Chicago -
By Carl Mohrbacher
Sure it’s a loss, but if you take away the fumble return, and Matthew Stafford loses the ball on the goal line, Jay Cutler remembers that he is to distribute the ball to members of his own team, a modicum of clock management is practiced in the last eight minutes, Henry Melton miraculously recovers from a torn ACL in four days and Reggie Bush rushes for only 80 yards in the first half . . .
. . . the Bears still lose 33-30.
Posted on October 3, 2013
By Carl Mohrbacher
I’m beginning to think that Marc Trestman is still under the impression that the Bears are playing some kind of Canadian-style football in which there are three quarters, moose wearing flannel shirts roam the sidelines, the orange coolers are full of either Labatt Blue or maple syrup, everybody is polite yet gainfully employed and Rush performs the national anthem every night.
I’m glad that the Bears are so confident in their offense that they believe that every single rushing play in the third quarter should be a “shit run,” or “draw” as they’re more conventionally known, but at least in the first 3/16ths of the season (is that a metric quarter? Damn you, Canada!) the truth of the matter is the defense either produces a turnover or does not stop anyone.
Posted on September 26, 2013
By Carl Mohrbacher
The Bears somehow managed to leave the door open for a Viking upset, despite limiting Adrian Peterson’s effectiveness and watching Christian Ponder’s level of play inspire little boys everywhere to become long snappers.
And yes, if giving up three runs in six innings is a “Quality Start” in baseball, then giving up 100 yards and no touchdowns to AP is “limiting” him.
I assume those dastardly bartenders at Buffalo Wild Wings were behind the tight finish to Sunday’s game. The only explanation for that throw on 1st and goal was that Jay Cutler’s eyes were getting blasted by delicious condiments as he released the ball.
Posted on September 19, 2013
By Carl Mohrbacher
How do you make a 280-pound man disappear?
Apparently by matching him up against a backup left tackle.
It’s early in the season so instead of rushing to judgement, let’s draw the only reasonable conclusion as to why the Bears all-world defensive end was completely invisible against the Bengals.
Like Bran Stark*, Julius Peppers is a Warg, and last Sunday Marc Trestman tasked him with the theft of the Minnesota Vikings playbook. Using his mind projection powers, Peppers traversed the wilds of Wisconsin as a crafty, elusive badger and briefly inhabited the body of FSN sideline reporter Ann Carroll in order to gain access to the Twin City facilities.
Posted on September 12, 2013
By Carl Mohrbacher
Unwilling to remain mired in competitive purgatory, Phil Emery has put his stamp on the franchise by installing a coaching staff that emphasizes a check-down-centric passing attack while making no changes to the defense at all.
For those of you who watched Swamp Road Boo Boo Truckers: Amish Invasion instead of the NFL Network in June (you’re goddamn right I want to see Sterling Sharpe’s childhood shanty), I’ll take a moment to summarize the offseason.
Posted on September 5, 2013
By Carl Mohrbacher
No point in mincing words, this offensive scheme was silly and I completely blame it for the Bears not winning the division.
I blame it like I blame Animal’s cocaine habit for breaking up Dr. Teeth And The Electric Mayhem.
I blame it like I blame John Wilkes Booth for ruining the third act of Our American Cousin.
I blame it like I blame Scott Bakula for . . . well, he knows why we can’t visit Rochester again.
Posted on January 3, 2013
By Carl Mohrbacher
Thanks Cardinals, you made us feel like we have a Super Bowl-caliber defense and an offense that’s good enough to win. This was like a great party at the end of a marriage that’s been loveless for five years.
They get dressed up, appear at a nice controlled social environment and slap on the charm for a roomful of casual acquaintances. For a few hours, he’s the charmer she fell in love with and she’s lightly touching his arm as she offers to grab him another drink from the bar.
But next week, they’re arguing bitterly about who was supposed to take that bag that’s been sitting in the foyer for the last two goddam weeks to Goodwill or angrily debating whether Lovie Smith’s career record is enough to justify a lame-duck gig in 2013. By this time next year, the papers are signed, the house is split and, because nobody at that party suspected a thing, they all quietly blame Lovie for being such a divisive figure.
Posted on December 26, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
It took some doing, by which I mean ignoring the running game, and Alshon Jeffery looking like a rookie when he was actually on the field, and not really having a tight end, and a lot of momentum-killing penalties, and a heap of injuries, and some fairly terrible play-calling, and special teams looking average, but the Bears have managed to parlay a 7-1 first half into the seventh seed in the NFC, thus reducing a promising season into a desperate two game win-out-or-die scenario for the third time in five years.
The NFL has an elaborate set of tiebreakers and so only true insiders like the crack Beachwood staff understand how to determine which 9-7 team has a chance to win the Super Bowl. Allow me to use our vast computational resources to help you, the dedicated reader, navigate the byzantine maze of NFC playoff scenarios for teams on the bubble.
Posted on December 19, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
Due to mounting pressure from basic math and things I see with my eyes (I ate nine pierogies for breakfast on Sunday, you don’t want to know what my nose thinks), I have to begrudgingly admit that 13 games is enough of a sample size to downgrade my rating for the 2012 offense.
As it seems my estimation of this year’s team worth was a tad overblown, I’ll endeavor to be more subjective for the remainder of the season.
Henceforth, I will join my colleagues at Beachwood and adopt the complex and proprietary set of calculations known as the Offensive Analysis Formula as a means to rate both individual players and the Bears as a team.
Posted on December 13, 2012
By Carl Mohrbacher
WILSON!
Boy did that asshole ever make our front seven look hurt and old.
A mirror has the same effect, but still.
To be fair to the defense, I doubt Rod Marinelli dialed up any schemes that account for the QB rolling out and running for first-down yardage – eight consecutive times. Next time we play the Seahawks, I’ll lobby to get my 10-year-old nephew on the sidelines so the Bears can employ the defensive strategy he uses against his friends in online Madden ’09 matchups.
Posted on December 6, 2012
