By Eric Emery
The NFL isn’t exactly a repository of great wisdom these days – outside of whatever we can learn from strip clubs and dogfights. But the sages of the ages do have some useful advice for fans if you know how to interpret their words. We’ll translate for you.
*
Tupac Shakur: Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.
Applied to NFL: And Lovie dreamed that Lance Briggs wasn’t drinking and didn’t violate any team rules.
*
Shakira: Hips don’t lie.
Applied to NFL: But the football players attached to them do.
*
Scott “Dilbert” Adams: If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?
Applied to NFL: Watch any locker room interview to find out.
*
Confucius: By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Applied to NFL: We will never be allowed to forget the 1985 Bears.
*
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: Into each life some rain must fall.
Applied to NFL: And some of it will slip through the hands of Rex Grossman.
*
Tammy Wynette: Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman. giving all your love to just one man.
Applied to NFL: It’s hard to be a one-team fan when your team keeps letting you down.
*
Thornton Wilder: Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she’s a householder.
Applied to NFL: And sports event is a bribe to make fans think they have something to do with the team.
*
Thornton Melon: The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.
Applied to NFL: A violent ground acquisition game such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.
*
Gandhi: I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
Applied to NFL: Nosterdamus said much the same long before Gandhi, and foresaw the creation of Mike North to boot.
*
Francis Bacon: The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
Applied to NFL: Still, it seems like Robbie Gould makes more kicks when I’m standing up than sitting down.
*
Mark Twain: I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Applied to NFL: Fans will jump off bandwagons at twice the rate they jump on.
–
OverHyped Game of the Week: New Orleans at Indianapolis (Thursday night)
Will the game measure up to the quality of the commercial?
Probably not. But having finally won the Big One, the Colts will actually have the bigger chip on their shoulders and more to prove.
Pick: Indianapolis Minus 6 Points, Over 53 Points Scored.
–
UnderHyped Game of the Week: New England Patriots at New York Jets
Has the media lost its collective “man crush” on Tom Brady? It seems like they only heart Peyton these days.
Not me. Though Patriots games are usually prime contenders for OverHyped status, this time the cleat is on the other foot. Both teams really hate each other. The Jets surprised the Patriots with a win early last last season. And I still heart Tom Brady.
Pick: New England Minus 6.5 Points, Over 41 Points Scored
–
For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on September 6, 2007