By Eric Emery
The Super Bowl is over. At this point, I have good news and bad news. The good news: The game lived up to the hype. The bad news: The game generated an incredible amount of post-game hype. Let’s take a look.
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Topic: Bill Belichick leaving the field with one second left.
Hype: What a poor sport! (“Maybe he wanted to beat traffic,” Eli Manning told David Letterman.)
Reality: He had to take an urgent phone call from John McCain about Super Tuesday strategy. Besides, if someone had told him there was actually one second left, he would’ve found a way to win the game.
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Topic:The undefeated season is ruined.
Hype: The whole season is a failure! They could not finish what they started!
Reality: Let me tell you something: American society is filled with things that remain unfinished. Here’s a quick list. The war on drugs, the war on poverty, the war on illiteracy, the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the war on terror, divorce rates, escalating medical costs, lowering greenhouse gas emissions, pervasive obesity, massive consumer debt, and loss of manufacturing jobs. Being 18-1 means the Patriots had a 95 percent winning percentage. Can the pundits – or you – say the same thing?
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Topic: The ubitquitous Mercury Morris.
Hype: Morris insufferably boasts that his 1972 Dolphins remains the greatest team in NFL history because they stand as the only team to go undefeated.
Reality: I cannot disagree with the hype. He’s really an arrogant, surly prick.
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Topic: Grading the commercials.
Hype: Wow! Did you see the Bud Light commercials? What about E-Trade? A few of them made me laugh!
Reality: Ever since Janet Jackson “accidentally” showed her boob, Super Bowl commercials have lost their edge. My solution? A commercial with the following to help put the entertainment back into Super Bowl advertising: A kick in the groin, exploding F-bombs, graphic sexual congress, a man getting his hairpiece ripped off, porn-star cleavage, porn stars, fat blunts, and a kick in the groin of George W. Bush. If that can’t all be accomplished, I’ll settle for the last one.
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Topic: Tom Petty’s workmanlike halftime show.
Hype: Borrrrrring! I could have listened to these songs on the radio! On at least three different stations per market!
Reality: The suits are simply giving you what you want. If the American public hates unoriginal entertainment, please explain the remakes of the following: American Gladiators, Knight Rider, Get Smart, The Bionic Woman, The Bad News Bears, The Longest Yard, Flash Gordon, Freaky Friday, King Kong, Hairspray, and Ocean’s Eleven. So listen to “American Girl” and like it.
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Topic: Tom Brady’s romance with Giselle Bundchen.
Hype: Maybe she put a “Jessica Hex” on Tom.
Reality: Doubtful. Tom Brady has been playing in front of hot girlfriends since he was 12. And she’s probably not even the hottest of ’em.
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on February 7, 2008