By Eric Emery
After much meditation, I’ve discovered the source of my anger toward Tony Kornheiser’s Monday Night Football performances: He never states that he believes much of anything. He really states that “other people might say” something. In Week One, for example, he couldn’t stop looking for reasons why somebody might see shades of Brett Favre in Aaron Rodgers’ play. In Week Two, he harped on the inevitable Super Bowl victory of the Dallas Cowboys – as portrayed in newspaper headlines. Someone ought to call the authorities, because somebody stole all of Kornheiser’s original thoughts.
We here at Over/Under got to thinking about the Tony Kornheiser technique might work for an advice column. We call it “Ask Tony Kornheiser.”
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Dear Tony,
What should I say when my wife asks me if she looks fat in these pants?
It’s not your opinion she values, it’s the opinion of others. And you should respond in kind: “Honey, some might say the contents of those pants look like 150 pounds of chewed bubble gum in a potato sack,” but you could find others who disagree. In either case, I’m absolutely certain that Aaron Rodgers’ answer would remind you of Brett Favre’s answer.
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Dear Tony,
When I interviewed for my job 6 months ago, my future boss touted the company’s emphasis on “work-life balance.” From the first day, my boss continues to pile more work on me that I can realistically do everyday, and he sends e-mails asking me if certain work is done. Some days I spend more time answering the e-mails than actually doing the work he is asking about. All this leaves me frustrated and working until late into the evening. How do I communicate my displeasure to my bosswithout sounding lazy or unwilling to help?
I’ve heard others joke that “work-life balance” means you do the work and your boss gets a life! I wouldn’t say that’s the way it works around ESPN, but others might! No, seriously, it really does take a single-minded focus to achieve your goals, and that’s why a lot of folks think the Dallas Cowboys already have this year’s Super Bowl in their back pocket – unless Aaron Rodgers has something very Favre-like to say about that.
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Dear Tony,
My husband and I got married seven years ago. Unlike our siblings and friends, we delayed starting a family. In the past, our siblings and friends outright demanded that we visit them and they almost never visited us because we didn’t have a family. Since the birth of beautiful daughter, we cannot get them to leave. Worse yet, they invite their whole household, along with their children and viruses. I don’t want my daughter to catch anything that she cannot defend herself against. How do I set a boundaries that will be respected?
Perhaps you might say “It’s been said by many a person that your friends and family want you to have a child so you will feel just a miserable as they do. It’s probably because some couples have children to mask the lack of love they have for each other.” I’m pretty sure that’s what Aaron Rodgers said once. And he learned that by watching Brett Favre every day in practice.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Jets at Chargers
Storyline: No, seriously, we cannot stop talking about Brett Favre. Talking about Favre is worse than our dependence on foreign oil. San Diego got screwed last week, and they are more pissed than a jilted lover. Yes, you get all this, plus the hyperbole that comes with Monday Night Football.
Reality: I believe San Diego brings all bad things on themselves because Norv Turner coaches the team. Fortunately, the stars are on San Diego’s side. When I say stars, I mean one star: Brett Favre. Favre’s lack of energy will make his stardom collapse upon itself, imploding into a black hole of karma in which no luck can escape.
Prediction: San Diego Minus 7.5 Points, Over 43 Points Scored
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Jaguars at Colts
Storyline: Pre-season division contenders start the year looking up at Tennessee. Though it’s early, a loss for either team is nearly crippling. Knowing this, expect a well-played game by both teams.
Reality: Here’s the problem: Both teams’ offensive lines have more holes in it than the CTA’s service. Like the Blue Line, the game will start out slow. After a few adjustments, the train will move down that track and you will have a pleasant trip home, minus that weird guy in the corner giving you the stink eye.
Prediction: Jacksonville Plus 6, Over 41.5 Points Scored
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Last week’s picks: 2-1-3
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.
Posted on September 18, 2008