By Marty Gangler

After the tremendous pounding that the Cubs took after Saturday’s game – when they lost 12-0 – good ol’ Uncle Lou said “we’ve tried everything” No they haven’t. We here at the Cub Factor have a few additional suggestions for Lou:
* Fire yourself. You can say it’s for health reasons.
* Listen to Steve Stone from the get-go; if you did, Tyler Colvin would have been starting long ago, Carlos Zambrano never would have been sent to the bullpen, and Andrew Cashner would have broken camp in the Cubs bullpen, among other things.
* Stop demoting .300 hitters to make room for rookies brought in from the minors; that’s what you did to Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot. Now second base is a mess.
* Stop using pitchers as pinch-hitters. It’s not cute anymore.
* Move your veterans out of the middle of the lineup when they go into prolonged slumps. If their feelings are hurt, send them to the club psychiatrist.
* Stop acting like a damn dummy or you’ll be one.
* Make the players do shots of Moises Alou’s urine every time they commit an error. There’s still a case of it in Storage Room B.
* Fire Jim Hendry. You can always make it look like an accident.

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Posted on June 21, 2010

By Andrew Reilly

Of course they go on a tear during interleague play against the last-place Pirates (ha!) and last-place Nationals (double ha!).
And of course the talk now is that the Sox are turning things around, that they’re right back in it, that the pieces are coming together to start the drive for grind/grinder/grit/2005, because why would anyone think otherwise? Why wouldn’t the Nationals engaging the Sox in a pair of pitchers’ duels suggest greatness? Why wouldn’t toppling the Pirates be an indicator of a World Series parade to come?
They don’t, and really this couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Now management doesn’t have to break up the team and plan for the future because, the Sox “are built to contend, as shown by this stretch of baseball,” or whatever it is the front office and the idiots calling in to The Score have to say about it. No one has to make any difficult decisions about moving beloved veterans; no one has to worry just yet about the dip in that sweet, sweet t-shirt revenue; no one has to think of the ramifications that simple baseball logic would have on attendance. Some of us might be happy about this; most of us, those of us who care, anyway, are not.

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Posted on June 21, 2010

By The Beachwood Socceroos Affairs Desk

1. America’s new enemies duel in a game with geo-political implications.

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Posted on June 18, 2010

We imagine a crosstown confabulation.
SOX: Lou sends Buehrle to the bullpen to be the 8th inning guy.
CUBS: Ozzie throws Jim Hendry under the bus – literally.
SOX: Now employ the greatest manager of all time according to Sox play-by-play man Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson.
CUBS: Now employ the greatest manager of all time according to Sox play-by-play man Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson.
SOX: Lou moves Gordon Beckham back to third base.
CUBS: Ozzie moves Aramis Ramirez back to the Dominican Republic.
SOX: Lou benches Carlos Quentin and moves Paul Konerko to the eighth spot, then has injured third baseman Mark Teahen in right field and batting cleanup.
CUBS: Ozzie handcuffs Alfonso Soriano to a CTA bench to ensure playing time for Tyler Colvin.

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Posted on June 17, 2010

By Dan O’Shea

It’s time to talk about Vlad. The best bad-ball (really any ball, anywhere, anytime) hitter this side of Manny Ramirez appeared headed for the trash heap after a 15 HR, 50 RBI, sub-.300 season in 2009. He turned 35 in the off-season and was a free agent looking for work.
But the first clue that he might be due for a comeback season was when he signed to be part of the power-packed Texas Rangers lineup, playing half its games in a park perfectly built for an aging slugger’s fading skills.
Still, at fantasy draft time, he was turning up mostly as a late-round pick at best (In one league, he was my last-round pick). His value was softened not only by his age and last year’s results, but by his dead-end position eligibility – UTIL, the DH’s cross to bear.
Instead of rolling over, however, he has become one of this season’s biggest stars, the fourth-ranked player in Yahoo! fantasy leagues.

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Posted on June 16, 2010

By Jim Coffman

And to cap it all off, Patrick Sharp slid into second and Duncan Keith called him safe.
At least that could have been what happened as the last of the Blackhawks left the infield Sunday. I saw them over by the bag out of the corner of my eye after I’d been watching Paul Konerko shaking all the Blackhawks’ hands as well as the hands of anyone else wearing red who filed past him down the right field line as the organ-i-zation exited the field.
It all capped off a glorious pre-game ceremony at Wrigley that I had the great good fortune to view from my customary perch in the upper deck reserved.
It must be said the Joel Quenneville’s first pitch arched high in the air and came up well short – in other words, it was lame. And so was Jonathan Toews giving the ball to Quenneville for the pitch rather than just heaving it himself.
On the other hand, it was perfect that the Cubs’ leading hockey fan, British Columbia native Ryan Dempster, caught the one-hop toss, took the ball out to the mound and traded it for his chance to hoist the Stanley Cup. A few minutes earlier, man did that Cup look cool when the Hawks put it in the middle of the pitcher’s mound.

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Posted on June 14, 2010

Andrew Reilly is on special assignment in search of Brian Anderson. He returns next week.
You’ll know Ozzie Guillen is on the way out the door once he starts complaining about Steve Stone.
Until then, Kenny Williams is the one on the clock. Following in Jim Hendry’s footsteps and bringing in recognizable journeymen and former stars isn’t working. And neither is letting the manager make the roster.
And let us ask something: What is it about working for Jerry Reinsdorf . . . ?

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Posted on June 14, 2010

By Marty Gangler

You know a Cubs manager has had enough and is out the door when he starts whining about Steve Stone – who is almost always right. Lou Piniella is just the latest in a long line of baseball men who went up against the weight of Cubs history and the dysfunction of the organization and has come out on the losing end.

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Posted on June 14, 2010

By The Beachwood BP Disaster Response Affairs Desk

The jokes (almost) write themselves.
* The first 10,000 youngsters in the park receive dark brown bobbleheads of Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot.
* The first 10,000 fans receive BP/Cubbie tarballs.
* The Cup goes to the team with the leakiest bullpen.
* Instead of All-Star balloting, fans will be given a ballot to choose biggest disaster: the Cubs roster, the White Sox roster or the leaking oil well.
* Carlos Silva and Bobby Jenks compete to see who can sit on oil well first to stop the leak.
* Jokester BP reps coat the Crosstown Trophy with oil so the trophy slips out of winning team’s hands. BP reps yell “Gotcha!”

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Posted on June 11, 2010

By Thomas Chambers

The Rule of Three is sacred in comedy. But what happens when you get three disparate punchlines?
With the 2010 Triple Crown series now complete, you tend to assess the terrain, glimpse into the months ahead as we wish for Whitney and Travers and Jockey Club Gold Cup heroics this summer in the race to the Breeders’ Cup.
I can’t complain. I did reasonably well in the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness Stakes and last Saturday’s Belmont Stakes.

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Posted on June 11, 2010