Chicago -
By Carl Mohrbacher
Male Bag
Last week, we touched on a concept deemed controversial by some; a variation of football that consists primarily of dozens of men getting raped for sport. As a result, my Beachwood inbox enjoyed what can be tactfully deemed “generous amounts of feedback.”
By which I actually mean, 450 gigabytes worth of nude photo e-mail attachments.
All of them featuring man parts.
Score.
Posted on November 29, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
Quit Yer Grinnin’ And Drop Yer Lineman
I suppose if this whole “blocking” thing doesn’t work out, Gabe Carimi can always go back to working the pole over at Package Deal.
By day he stands with Israel, but by night he stands at attention . . . in the pants!
Yeeeeow!!!
Loosen up those purse strings because his “A” gap is open for business aaaaaannd pleasure, ha HA!
C’mon down to stage three and say hello to Man-ischewitz!
Posted on November 22, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
The Tillman With The Iron Fists
Most . . . Valuable . . . Puncher.
But if history has taught us anything, Peanut is either going to have to start throwing touchdowns or step it up on the statutory rape if he is going to bring home the real MVP.
Garbage Pail Offense
Taking a page out of the 2008 Patriots playbook (25 point lead = endless passing), the side of the ball that is paid to move it forward finally did so in the fourth quarter on Sunday.
Last time I told my wife to hang out for 40 minutes while I worked out the kinks in my aerial attack (Two Words: Helicopter Balls), I did not score three times, so kudos to the Bears for getting it done in the face of disinterest.
Next time, let’s call the 40-yard bomb to Brandon Marshall in the second quarter.
Thanks Tice.
Posted on November 7, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
Don’t Call It A Comeback*
Honestly, I don’t know what you call that game against the Panthers, but it certainly evoked an emotion that has got to be akin to how women view 90% of their sexual encounters.
You grit your teeth through 52 minutes of a performance that, aside from the four free appletinis that lead you to this dazzling display of mis-execution, would be considered a complete waste of everybody’s time at best, until you take the initiative, get on top, and grind out a winner at the very end.
Posted on November 1, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
Not that a church-going man like myself needs to have the fear of God put in him more than twice a week (long story short, meatball subs have no place in a shooting range), but Ndamukong Suh’s devastating (but clean) hit on Jay Cutler had many of us Bear fans nervously stroking our rosaries Monday night and not just because our wife was due back from the store any minute (seriously honey, call ahead).
Peace be with you Jason Campbell, but your second coming as a starter will have to wait until at least Week 8.
Posted on October 25, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
Yeah! Who’s king of the jungle now, bitches?
If Rudyard Kipling’s classic Tale Spin has taught me anything*, it’s that Bears always win fights against jungle cats. The second half of Sunday’s game proved that timeless maxim true once again.
Meaty-Thighs Jones-Drew (image courtesy of SoundingTubes.com) might be one of the most talented backs in the AFC, but even his ability to squat a Buick with a fat chick riding mechanical bull mounted to its hood wasn’t enough to drive the Jacksonville offense for more than 50 second half yards. Your move, Old Spice marketing department.
Posted on October 11, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
Former Bear Tommie Harris was arrested Monday for allegedly urinating outside of a Wrigleyville bar.
It was the first time Harris has produced a sack in Chicago since 2010.
Posted on October 3, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
Hearing James Laurinaitis’s name called by the Fox broadcast last week got me thinking.
No, not about the fact that he’s the son of the Road Warrior Animal or that his fifth favorite bible verse is (are?) Psalm 51 “all 19 verses.”
It got me thinking about other names that sound like serious health issues. As such, here are the top five ailments named after NFL players.
Posted on September 27, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
Look, there’s no shame in losing to the Packers in Green Bay. They’re a quality team and figure to be a big piece of the NFC landscape going forward.
However, there might be shame in dropping passes in the end zone . . . or shame in letting game-saving interceptions ricochet off of your palms . . . or shame in quickly wiping your hands on Clay Matthews just before he runs past you on his way to your quarterback . . .
To sum up Week Two, the Bears hands will go to the box, get two minutes to themselves, and they will feel shame.
Posted on September 20, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
They’ve got a number one receiver, a Pro Bowl quarterback and a complete running game – now with real fullback action!
They’ve got a coaching staff that’s so experienced and prepared that they were in charge of making the trains run on time while Rahm was at the DNC*.
They’ve got an opportunistic defense that will put points on the board with a rookie safety poised to perennially man the secondary for years to come!
HEADS UP, NFC A-HOLES!!! WE’RE THE MONSTERS OF THE MIDWAY AND WE NOT ONLY LIVE UNDER YOU BED, WE BANG YO’ MAMMA THERE!!!
Posted on September 11, 2012
