By Eric Emery
Last season, the most frequent caller in the Chicago sports radio world was The Angry Caller. Or, more to the point, The Angry At Rex Grossman Caller. This season it’s already clear that, even with the benching of Sexy Rexy this week, Bears fans realize that the team’s problems run deeper than just the quarterback position. Now we have a bevy of Confused Callers. Let’s take a look.
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Caller: “If only X would have happened, the Bears would have won . . . ”
For Example: “If Hester would have got the corner” . . . “If Berrian didn’t drop that pass” . . . “If Robbie Gould would have run in for a TD on that ridiculous fake FG attempt . . . ”
Guess What? If my Aunt had nuts, she would be my Uncle.
Should You Listen To This Caller? No. It’s like listening to lunatics explaining that if we don’t fight the terrorists in Iraq, we’ll have to fight them right here. Well Guess What?
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Caller: “If only this team was healthier. ”
For Example: “It’s not fair” . . . “It’s not fair” . . . “It’s not fair.”
Guess What: Depth isn’t just a way to measure a river in Egypt.
Should You Listen To This Caller? No. Soon, you will start writing your Congressman believing you can actually change his/her mind on an issue.
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Caller: “Here’s my question: . . . I’ll hang up and listen.”
For Example: “If only the Bears were healthier.” Click.
Guess What? A statement isn’t a question, and a conversation takes two people – just like your wife keeps trying to tell you.
Should You Listen To This Caller? No. Soon you will be the guy who takes 20 minutes to ask about every item on a menu and 10 minutes asking how a dish can be changed. And then you will order a hamburger, fries and Coke.
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Caller: “I don’t know.”
For Example: “Grossman can’t turn the ball over, I don’t know, they need a better running game, I don’t know, the defense needs help, I don’t know.”
Guess What? Of course you don’t know. That’s why you’re calling a sports radio show.
Should You Listen To This Caller? No. If he doesn’t know, what the heck will you learn?
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Steelers at Cardinals
The storyline: Three men coveted the Steelers head coach position. Mike Tomlin won, and the other two ran to Arizona. Now, the two disgraced coaches look for revenge against their former employers.
Reality: Have you heard of the maxim “You cannot shine a turd”? Well, Arizona is the turd.
Pick: Pittsburgh Minus 6 Points, Over 41.5 Points Scored.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: New England at Cincinnati
The storyline: Probably something about cheating and trouble with the law, respectively.
Reality: Do you like points? How about offenses gaining large chunks of yards? Do you like the feeling that no lead is safe? Are you a Cubs fan afraid of watching your team give up a lead so you want to watch somebody else do it? This game is for you.
Pick: New England Minus 7, Over 52.5 Points Scored.
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Results
Last week: 4-2 (1-2 Against the Spread, 3-0 Over/Under)
Season: 10-8 (4-5 Against the Spread, 6-3 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on September 27, 2007