much better than it used to be for the most important constituency (and no, that’s not you Mr. Architecture Critic). We were able to get in and out smoothly thanks to cabs (we both live on the North Side) that dropped us off and then picked us up on Columbus Drive, a little more than a mile north of the Field. Although be careful where you try to pick up a cab over there. Cops on ATVs were patrolling areas where cabs aren’t supposed to stop, ready to crack down on miscreants who dared defy fencing put in place to try to force fans to wait to hop in their ride until they are a suitable distance away.
Like I noted earlier, we sat in great seats but the percentage of seats at Soldier Field that can be classified as at least “good” is remarkably high. It seems like there are an incredible number of luxury suites (the stadium overall seats 61,500, the lowest capacity in the league – I wonder where it ranks in total number of suites). But perhaps that makes it more economically viable to be so much smaller (and comfortable) than so many of the huge football bowls (with tens of thousands of not-good seats) that dot the land. Anyway, we had decent beer (Honkers) and decent food (Italian beef) nearby and besides the ever-mysterious “there’s a timeout – where – on the field – awww” thing that has to be one of the stupidest rituals in the history of spectator sport, the extra-curricular entertainment was solid (hey Bears, how about more of the drill team, not just little snippets before the game and at the start of the second half). In particular I cannot get enough of the digital scoreboard clip of the bear squishing the dear, departed John Candy under a door. I vote that alternating timeouts be filled with John Candy clips (culminating with the bear on the door) and the drill team. Who’s with me?
Posted on November 23, 2009
By Eric Emery
I highly recommend Bears fans employ the following tactics to get Lovie Smith and his staff fired:
1. Increase the number of cleverly named websites devoted to running Smith & Co. out of town.
This area needs significant help. I’ve found “fireloviesmith.com” and “fireronturner.net.” Two websites will not get the job done. Here are some recommendations to get you started:
* “sendlovietodetroit.com”
* “blagofordacoach.com”
* “barackchangethedacoachforus.com”
* “lovieforonewayticketoutofhere.com”
* “bringbackwannstedt.com”
* “yourmommashouldcoachthebears.com”
* “pwnlovie.com” (photoshop Lovie’s face on passed out people)
* “loviewipethatfuckingstupidlookoffyourface.com”
* “turnerspicsoflovie.com” (pics of Lovie that explain why Turner is still employed)
* “corpseofhalasforcoach.com”
* “ditkaforcoach.com”
* “postresumeforfuturebearsjob.com”
Posted on November 23, 2009
By George Ofman
Try putting yourself in the Bears shoes. Why would you want to talk to Bob Costas? Why would you want him to grill Jerry Angelo on the warts of his football organization? Why would you want him to probe Lovie Smith about some of the decisions he’s made? Why would you want him to have access to Jay Cutler only to undress him about all those interceptions?
Can you blame the Bears for being arrogant and stupid?
Yes!
Posted on November 20, 2009
By Thomas Chambers
America has an obsession with awards.
I’ve always thought the Hollywood people stepping all over each other to win the three dozen or so different awards they bestow upon themselves was quite unseemly. Yet, they still can’t get it right.
Jackie Gleason never won an Emmy, one of the most heinous crimes in the annals of showbiz. Andy Griffith never won an Emmy for The Andy Griffith Show! More recently, Jason Alexander never won an Emmy for Seinfeld. Unbelievable. Was the Academy just doing the opposite?
Posted on November 20, 2009
By Eric Emery
This week, the Bears return to what was their happy home. After losing in yet another creative way, Soldier Field will feel like a home – a home that is on the brink of a bitter divorce. Here, Bears fans will split, warming up their baseball rivalries for the 2010 season.
I caution Bears fans to stick together by attacking the real problem: the Chicago Bears. Frankly, the Bears fans’ effort has been downright disappointing. Sure, some made posts to forums and friends’ Facebook pages (which were totally entertaining!), but if you really want change, you have to make it happen. Let’s face it, voting for change but doing nothing about it is so 2008.
Posted on November 20, 2009
By Dan O’Shea
NFL coaches have had a tough year, and I’m not just talking about the assistant who was allegedly beaten and threatened by his own head coach in Oakland. Of course, here in Chicago, there’s poor Lovie Smith and his embarrassing lack of facial expressions – he’s only got that one open-mouthed, dumb-founded languorous look that TV cameras tend to dwell upon.
Meanwhile, it seems like a larger number of coaches than usual may be on the firing line this off-season, with former Bears coach Dick Jauron already a goner in Buffalo. Even the good coaches are seeing their decisions questioned. This past Sunday night, New England’s Bill Belichick, the coach who formerly could do no wrong, was lambasted for going for it on fourth down and short yardage deep in his own territory with little time left, up by less than a touchdown, and with a guy named Peyton Manning leading the other team’s offense. The Patriots didn’t make the first down, and lost. The move was pure Belichick: A first down would have won the game, and to punt it was to unquestionably put it in the hands of the best quarterback of the decade (sorry, Tom Brady) and possibly this year’s MVP (that would be Manning). A gutsy move, and I liked it.
Posted on November 19, 2009
By Mike Luce
A note to our readers: first, our apologies for the late release of this week’s review; and second, we will use the terms Football Championship Subdivision (FCS) and Division I-AA interchangeably from this point forward. The same goes for Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) and Division I-A. We have complained about this cosmetic change to the long-standing I-A/I-AA naming convention before, and now we’ll choose to ignore it as we see fit. So there.
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The College Football Report would like to give a hand to some programs across the land that became bowl eligible with a win on Saturday. While no one has been speculating about Southern Methodist’s role in the national championship race, or how the Kentucky Wildcats could be a BCS darkhorse, both still deserve some recognition. This week, we will take a break from reviewing the exploits of big-name programs in favor of celebrating the little guy. Or at least the not-so-big guy.
Note that not all of these teams will automatically play in a post-season bowl, although the odds are good. Most BCS conferences have at least six bowl tie-ins and some (the SEC, for example) have as many as nine. (This does not mean that the SEC sends nine teams to bowl games every season but instead that up to nine bowls will invite a team from the conference should that many be bowl eligible.)
All the same, six is usually the magic number. Only four teams (Arkansas State, Bowling Green, Louisiana-Lafayette and San Jose State, all at 6-6) finished with six wins and remained home at the end of the regular season last year. At least one team (6-5 Kansas State, with two Ws against FCS schools) already has six wins in 2009 but must record at least seven for eligibility – teams from the former Division I-A can only count one win against I-AA programs toward their total. I’m not bothered by this rule. Let’s face it – the Iowa States of the world need a little help padding the win total, but piling on Ws against Directional Creampuffs seems a bit unfair.
So today, we tip our hat to:
Posted on November 18, 2009
By George Ofman
It’s time to send in the clowns, elephants and jugglers. It’s also time to send the Bulls on a trip only a magician can envy. You see, ever since Michael Jordan left for more golf and less work, the Bulls have usually disappeared from the win column during their lengthy November sojourn known as the Circus Trip.
As Ringling Bros. takes over the United Center, the Bulls tend to fall off their high-wire act. Matter of fact, since the 1999-2000 season, the Bulls have become steady bedfellows with futility on their circus tours. They went five straight years without winning a single game on the trip until winning for the first time in 39 tries in Utah on Wednesday, November 24, 2004. Thanksgiving turkey never tasted as good.
Posted on November 18, 2009
