By Mike Luce
Have we all recovered from the Turkey Day festivities? Are we up or down? I’m not talking weight or waistlines here, people. How’s your portfolio, if you will? Take stock now, because the season will be over before you can say “Troy-Bilt Chipper/Shredder Bowl.”
Here at the College Football Report, we dabbled over the Thanksgiving holiday with a bit of cranberry sauce (not our traditional favorite), moderate alcohol intake (not something we’re known for – the moderate part – and note, we had limited success) and NFL wagering (for entertainment purposes only, of course).

SportsFriday: What Mister Ed Said: TrackNotes How you’ll know the Bears have reached rock bottom: The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

Well, you might say we more than dabbled in the latter. Who here hit a three-game parlay on Thanksgiving? That’s right, you heard us.
Now, let’s get down to business. As the college football season draws to a close, we’re altering our publishing schedule a bit. From here on out, we’ll have one column every Friday instead of the heretofore Tuesday-Thursday combo. We recognize that we’ll have to pack two columns’ worth of insight, dry humor, and obscure references into 2,000 words (give or take.) But we can do it. We have faith.
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Week 14 marks the start of college football’s second season – and no, we don’t mean the conference championships. Layoff Season begins this week. (For now, let’s consider the year split up into the following parts: Creampuff Season, Conference Season, Layoff Season, Also-Ran Bowls, Vaguely Interesting Bowls, Legitimately Intriguing Bowls, the BCS Games, and Bowls You Didn’t Know About Because They Come After the BCS Championship. Clear? Good.) Because every other college football column will use it, let’s just go ahead and get it out of the way – the coaching carousel is spinning. There, we said it.
Most teams wrapped up the regular last week, and will now feel free to cut free some dead weight. The Notre Dame program, for example, is looking about 400 pounds lighter nowadays. We observed a weighty moment of silence last week for the passing of Coach Weis. See you in the buffet line, Charlie.
Now let’s do our best Frank Costello impersonation and leave a card for the rest of the dearly departed.

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Posted on December 4, 2009

By Eric Emery
In past few weeks, more than one friend has said to me, “It must be fun writing the Kool-Aid Report this year.”
Actually, it’s not that much fun.
It’s more fun when the Bears get dominated in a Super Bowl or they crap themselves in Week 17 and miss the playoffs. It doesn’t feel rewarding to make fun of a team this close to hitting rock bottom.
And if the Bears lose to the Rams this week, rock bottom will be reached. Even I don’t think the Bears are that bad. But even if they beat the Rams keep your eyes out for these other signs that rock bottom has been found.

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Posted on December 4, 2009

By Thomas Chambers

If you really analyze it, Mister Ed did not get along with Wilbur Post. He barely suffered the architect, and it was usually with good reason. Wilbur was pretty thin in the brains department and never let Ed have any fun.
I’m not sure who besides us mucking horseplayers care whether Rachel Alexandra or Zenyatta is named horse of the year in the Eclipse Award voting for 2009, but I’m willing to predict that this story may spill at least a little bit into the mainstream media. I would love to hear what Zenyatta and Rachel think about the whole thing, and I bet it would center around something like “Let’s race, and find out who’s better.”
But as John Wayne once famously said, this thing is getting ri-goddamn-diculous.

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Posted on December 4, 2009

By George Ofman
So much has been said and written about Tiger Woods the last several days. But more should be discussed about the raving maniac who plays for the defending world champions.
Ron Artest is nuts. Very nuts. And dangerous. And he needs to be scolded. Seriously scolded.
I’ve had enough of Tiger for one week so let’s move onto to this unbalanced act who actually still plays for the Los Angeles Lakers. Comparisons to Dennis Rodman are acceptable but only after a swig of Hennessy.

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Posted on December 3, 2009

By Dan O’Shea
The fantasy football season is down, with Week 13 of the NFL season the final week before playoffs begin in most fantasy leagues. If you’re on the bubble, is there anyone you can pick up at this late stage to help you make that last-minute push?
You might be tempted to go for whoever is still available from the NFL’s two unbeaten teams, New Orleans and Indianapolis. The problem there, however, is that those teams do such a good job of spreading the ball around that any wide receivers, running backs and tight ends still available on the waiver wire are not likely to get more than a few touches to do something worthwhile.
A better play is to follow the injuries to key players throughout the league – of which there have been many in the last couple of weeks – and figure out who’s in line to benefit. Bewared, though, that this can also be risky if a team changes its game plan after an injury to a starter at a key position. Here are a few players in our Fantasy Fix Action Ratings system that are likely to be hot Week 13 pick-ups.

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Posted on December 2, 2009

By The Beachwood Island Affairs Desk
Lovie Smith vs. Lovie Howell.
Lovie Smith: Lost at sea on six-game schedule.
Lovie Howell: Lost at sea on seven-hour cruise.
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Lovie Smith: Gets off the bus running.
Lovie Howell: Gets out of her limo shopping.
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Lovie Smith: Every week is another horrible showing.
Lovie Howell: Every week is another horrible show.

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Posted on December 1, 2009

By Jim Coffman
So many lowlights to choose from, so little inclination to spend a ton of time breaking down another typically crushing Bears loss – but break it down I shall.
Bears bubble screens must die. Hey Ron Turner, it was clear in the Philadelphia game that other teams have figured these plays out. Your team lines up two receivers out wide to the same side, they don’t immediately rush out into a pattern and opposing defensive backs crash in and take guys down for losses no matter how quickly Jay Cutler gets the ball out there. And I know it was Devin Hester catching these little disasters against the Eagles and Earl Bennett who made the catch and lost several yards in the first offensive series versus the Vikings Sunday, but that wasn’t enough of a change now was it?

Ofman: Wrong about Favre

Instead, after linebacker Hunter Hillenmeyer ended the first Minnesota possession by standing up running back Adrian Peterson and then beautifully stripping the ball, the inept offense couldn’t give the ball back to the home team quickly enough. And then Brad Maynard shanked the punt, so the Bears didn’t even enjoy a significant field position shift. Yikes.

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Posted on November 30, 2009

By George Ofman
Okay, I admit it. I was wrong. I wrote it right here back in August. “Maybe he’ll get his revenge against Green Bay but he’ll never get a chance against the Bears. That’s because Favre will be a non-factor by then. He’ll have been sacked into another retirement; his right arm will fall off into one of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes or his teammates will offer him a road map back to Mississippi.”
Oh was I wrong.
Not only is Farve’s arm intact, he is my pick for the league’s most valuable player.
And the road map could lead to Miami and another Super Bowl.

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Posted on November 30, 2009

By George Ofman
Hope you didn’t fall asleep after stuffing yourself with stuffing, and a little bit of turkey. Speaking of turkeys, who devised the rumor that Mike Martz would love to coach Jay Cutler? Didn’t he criticize his play earlier in the season and wasn’t he fired by then Lions coach Rod Marinelli, who happens to be underperforming as the Bears defensive line coach? Even Martz said of the rumor “Somebody is making this crap up.” Don’t serve this with yams.
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Ron Turner appeared oblivious to the rumors he might be out at the end of the season, claiming he’s only concentrating on the Vikings. Here’s something else to concentrate on; resumes.
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It wasn’t all that long ago the Blackhawks were as moribund a franchise as there was in sports. So look at them now. They had won eight straight games heading into today’s matinee at Anaheim. They’re near the top of the league in points, the fans are not only back but delirious and the franchise is worth 26 percent more than a year ago. All they need to do before the playoffs is stay health and keep a watchful eye on Cristobal Huet.

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Posted on November 27, 2009

By Mike Luce
This week, the College Football Report celebrates Thanksgiving with a special double issue. While you sit at your desk for one more day or recline on the couch later in the week, we expect you will have at about twice as much time for CFR as normal. Provided you can free up a few minutes in between jobs on Mafia Wars.

PLUS: Saving Jay Cutler The Pope’s Nose Awards

In addition to busting at our digital seams with added content, we also would like to take a moment to express our thanks. We love college football. We love talking about (for entertainment purposes only) gambling on college football. So, thank you, college football. What would our Saturdays (and Thursdays, and sometimes Wednesdays and Fridays) be without you? In particular, we would like to thank the following . . .

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Posted on November 25, 2009