By George Ofman
Hello world. Have we got an Olympics for you! It won’t exactly be the one you’re accustomed to. Chicago has decided to add a few of its own events. Heck, if we’re going to be the host city why not show the world what we’re all about. This city of broad shoulders, deep dish pizza, the hot dog and constant corruption wants to make a lasting impression in 2016. So in an effort to make the 2016 Olympic Games more enticing and unique, we offer these events.
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* 8-Man Crowing. This is rowing with a bit of a twist. The rowing event is scheduled to take place in Monroe Harbor. The crowing event will be held down a 2,000-meter stretch of the Chicago River. For those who haven’t figured out the metric system, that’s approximately 1.25 miles. It will run right through downtown with all the bridges up. Each scull also will be equipped with 8 pigeons perched atop each crew member. The team that manages to cross the finish line first without any pigeon dropping a load receives the gold medal and a squad dinner.
* Neighborhood Archery. As opposed to the regularly scheduled archery event in Grant Park, neighborhood archery will take place in the city’s highest crime districts. Each archer will have in his possession a shotgun and two revolvers. Uzi’s are optional. Medalists will be determined by who survives.
* Pothole Cycling. Perhaps the most grueling event next to the Pothole Marathon, each cyclist will have to maneuver through the city’s most ravaged streets, including alleys. Any cyclist who falls must return to the starting line and retrace the route. Because of the nature of the event, it’s expected to start after the opening ceremonies and last as long as a week.
* Equestrian harness racing. This event will be staged at Maywood Park. Each contestant’s dressage horse will have to traverse mounds of manure strewn across the track. The trick, of course, is not to step in it. Betting will be allowed.
* The Vienna Hot Dog Trampoline Event. Planners are expecting this be a huge and possibly messy success. Each gymnast must be able to jump the highest and do somersaults while consuming the most hot dogs with everything on them. Any gymnast seen eating a hot dog with ketchup will be disqualified. Medalists will be determined by the least amount of vomit.
* Aldermanic Polo. Organizers are a bit worried about this event. It entails each contestant having to stuff his or her swimsuit with cash distributed by selected alderman. If any of the bills get wet, that contestant will be jailed with the alderman swearing no knowledge. Medalists must return the cash . . . with interest! The cash will eventually be placed in Mayor Daley’s trust fund.
* Inner City Fencing. This event will take place in three venues; Humboldt Park, River Park and North Avenue beach. With the expected success of neighborhood archery, this clever event does not involve an epee but a real piece of wooden fencing. Contestants cannot wear any protective gear save for a cup. The winner is determined by the amount of fence left after a two-minute fray. The medal round will switch to metal fencing.
* Smelt Diving. Organizers determined this event to be very Chicago. The swimming pool will be filled with these smelly creatures. Difficulty of the dive won’t factor into the scoring as much as how many smelt can be swallowed whole by each diver. Organizers are considering synchronized smelt diving if the games return in 2060.
* Parking box smashing. What will easily be the most popular event among locals, contestants from all nations can use weapons indigenous to their country in order to destroy as many of these annoying money squeezing contraptions as possible. Each contestant will be assigned a specific area of the city. Whoever winds up smashing the most boxes not only receives a gold medal but will have the honor of chairing a city council meeting.
* The Pothole Marathon. An addition to the regular marathon, the pothole marathon will be run down the 26-mile stretch of Western Avenue. Runners must be barefoot in tribute to Abebe Bikila who ran barefoot in the 1960 Rome Games and won. The course will be prepared long in advance as the city will not repair any potholes for the seven years leading up to the race. Extra pot holes will be added in strategic positions. Water will be banned for this event and replaced by Old Chicago beer. Finishing first will not necessarily determine the winner. Contestants must be able to avoid as many potholes as possible as part of special scoring. The gold medalist also will receive a kickback check issued by Mayor Daley and a lifetime gift certificate to Lou Malnatis.
Let the Games begin!
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See also:
* Chicago 2016 vs. Baghdad 2016
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George Ofman, an original member of The Score and a veteran of NPR, has covered more than 3,500 sporting events over the course of his career. Comments welcome.
Posted on October 1, 2009