By Marty Gangler

If the 2011 Cubs season was a hand of hold ’em poker, you would have to say that Mike Quade was dealt a 9-4 off-suit.
For you people who don’t know poker, that is a lousy two-card hand.
Not as bad as, say, the Astros’ 7-2 off-suit, but a 9-4 is pretty bad. No matter what five community cards are on the table, it’s hard to make something out of 9-4 off-suit.
But in poker, as in life, as in baseball, there are always more than just the cards you are dealt. You have to play your hand and get creative with your bets, checks, calls, etc.
I mean, sure you can be happy just to be playing cards for a living seeing as how most schleps are breaking their backs for a paycheck or slowly killing themselves in a cube somewhere, but you are playing for high stakes and can’t just be happy to be there because you’ll get pantsed. And there are, unfortunately, no cash awards given to the nicest player at the table. If anything being the nicest guy at the poker table shows that you lack a killer instinct, a full understanding of what you are dealing with, or a poker face – which in poker is kind of important.
So yeah, I’m talking about my once-loved (by me) manager Mike Quade. There is nothing wrong with being a good guy and believing in your players, but you have to know that when you are holding a 9-4 off-suit in a big pot, Albert Pujols is calling your bluff, your table presence is for shit and big Al came to play some cards.

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Posted on June 6, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

Who is the most disappointing Cub so far? I mean, there are so many to choose from.
– Dan M, Des Moines IA
That’s a hard question to answer, but thanks to this exclusive video from inside the Cubs clubhouse of his recent visit, we now know how Kurgan would answer that question.
What metaphorical crime would you compare the 2011 season to?
-Clancy W, Springfield IL
There’s nothing metaphorical about the holes I’ve punched in my drywall to this point or my various stud-related knuckle injuries.
The 2011 season is an acquaintance breaking into your home with the intention of robbing you and failing, but successfully suing you after suffering an injury slipping on one of your kid’s roller skates.

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Posted on June 2, 2011

By Dan O’Shea

If your fantasy baseball team is in second or third place as we move into June, then you have plenty to be happy about. But, there’s another way to look at it: Why aren’t you in first place? Is the first place team that much better, or is your team, hobbled by one or two troubling stat categories, just not winning by large enough margins?
If you have a player you have been wanting to drop, or have someone you can stash on the DL to free a roster spot, now’s the time to act. Here’s a bit of potential help for whatever stat is ailing:

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Posted on June 1, 2011

By Jim Coffman

Within an inning of my 12-year-old son’s and my arrival at our upper deck reserved seats a couple innings into the much-delayed Cubs game Sunday versus the Pirates, the drunk sitting behind me had unleashed a stream of foul language. My son heard some of it, including the identification of someone as a fucking retard, but I’m hopeful he was distracted a little later on when the guy capped off another delightful comment with a racial epithet.
Then again, it wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world if it registered. My son and I have had some good chats the last few years after encountering guys like this during summers in the city and noting how idiotic they sound when they over-indulge this way. I’m hoping if we hear this sort of unavoidable (if you want to attend big, popular events) profanity and worse while we’re together and then talk about it at least a little, there’s a chance he’ll learn some negative lessons, i.e., ones in how not to act.

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Posted on May 31, 2011

By Marty Gangler

In the not-too-distant future, say 2018, Cubs fans will look back at the season currently in progress and say, “That team sure got decimated with injuries in 2011. Pass me that turkey sandwich pill.”
Because surely turkey sandwiches will come in pill form by then.
Cyanide already does. Maybe we could kill this season now and get a head start on next year’s embarrassment.

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Posted on May 31, 2011

By Roger Wallenstein

Forget what the calendar says; summer begins on Memorial Day. If you had doubts, venturing outdoors yesterday morning was all you needed to do. No fog. No wind off the lake. Welcome back heat and humidity! The chill was gone.
So are Memorial Day doubleheaders, which in the White Sox case is probably a good thing. Losing one game a day is depressing enough. Dropping a twinbill could require medication.
Years ago, doubleheaders usually drew higher-than-average crowds, and that’s why they were scheduled. In fact, the largest crowd ever at Comiskey Park – 55,555 – jammed the place for a Sunday doubleheader against the Twins on May 20, 1973.
MLB hasn’t scheduled a doubleheader since 1996 in Minnesota. The split twinbill or day-night doubleheaders of today are the result of make-up games due to lousy weather.
Looking back, the Sunday and holiday doubleheaders that were regular fare on the schedule consumed six or seven hours and brought out unique behavior both on and off the field.

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Posted on May 31, 2011

By Dmitry Samarov

The ball bounced off the turf and hit Gordon Beckham in the face. It’s been that kind of roadtrip for the Sox. The team’s been pretty brutal in the field for much of the season, but Beckham had been sure-handed ’til that fateful bounce. Mired in a season-long hitting slump, his defense hasn’t suffered, but seeing him being helped off the field, covering his face, said much of what this season has been like.

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Posted on May 31, 2011

LeBron Schools Rose

“With two defenders on him, Derrick Rose launched a desperation three-point shot with 1.5 seconds left,” Mike Dodd writes for USA Today. “It was an air ball.”
Again?
“The last moments summed up the Chicago Bulls’ play in the fourth quarter of their final four games as they squandered a 12-point lead in the last three-plus minutes to fall to the Miami Heat 83-80, losing the Eastern Conference finals in Game 5.”

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Posted on May 27, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

I’m getting tired of hearing “Go Cubs Go” after wins at home. Got any suggestions for winning Cubs theme songs?
-Eddie V, Seattle WA
You’re tired of it after having heard it just 10 times this year?

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Posted on May 26, 2011

On Brink Of Elimination

“The youngest MVP in the history of the NBA missed a free-throw with 1.10 seconds to play which would have given the Bulls a point lead before spurning two more chances to level the series in the final minute,” the London Evening Standard reports.
“[A] distraught Rose, 22, acknowledged the fact that he had let his team down.
“Tonight it was definitely on me,” said Rose who scored 23 points on the night. “I had great opportunities to end the game and I couldn’t do it. It was my fault but I will learn from it.
“If you want to be great you need to want pressure. It was a tough night and they played great defense but you need to find a way to finish the game off in the fourth quarter when we have a lead.”

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Posted on May 25, 2011