By Eric Emery
Obama called for Americans to be responsible. Are we? Here’s what I know. About two weeks ago, Time had a special advertising section about responsibility. Liberty Mutual has some tag line about responsibility. NBC got into the act last week where the dude who plays Kenneth on 30 Rock had an animated short about responsibility. To answer my question, I’m not sure if Americans are more responsible, but there sure is an opportunity to make money on it.
Making money isn’t lost on the NFL.The following are some of the upcoming changes to capitalize on the responsibility craze:
* All cheerleaders are to wear comfortable boots, thick tops, and insulated hats with the silly flaps over the ears. Everybody knows that humans lose most of their heat through the feet, torso, and head.
* When a running back fakes a defensive player to perfection, the running back is to pick up the defensive player’s jock so nobody trips on it later.
* To prevent hearing loss, NFL referees are to use dog whistles.
* Plaxico Burress’ gun will be replaced with a toy gun that shoots confetti.
* To help protect QBs, defensive players are allowed to hit QBs in any area above the belt, but below the belly button.
* All TV announcers are to use supportive words like “good try,” “nice effort,” and “keep your chin up” while speaking as if they are talking to a newborn.
* All fields will be replaced by recycled Styrofoam peanut turf.
* All players get a treat of their choice after the game.
* Weights in the weight room replaced with comfy, fluffy pillows.
* Fans pay $5 for parking, $3 for beers, and $1.50 for hot dogs.
* Frame Matt Forte for a DUI, release him, and have Forte become a starting RB on a different team (a.k.a. The Cedric Benson Hoax).
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Cardinals at Giants
Storyline: Both QBs are super nice, but only one QB has an attractive wife.
Reality: When in doubt, pick the hot chick.
Prediction: Giants Minus 7 Points, Over 46 Points Scored
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Atlanta at Cowboys
Storyline: Nobody knows about the attractiveness of Falcons’ Matt Ryan’s significant other, but Romo dated a super hot gal who cursed him.
Reality: When in doubt, bet against the bad luck charm even if she isn’t around. All the bleach the world never removes the stain.
Prediction: Falcons Plus 4 Points, Under 47.5 Points Scored
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Last week: 3-1
Overall: 11-9
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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 22, 2009