By Eric Emery
In last week’s Kool-Aid Report, I predicted that Bears fans would reach their highest emotional point of well-being after the Lions game. As predicted, the Bears crushed the Lions. Due to recent hard times for Chicago’s sports teams, though, fans have been a bit rusty in the art of making the “happy sports radio call.” We’re here to help.
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Step One: Go directly into something intelligible related to your favorite team.
Good: OHMYGOSHWEFNRULE!!!!!
Bad: IWASSOINSPIREDBYLASTWEEKSPRESIDENTIALDEBATE!!!!!!!
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Step Two: Don’t ask hosts how they are doing. They’re on the phone with you (bad), but the only thing that makes their day tolerable is that their team won too. So they’re grateful that their day will not totally suck, despite talking to you.
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Step Three: Present a topic sentence. Make it as unrealistic as possible.
Good: With a few breaks, this team has a shot at a first-round playoff bye.
Better: This team shows signs of the talent within the 1985 Bears.
Best: This team dominates the 1985 Bears and then sends the 1985 Bears to bed without dinner, because the 1985 Bears stink in comparison.
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Step Four: Show no stamina. Even fellow fans hate the long-winded braggart (See: Democrats and John Kerry and Al Gore). Plus, you want to bail before a friend recognizes your voice and asks you why you would ever speak badly about the 1985 Bears.
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Step Five: Say, “I have to go because” . . . a) I’m at a friend’s house and we’re going to slaughter a baby calf to a pagan god to keep this streak going b) William Shatner is here to help me negotiate my Priceline ticket to Tampa Bay or c) I need to call my brother-in-law to say his team stinks.
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Step Six: Never say “I’ll hang up and listen to your answer” because you’ve provided the answer: Your team rules.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Patriots at Chargers
Storyline: This game has an abundance of gates: “Spy-Gate,” “L.T. Sour Grapes-Gate.” Antonio Gates. We have gates, people. Gates. You know, this isn’t your father’s gate anymore.
Reality: The only thing stopping the Chargers from winning is the Chargers. Anger motivates for the first quarter, and then Norv Turner will bring a new word to our vernacular: “Blank look in the face of a disappearing lead”-gate.
Prediction: New England Plus 6, Under 47 Points Scored
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Cowboys at Cardinals
Storyline: Arizona has a winning record. Seriously, they do. I know what you are thinking. They really don’t stink. But enough about Arizona. Let’s talk about Tony Romo and how dreamy he is.
Reality: Still not over it.
Prediction: Dallas Minus 6.5 Points, Over 48.5 Points Scored
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Last week’s picks: 5-1
For the season: 11-4-3
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. He also is a spark plug in floor hockey. You can reach him here.
Posted on October 9, 2008