By Carl Mohrbacher

Sunday’s game was supposed to provide a payoff to the stupidest debate since caveman Oog tried to convince caveman Drak that poison berries were a more effective method of hunting dinosaur than rolling a massive boulder on to the beast.
Both options were tried, the T-Rex lived and the village was still devoured by raptors in the last week of the hunting season. So who was right? The guy with the boulder.
You go with the best weapons available and let the Triceratops chips fall where they may.
Drak cares not for berries! As true now as it was 4,900 years ago.
For those of you not able to pierce my vague innuendo, we’re examining Jay Cutler’s return to the starting lineup and more importantly the perception of the quarterback position coming out of the Browns game.

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Posted on December 19, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

Thanks, Dallas!
I wish all Bears opponents would utilize the kind of strategy the Cowboys brought to the frozen lakefront.
And by “strategy,” I mean use an implausibly successful running game to lull the Bears defense into a false sense of ineptitude, only to unleash a passing attack that consists of nearly a dozen total completions.

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Posted on December 12, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

Hm? There was a game last week? I watched the Redskins-Giants football match. It must have slipped my mind the Chicago Athletes played . . . oh, right right right. Chicago Bears. Got it.
Heh, you know what’s really weird guys? How Jay Ratliff suddenly wants to be called “Jeremiah.”
That’s noteworthy!
You know what else is astounding? Matt Forte officially passed Neal Anderson for fitting the most Cracker Jacks in his mouth at once.

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Posted on December 5, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

Room For Improvement
The title isn’t meant to be a sarcastic quip. I suggest we take the Bears defense into a room and beat them until they improve.
And by “we,” I mean a group of guys who are in much better shape than I am. Possibly led by Bennie Cunningham or any other athlete who ever occupied a spot on the Rams running back depth chart (go get ’em Eric Dickerson!) or maybe even a star of the Food Network (go get ’em Robert Irvine!).
Sunday’s game suuuhhhhh-cked.
You may be saying “Hey Carl, we clicked over here from the vintage porn site because we’re looking for hard-hitting football analysis during our 20-minute refractory period. Tell us exactly what sucked so bad about it.”
To which I say:

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Posted on November 28, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

Depending on where you live in the Chicagoland area, you may have had your regularly scheduled Bears broadcast preempted by incessant weather reports or annoying gray screens insisting you “seek shelter.”
Hey, Mary Kay Kleist and the CBS meteorological team, if I want to know if it’s raining, I’ll step outside and attempt to prevent my grill from blowing through the concrete facade of the Taco Bell seven blocks from my home.
So while the Bears were slogging their way to a gutsy/gusty 23-20 OT victory, my family and guests were huddled in the basement . . . which is where we put all of the exotic beers my buddy brings over. Nothing quells the fear of impending doom like a liter of Serpent’s Stout.

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Posted on November 21, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

Coming to theaters next summer, Jay Cutler (high ankle), Lance Briggs (mid shoulder), Peanut Tillman (Eastern arm tear), Brad Pitt, Henry Melton (most of knee), Kelvin Hayden (meat off of leg bone), George Clooney, Nate Collins (knee stuff still strewn about football field), Andy Garcia, Kristin Cavallari, Don Cheadle, Matt Damon, The Ghost of Sir Francis Drake (deceased), Julia Roberts, D.J. Williams (ripped chest/shredded abs . . . damn you T25!), John Boehner and Ryan Seacrest star in Steven Soderbergh’s Smug Caper Movie Number Six.

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Posted on November 14, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

I stand corrected.
The Bears can beat the Packers in a game Aaron Rodgers starts.
Meat-headedness aside, you hate to see a talented player lose time to broken things, though that sentiment doesn’t extend to Christian Ponder who believes he’d been sidelined for the last several weeks with broken promises by the Vikings organization.
My wife’s wine-fueled, initial reaction likely reflected the mood of many a Bear fan. I counted 15 “suck it bitches” before we headed to the kitchen for refills.

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Posted on November 7, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

Call Hawkeye and Trapper, we’ve officially reached the point where laughing is the only way to cope.
Incidentally, the Bears could use a couple of warm bodies out there on defense.
Let’s call Alan Alda and Donald Sutherland, Elliot Gould and Wayne Rogers, Jamie Farr and his cross dressing alter ego. I’m sure some of them are either still alive or at minimum, dead sexy.
With so few professional-caliber football players left on the Chicago squad to, um, play football, the Bears brass is going to have to show some real creativity to win games until reinforcements can arrive. The BAOKAR (pronounced “BAHW-KAAAAAARRR!”) has volunteered several viable options throughout the season to as to how Chicago should compensate for its lack of healthy bodies.

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Posted on October 31, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

Nice to see Brandon Jacobs rack up a heady stat line for my 2008 fantasy football starting lineup.
So it was a bit of a ho-hum victory, but in some parts of town a Ho Hum can go for as much $300. Thank your lucky stars that you got to watch one for the price of local programming.
Even without the ability to wrestle middle-aged running backs to the turf, the Bears managed to tack on a win against a team whose quarterback is on pace to throw approximately 40 interceptions. Yet you have national sports outlets talking about how this team is only three games out of first.
This is what a ring buys you.

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Posted on October 17, 2013

By Carl Mohrbacher

Nineteen out of 20 readers are aware that The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report is not big on statistics. Ninety-eight percent of Americans don’t know that, but three-sevenths should.
If you got the impression that Drew Brees completed 26 out of 24 passes to Jimmy Graham and Pierre Thomas last week, you’d be right; a couple of those pump fakes went for a combined 18 yards.
According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the only other quarterback in NFL history who completed a higher percentage of his passes in a single game was Jesus while playing for, who else, the Raiders in 1966.
We have seen two Bears games in a row that would have required Hail Marys to pull out a victory, which isn’t a sin but it is a shame.

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Posted on October 10, 2013