By Carl Mohrbacher

The Story So Far
If one is to measure pearls of wisdom in ounces of pain, Bears fans learned a lot this season. Here are some of my favorite takeaways:
* If ESPN has anything to say about it, Brett Favre will never really retire.
* Thumb injuries can hurt more than a hit from Mike Tyson. Not a punch, but rather this little diddy which was a number one hit in Guam.
* Horrible fumbles aside, Marion Barber and Kahlil Bell inadvertently played well enough to remove a Scarface-esque duffel bag full of money from Matt Forte’s possession.

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Posted on December 29, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

The good news is, if the rash of injuries to starting offensive players continues at this pace, it’s only a matter of time before Mike Martz has his tibia fractured in a freak catering accident.
Caleb’s Quest
Horrific leg bone accidents aside, let’s all bow our heads in a moment of silence for the death of Caleb Hanie’s stillborn fortune. The recent four-game losing streak has cost no one more dearly and unfortunately, Hanie made some unwise investments with the money he thought he was sure to earn as a free agent this offseason.

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Posted on December 22, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

There’s No “I” In Clock Management
But there is one in “Marion.”
Pretty Good
After another devastating loss, Bears LB Brian Urlacher was quoted as saying that Tim Tebow is “a good running back.”
In a way, that’s true. Here are some other things that are true.
* Hanukkah gifts are “a thoughtful gesture.”
* Your jing-hang is “a nice size.”
* Russia is “a democracy.”
* This guy is “the son of a raccoon and Willem Dafoe.”

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Posted on December 15, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

Royals Rout Sox 10-3
Tyler Palko went 1-for-9 with seven RBIs on a check swing and the Caleb Hanie struck out with men in scoring position five times.
Arrrgh, My Coin!
Busted MCLs cost so much these days they ought to be sent to federal prison for 14 years shaking down Tulane running backs and children’s hospitals.
The good news for Matt Forte is that his career will go on, albeit with a substantially lower income. The bad news for his team is that the season was declared dead at 3:37 p.m. CST last Sunday.

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Posted on December 8, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

Chad-Stache McHanie
Sure it makes him look like your buddy Kevin’s dad, but Sunday’s dud against Oakland made it imminently clear that Caleb Hanie needs to bring back the “rowdy” lip warmer.
Why, you ask?
* You don’t make a liar out of a shirt that says “Mustache Rides: One Dollar.”
* He can finally reunite his 80’s tribute band: Hanie & Oates.
* Hanie is a chronic dendrophobic and Illinois law permits mustached citizens to carry concealed axes at all times. Before the week is out, the Bears number two signal-caller is going to make Cook County officials change the name of “Lake Forest” to “Lake.”

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Posted on December 1, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
With Patrick Mannelly moved to the IR, the Bears’ chances of a deep playoff run are finished. The team will play out the string with Bobby Nohnayme, Andy A. Nonimus or some special teams imposter heaving the ball between their legs to Adam Podlesh.
We can only hope that the Broncos cut their backup long snapper and none of the 28 teams in front of the Bears in the waiver order take action.

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Posted on November 24, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

SAT Prep: Analogies
Lance Briggs : Calvin Johnson ::
a). Penn State Student : News Van
b). Tyler Durden : FreeCreditScore.com
c). Marriage : Fitness
d). Female Japanese Drivers : Other Motorists*

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Posted on November 17, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

Ad-Vandy-ge Bears
Apparently Vanderbilt University can produce some decent athletes through its football program and not just the Intramural Sports squad, as we had all assumed. Thanks to a healthy chest and a corresponding dip in the price of industrial pork emulsion futures, Earl Bennett and the McRib are back!
As a fan of both third down conversions and as a guy who brushes his teeth with KC Masterpiece, I couldn’t be happier.

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Posted on November 9, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

Clear Eyes, Bye Week . . . Can’t Lose
Leading the Bucs 21-5 at the start fourth quarter, Mike Martz capitalized on his free time by planning his bye-week activities. While it nearly cost the Bears the game, it wasn’t a total waste. Here are some of his ideas for Week 8.
* Schedule an appointment at Jiffy Helmet to get that pesky issue with the sideline radio worked out.
* My quarterback keeps telling me to eat a dick, why not expand some horizons? Get that big guy Rollo on the phone and make it a true bi-week!
* We’re playing the Eagles, Lions, Chargers, Raiders and Chiefs over the next five games? Note to self: Call Rich Eisen, you know, just to stay on his radar in case the NFL Network could use an extra analyst in the offseason.
* Post my sweet Tebowing picture from the pool bathroom on LinkedIn.

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Posted on November 3, 2011

By Carl Mohrbacher

How’s The Meriweather Up There?
No seriously, how is he up there on the safety depth chart and Chris Harris is prowling the sideline in his Bears onesie pajamas? Are 15-yard personal fouls a new wrinkle in the cover two shell? The move is an active roster allegory to a Lovie-thrown challenge flag, though since it didn’t cost the Bears any timeouts, you could make the argument that it was less detrimental.

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Posted on October 20, 2011