By Eric Emery
The nation’s most important make-believe religious holiday is on Monday. For many fantasy football leagues, the most important make-believe week is Sunday: Your fantasy football championship game. Fantasy football continues to evolve, and I believe these are the most likely additions to scoring systems across the country next year:
HIgh Crimes and Misdemeanors – Earn points each week for arrests, convictions, plea deals and parole violations. Bonus points for amusing mug shots. Likely impact: Bengals and Bears players increase in value.
Stupid Coach Comments – Earn points for comments detrimental to team unity and morale. Extends to relatives. Likely impact: The Moras draw more attention on draft day than Michael Vick.
Needless Video Montages – It’s been years since your most notable players performed at an elite level. Nevertheless, networks replay the same material from 1999. Get a point each time they do. Likely impact: Brett Favre returns to 1999 value.
Sentimenal Analysts Bonus – Granted, many players-turned-analysts dominated on the field in their day, but now they dominate in the booth reminding us of that fact. Can we please save the self-congratulatory comments for your Hall of Fame speeches? Likely impact: Ex-Cowboys tip the balance of power in many fantasy leagues.
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On the Bubble
Chances are, your favorite team stinks. You’re looking for room on another team’s bandwagon but it feels like cheating because your team is still “in it” mathematically. Let’s ease your pain and pierce the mythology of teams that are done.
NFC –
Falcons (7-7): The Birds use Michael Vick’s strength and agility to keep the walls of the Georgia Dome up. Not a good enough passing arm for a playoff ticket, though.
Vikings (6-8): The Norsemen continue to push large boulder up a steep mountain. That’s because it keeps rolling back down.
Packers (6-8): The Pack use Brett Farve’s charisma and power to defeat the other gods in battle. Remind children that every time they hear thunder, it’s Favre striking the heavens with his hammer. The lightning, however, won’t strike enough for Green Bay to sneak in.
49ers (6-8): First, the Miners wish for the power to turn everything to gold. Second, they touch everybody they play.
AFC –
Jets (8-6): The Flyboys fashion wings with wax and feathers. But Pennington flies too close to the sun.
Broncos (8-6): The Steeds are a genetically engineered race of centaurs. Horse-like ability to run overshadows inability to pass.
Bills (7-7): The Bison have built a huge wooden horse able to accommodate 53 players plus coaches and staff. They trick opponents into taking horse into stadium. When Willis McGahee gives the signal, all players exit the horse and slaughter everybody. Only works once, though.
Steelers (7-7): Due to his poor play early in the season, Ben Roethlisberger must carry the sky on his shoulders. Too esoteric for a team of Metalworkers.
Let’s take a look at the most over- and under-hyped games of the week.
Over-Hyped: Philadelphia at Dallas
Storyline: Division rivals collide with both teams posturing for a playoff spot.
What They Forget To Tell You: Both teams field different QBs from their last meeting. Even though Garcia and Romo have played relatively well, both need effective running games to effectively move the ball.
Add the “hatred” between ex-teammates Garcia and Owens and this game has more manufactured hype than Night at the Museum. I’ll probably not watch this game either.
Pick: Dallas minus 7/Over 47.5
Under-Hyped: Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Storyline: Division rivals collide with one team already assured of a playoff spot and the other needing help.
What They Forget To Tell You: Unlike Dallas and Philly, this game needs no manufactured hype. They really hate each other.
Imagine if Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding passed each other in the hallway. It’d be on like Donkey Kong. Replace sequin suits and lead pipes with Ray Lewis and knives, and Joey Porter and pit bulls. Then you have this game.
Unfortunately, Ben Roethlisberger is left to yell “Why me?!” Baltimore stars in an episode of Celebrity Boxing, and I’m finally free to hop on the Chargers bandwagon.
Pick: Baltimore plus 3/Under 37
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Last Week: 4-2
Season: 38-47-3
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com.
Posted on December 20, 2006