By Eric Emery
Never has one round of wild card football produced so much hysteria as last weekend’s slate of games did. Here are the statements issued this week by players and teams throughout the league.
Office of Dallas Cowboys Inc.: “We categorically deny that we are trying to kill Bill Parcells rather than have to fire him. Conspiracy theories involving Tony Romo are nothing more than Internet twaddle.”
Tony Romo: “I couldn’t be more excited about my trade to the Mavericks, especially since the league went back to their old leather balls. Easy to handle, and no T.O. in the huddle.”
Terrell Owens: “I have 18 dropped passes, er, reasons to fire my publicist.”
The Kansas City Chiefs Fan Club: “We disagree with the consensus that Herm Edwards lacks the creativity to lead a team through the playoffs. After all, you have to be awfully creative to fail to get a first down well into the third quarter.”
Eli Manning: “I regret to announce I’ve discovered I’m adopted. My real father lives in San Diego.”
Office of New York Giants Inc.: “We are pleased to announce a one-year extension Tom Coughlin’s tour of duty. His infantry unit leaves tomorrow.”
Bill Belichick: “I sincerely apologize for pushing that cameraman. I thought he was Mangini.”
Eric Mangini: “I pre-emptively deny infecting Bill Belichick with polonium 210.”
Lovie Smith: “Rex is our quarterback.”
Here are this week’s most over- and under-hyped games.
Over-hyped: Indianapolis at Baltimore
Storyline: League’s best quarterback against league’s best defense.
What They Forget To Tell You: The Colts looked like boiled shit on offense for the regular-season stretch run, plus they’ve struggled against the 3-4 defense, which the Ravens run.
Pick: Baltimore minus 3.5/Under 42
Under-hyped: Philadelphia at New Orleans
Storyline: Katrina vs. Garcia. Kind of lopsided in the sentiment department.
What They Forget To Tell You: Rocky Balboa is actually a decent movie.
Pick: New Orleans minus 4/Over 48
Under-hyped: New England at San Diego
Storyline: Belichick and Brady vs. Schottenheimer and Tomlinson.
What They Forget To Tell You: Schottenheimer sucks. But this might be the true Super Bowl.
Pick: San Diego minus 4.5/Over 47
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Last Week: 0-8
Regular Season: 45-52-3
Total: 45-60-3
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com.
Posted on January 10, 2007