By Eric Emery
Much was made of Comcast not carrying the NFL Network, and in turn, Thursday night’s game. If you are among those who missed the game, you didn’t miss the worst two announcers in NFL history: Chris Collinsworth and Bryant Gumbel.
Announcer depth is extremely low in the NFL. If you refuse to pull from the Sunday regulars, you’re clearly getting horrible talent for Thursday night. Among football fans, Collinsworth remains as a fairly unpopular choice. In the NFL Network’s wisdom, instead of finding somebody who at least brings out the best in Collinsworth, they hire the boring, dull, and football knowledge-handicapped Gumbel.
Here’s my theory: The NFL Network hired Gumbel to make Collinsworth look better. Would this work in real life? Here are some other examples:
* Bears hire Larry Craig for his “wide stance” to improve the Bears offensive line.
* Bill Belichick hires surprisingly insufferable coaching great Don Shula to seem like less of an ass on the way to a perfect season.
* Microsoft hires key members of the Iraq war effort to develop “Shitsta”, the follow-up operating system to Vista.
* ABC tries to push Cavemen one more time by following the show with reruns of Full House and Family Matters.
* John Mellencamp pays a fortune to get Bob Seger’s “Like a Rock” re-released to make “Our Country” seem less annoying.
* The Bears give Kyle Orton a start to make Rex Grossman seem not so bad.
* The Vikings trade for the Bears’ Adrian Peterson to make their Adrian Peterson look even that much better.
* In a reversal, Tony Romo dates Jamie Lynn Spears to make Britney seem that much more wretched.
* NBC brings Jimmy the Greek back from the dead to make John Madden seem relevant.
–
OverHyped Game of the Week: Steelers at Patriots
Storyline: It’s the #1 offense vs. the #1 defense. It’s the precision of Tom Brady vs. the chaos of Ben Roethlisberger. It’s the ragamuffin Bill Belichick vs. the stylish Mike Tomlin.
Reality: Many believe only Kryptonite stops the Patriots. We’ve learned, though, that a patient passing game, a solid running attack, and a consistent pass rush gives the Patriots trouble. The Steelers have all three.
Pick: Pittsburgh Plus 12 Points, Under 49.5 Points Scored.
*
UnderHyped Game of the Week: Chargers at Titans
Storyline: With both teams at 7-5, both teams wished they played in the NFC. They don’t, so they’re fighting tooth and nail for a wild card spot.
Reality: Both teams have alternately looked like legitimate contenders and refugees from the USFL this season. Which teams show for this one? Probably the one without a guy named Turner on the coaching staff.
Pick: Tennessee Even, Under 40.5 Points Scored.
*
Results
Last week: 2-4 (2-1 Against the Spread, 0-3 Over/Under)
Season: 31-45 (14-24 Against the Spread, 17-21 Over/Under)
*
For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on December 7, 2007