By Eric Emery
Americans are united about one thing these days: Our government stinks. Since few agree on how to make our economy better, perhaps our representation needs an easier and a less important arena to manage – the NFL. Here some of the important questions facing the NFL and answers we might receive in return from our politicians.
* Raiders owner Al Davis reportedly interviewed replacements for head coach Lane Kiffin before he actually fired him on Tuesday. Should the league interview replacements for Davis before stepping in and bailing out the franchise and selling it as a distressed asset?
* How should Republican team owners react to her future proposals after Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says this: “The other 31 owners need to work together to find a solution to this problem. Together, strong cooperation results in a stronger league. It’s much like the strong cooperation within the House of Representatives, except for the eight years of Republican rule that have allowed greed to compromise the strength of America. In fact, Republicans have done more to ruin America and the NFL than Al Davis will in 242 lifetimes.”
* In the wake of the brutal helmet-to-helmet hit put on Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin last week, questions are once again being asked about player safety. Which subcommittee should the NFL send this issue to in order to most properly bury it?
* Does this statement by Sarah Palin qualify her to be NFL commissioner: “While Governor of Alaska, we led America in player safety. We had helmets for every football player in the state. In fact, I’ve actually held a helmet, and they have soft material in them. But to really make players safe, we need rules. These rules need to be looked at for the players’ benefit. And we need to look at the number of players on the field at one time. And officials. Don’t forget the fans. It’s all about Main Street.”
* Because the Pittsburgh Steelers ownership has ties to legal gambling enterprises, the NFL is pushing for a change in ownership. Which lobbyists should the Steelers hire to either reverse the league’s position or find the tax loopholes that promise the most profit under such a deal?
* Is John McCain a maverick or just a tempestuous prick when he says this: “Since 9/11, the world of the NFL changed. And we’ll let the gamblers win if we tell them exactly when the Steelers will change ownership. Therefore, the NFL needs to invade the Steelers’ offices and change ownership immediately.”
* Is Barack Obama being a good sport when he says this, or should he be fined by the other owners: “It’s all George W. Bush’s fault. Because, you know, blaming everything on the other party is change.”
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Steelers at Jaguars
Storyline: Just because two teams play in different divisions doesn’t mean they don’t hate each other. Hate makes for good football.
Reality: Did you watch Monday Night Football? If so, you realized the Steelers were two plays away from sinking Heinz Field into the Monongahela River. Oh no! The earth is moving! Good thing the Steelers are on the road, so no fans will be hurt.
Prediction;-Jacksonville Minus 3 Points, Over 37 Points Scored
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Redskins at Eagles
Storyline: Who do the Redskins think they are – the Cowboys? Don’t they know that they’re an average team at best? NFL parity stinks. Philadelphia is much too angry to lose two in a row.
Reality: Washington is not great, but they are really fucking boring to watch. Run, run, run, short pass, punt, good defense, run, run, short pass . . . all of a sudden it’s the fourth quarter and they’re still in this thing.
Prediction: Washington Plus 6 Points, Under 42.5 Points Scored
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Last week’s picks: 4-2
For the season: 6-3-3
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.
Posted on October 2, 2008