By Carl Mohrbacher

Home Failed Advantage
Sunday’s loss to the Miami Dolphins felt devastating, but rather than taking this one entirely to heart, fans should view it as an irritating loss in the midst of a middling season.
Sort of like the scent of vas deferens being cauterized near the end of a vasectomy. You knew what you were in for when you cut the check to “The Offices of Dr. Spermslayah.”
No use complaining about the smell at this late juncture.
Yes, the Bears are a befuddling 0-3 at home almost halfway through the year, and yes, as fans we should be upset.
But let’s put the game in historical perspective.

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Posted on October 23, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Como Se Lamas
I was planning on opening up this week’s column with a Princess Bride reference, courtesy of David Diehl. I feel like anyone who watched the Fox broadcast and compared the former NFL lineman to the guy filling in for Thom Brennaman will understand.
I didn’t realize they made shirts with a size 38 neck.
But it turns out when you search the term “David Diehl Fox,” you get a gift from the heavens:
Episode six of the second season of Renegade starring Lorenzo Lamas like five links down.
Thanks, The Internets!

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Posted on October 16, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Fate placed me in Charlotte on Sunday, unfortunately under circumstances which had nothing to do with the Bears.
Oh, there were “bears” involved, but most were not the kind with a capital “B.”
In any case, I’ve found that the road puts you in a weird headspace.
You ask yourself questions; quandaries that normally don’t bubble to the surface within the confines of a normal routine.
Like, how many times can I turn the ball over in the last 500 seconds of a football game before it becomes statically impossible to win?
Or, when you’re presented a “very special offer” on a plane, why is It always a credit card? Why can’t it be muffins?

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Posted on October 10, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Marc’s Little Secret
Looking back, we should have known something was up when the Bears attempted an onside kick with the lead.
For those of you who missed the first half of Sunday’s contest, (presumably because you were either returning to town from international travel or hastily concluding the burial of your mother-in-law), there were about 40 minutes of this game in which the outcome was still in doubt for most of us.
But not for one observant individual.
And I don’t mean that Marc Trestman was photographed sounding a ram’s horn while wearing a “Happy New Year 5775!*” hat.
I mean he was perceptive.

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Posted on October 2, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

There’s No “L” In NYC
Considering that the Jets rushing attack was averaging about four more yards per attempt than New York quarterback Geno Smith was throwing for, I was a bit surprised that Jets offensive mastermind Marty Mornhinweg (seen here sweating through a poncho on his way to initiate a class-action lawsuit against Bing Images) tried to beat the Bears though the air.
Granted, by the end of the game the Bears had sustained so many injuries in the secondary that Phil Emery hastily re-signed former wideout Earl Bennett and instructed him to “just take this $8,000 and run around in centerfield like a damn crab you have to.”
As my grandpappy used to say, “It’s Uter-US, not Uter-TEAM.” Which I believe translates to “the Jets look like a team that wants to giftwrap victories for their opponents” in Hungarian.
Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.

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Posted on September 25, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

The San Francisco Feat
Well golly-gee, we have ourselves a winner!
It came at the expense of Jay Cutler’s sternum, Chris Conte’s shoulder, Jeremiah Ratliff’s brain and Charles Tillman’s career, but a win nonetheless.
Or nonethemore. Whatever you call it when you lose three starters on defense for some amount of time/forever and your quarterback nearly has a pizza-sized hole punched in his chest.
That said, the value of this victory simply can’t be understated; this was a season-saving win for the Chicago Bears and a wildly entertaining 32 minutes of football.

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Posted on September 18, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Ouch. My hopes and dreams.
Thanks to this latest/earliest setback, I’m going to have to downgrade the likelihood of the Bears making the playoffs from “possible” to “leaving town during Wild Card weekend.”
For those of you who didn’t receive the magnet in the mail, here is the scale:

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Posted on September 11, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Crystal Ball Edition.
Week 1: vs. Bills.
In a proverbial must-win Week One game, Donte Rosario explodes for three special teams tackles. During the second quarter, a mic’d up Mel Tucker is overheard muttering “Who the hell is playing quarterback for these assholes . . . ” on the live Fox broadcast. A frantic Lance Briggs is seen hurling a pulled pork sandwich over his shoulder and yelling “Oh shit, that was today???” into his cell phone while fleeing the The Double Nickel Smokehouse at 9:20 a.m. Pacific Sunday morning. Not to worry, Bears win 31-10.

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Posted on September 4, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Offseason Review
The 2014 offseason was driven by GM Phil Emery’s plot to upgrade Chicago’s suddenly one-dimensional defense. By which I mean last year’s defense was born of a dimension in which doctors unsuccessfully try to surgically remake people who can tackle running backs into either hideous cave monsters or Maxine Stuart.
Here’s the good news, Bear fans: If the Chicago can give up fewer than 5.3 yards per carry this season, we’re seeing tangible improvement.
Improvement akin to growing some hair back on the stub of your severed left hand, but I’m a glass is half full (of whiskey) kind of guy.
Let’s examine the sweeping changes that are going to help the 2014 squad eclipse the crappy, crappy standard set by its injury riddled predecessor.

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Posted on August 28, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Definitely would have been more fun if Hawk Harrelson had called the game – you know, like driving is more fun when you’re doing whip-its.
You know, Stone Pony, I played on a pretty bad team in KC back in ’64, we were down 21 to nothin’ to the Philadelphia Mexicans that year on several occasions . . . several. We called ’em that because there was a guy named Tony Gonzalez playing center, but let me tell you sumthin’, We never put on such a poor display of athletics-ism as the Bears are dumpin’ out there right now. Never would have happened in KC . . . not while Manny “Dos Numeros” Jimenez was roaming left center. Wore number 15 and 20 that year, did Manny. We had four Mexican outfielders that year, if you counted me . . .
As I write this I’m beginning to believe that Hawk is just a slightly spryer version of Grandpa Simpson.
Thanks to excessive holiday Scotch intake, I’ve erased much of this game from my memory. By all accounts, the game was terrible.
“I thought we had a . . . game plan,” “said” Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, postgame. “Obviously, we didn’t . . . ”
‘Nuff said. Moving on.

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Posted on December 27, 2013