By Eric Emery
Every week, half the nation’s football fans work through the classic stages of grief. Here’s what it sounds like.
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Grief Stage: Denial
What It Sounds Like: This is not happening. There’s still time left. If we score and recover an onside kick, we’ll only need one more touchdown and a two-point conversion. Then we’ll only be down by 10.
Grief Stage: Anger
What It Sounds Like: You suck!
Grief Stage: Bargaining
What It Sounds Like: I know I said I’d have it for you today, but I need a little more time. Just a couple days. Really. Ow! Why’d you have to go and do that? You know I’m good for the money. I just have to move some things around. Ow!
Grief Stage: Depression
What It Sounds Like: Honey, have you seen my noose?
Grief Stage: Acceptance
What It Sounds Like: Rex Grossman is our quarterback.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Packers at Lions
Storyline: Big division showdown can put the Lions right back in it.
Reality: The only thing that can stop Brett Favre is one more Wrangler commercial.
Pick: Green Bay Minus 3 Points, Under 48.5 Points.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Texans at Browns
Storyline: Both teams are playing much better on offense due to improved play from their quarterbacks.
Reality: And yet, their defenses stink. But the Texans’ defense is a little better, and they land the upset.
Pick: Houston Plus 3.5 Points, Over 50.5 Points Scored.
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Results
Last week: 3-3 (1-2 Against the Spread, 2-1 Over/Under)
Season: 28-36 (11-21 Against the Spread, 17-15 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on November 21, 2007