By Eric Emery
Every team enters the season with one goal: Win the Super Bowl. It’s much like the unrealistic expectations that parents have of their children. Picture Mom and Dad cooing over their child, believing that slightly strong grip means the little one is destined to become a linebacker or an Olympic gymnast. Unfortunately, when little Johnny learns to walk, he has a better chance of becoming a professional crash test dummy than a professional athlete.
After week one, it’s clear already, then, that some teams are doomed. That means millions of fans should use their time this fall doing something other than uselessly rooting on their teams. Here’s who.
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Team: St. Louis Rams
Week 1 Result: Lost by 35 points
Alternate Activities:
– Congratulate Cardinals on being the best team to not make the playoffs.
– Learn Belgium to accommodate the news owners of Anheuser-Bush.
– Send letters to the Arizona Cardinals begging for them to return.
– Use Google to discover that the Bowling Hall of Fame is in town; visit.
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Team: Oakland Raiders
Week 1 Result: Lost by 27 points
Alternate Activities:
– Sign petition to change city nickname from “Sunny Side of the Bay” to “That Crap Hole Across from San Francisco.”
– Get 21 friends together and re-enact the “Immaculate Reception,” but this time, have Franco Harris drop the pass.
– Present a “Key to the City of Oakland” to John Madden. Because all of these “keys” must be ridiculously huge, make the key 10-by-20 feet so it will actually look huge next to John Madden.
– Name major thoroughfare after Raiders owner Al Davis. Match the street according to Davis’ ability by selecting a street that has not been upgraded in the past 15 years.
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Team: Seattle Seahawks
Week 1 Result: Lost by 24 points
Alternate Activities:
– Watch Grey’s Anatomy and drink every time you see an injured Seahawk cast as an extra.
– Petition the city known as “The Gateway to Alaska” to make its mascot Sarah Seahawk. Apply lipstick.
– Petition Starbucks to buy the team. High ticket prices and yuppie buzz will make a crappy product seem fantastic, at least until the hype collapses on itself.
– Re-start Jim Zorn fan club.
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Team: Houston Texans
Week 1 Results: Lost by 19 points
Alternate Activities:
– Try to disqualify residents of Dallas from voting because they aren’t “real Texans,” as determined by the nickname of Houston’s football team.
– Get the Astrodome ready for the 20 people displaced from Hurricane Ike.
– Use the massive profits of the local oil producers and buy the NFL. Change name to National Texans’ League.
– Hire Barack Obama as coach based on his platform of hope and change. But make Dick Cheney the general manager ’cause he know the oil bidness – and he needs a new job.
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Over-Hyped Game of the Week: Patriots at Jets
Storyline: Hey, it’s Brett Favre! Look! Look! LOOK! Brett Favre never gets injured! Not like Tom Brady. Who is the starting QB at New England? Who? Matt Cassel? What? He hasn’t started since high school? Hurry, put the camera on Brett Favre! HURRY!
Reality: Sometimes when you carelessly throw the ball in the air, somebody on your team catches it for a touchdown. More often, it falls to the ground or it’s intercepted. Last I checked, Brady’s knee didn’t send the defense to injured reserve.
Prediction: New England Plus 3 Points, Under 39 Points
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Under-Hyped Game of the Week: Steelers at Browns
Storyline: AFC rivals meet in perhaps the penultimate battle to decide the division winner.
Reality: Cleveland started the year as the chic sleeper pick. Many forgot one thing about the Browns: They stink. Those who love scoring should watch this game. With New England and Indianapolis stirring doubt, the sports media needs new teams to drool over. Get your Steelers/Cowboys stock footage ready!
Prediction: Pittsburgh Minus 4, Over 46 Points Scored
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.
Posted on September 11, 2008