By Carl Mohrbacher

Primer
Hi there!
I’m Carl and this is a sports-themed column primarily focused on the Chicago Bears, one of nearly a dozen franchises that participate in the National Football League.
If you’ve read this column before, welcome back! And more importantly, what is wrong with you?
Why would you subject yourself to this nonsense a second time?
If you’re new to the BAOKAR, it’s very nice to meet you and thank you for reading.
I’d like to provide a couple of quick tips to help maximize the “fun” within our upcoming shared literary experience.

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Posted on September 17, 2015

By Carl Mohrbacher

Week 1: Bills quarterback E.J. Manuel silences critics of his new “Starter 4 Life” back tattoo by leading Buffalo to an improbable overtime win in Chicago, effectively dooming the Bears’ 2014 season.
Week 2: Defying a trend of epically historic proportions, the Bears coaching staff implements a defensive scheme in the hotel which allowed only five skill players to slip past hall monitors and participate in the all-night conga line at Male Tails Bar ‘N’ Rim.

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Posted on December 25, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Marred by controversy, the week leading up to the game featured an inside source claiming that the Bears offensive woes were largely the fault of quarterback Jay Cutler and ended with a coach crying in public.
In between, Bears offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer held a press conference.
Making the big news of Week 15 caddy intra-team sniping after a Thursday night loss to the Dallas Cowboys.
While Kromer categorically denied the use of the terms “buyer’s remorse,” or “salary cap albatross” or “cocksucker who’s cost every offensive coordinator he’s worked with a goddamn,” the damage was done.

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Posted on December 18, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Year-End Review
While it was one of the more frustrating seasons in recent memory, it wasn’t completely without its highlights.
Let’s take a minute to raise our glasses and salute the Chicago Bears for putting in another year of hard work. Here are the top ten moments of the 2014 season.
10. Chris Williams returns a kickoff 101 yards against the Packers in Week 10 to pull the Bears to within 60 in the fourth quarter . . .
. . . huh?
There are three more games?
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk.

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Posted on December 11, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

We’ve gotten to that time of the season where all television networks are obliged to display a graphic detailing which teams would be playoff-bound if the season were to end during Week 13, and which teams are “in the hunt.”
This digital display usually appears near the beginning of the broadcast; right after Fox analyst Moose Johnston’s “Keys To The Game” segment.
Fox then displays it again in the third quarter. And as though you had forgotten during the last 20 minutes, once more during the fourth.
Aaaaaand lastly, at the game’s conclusion the graphic is paraded out there again with updated standings coupled with hard hitting audio commentary like “at a record of 3-9, the G-Men are going have a difficult time making the playoffs in 2014.”

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Posted on December 4, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Inferior opponent, coach who makes terrible halftime adjustments, defense that plays some, uh, actual defense, Bears win!
Why can’t all teams be like the Buccaneers? Where, oh where can we find another NFL team that plays only one good half of the game?
Where can we find an incomplete team who every Sunday provides their fans with momentary flashes of brilliance that only punctuate the doldrums that are the other 35 minutes of the game?
Where (other than 40% of the league*), I ask you? Where?

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Posted on November 27, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Size Matters
Utilizing such exotic tools as human eyes and tape measures, Bears offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer discovered what he believed to be an edge during a late Saturday night film session, with a big assist from the Internet.
“Wait a minute,” muttered Kromer to himself as he watched a video titled ‘Inside The Film Room With Coach Zimmer’ on the website ‘vikings.com.’
The video that caught Kromer’s attention detailed the match-up problems that Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery present to opposing defense.
“We have two very tall men playing wide receiver . . . we have tall men . . . playing wide receiver!!!!”
Kromer quickly dialed head coach Marc Trestman.

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Posted on November 20, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Epic Performance
It was as if there had been a way to turn the difficulty down to “Grandma” on real life Madden 25 and the CPU opponent was the Bears.
Nearly as one-sided as they come, Sunday night produced an ass-whooping for the ages that featured some of the empirically worst pass coverage in NFL history.
The distance between Jordy Nelson and members of the Bears secondary ceased to be measured in yards in favor of units like “clicks” and “leagues.”

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Posted on November 14, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

Riding low on a two-game losing streak, the Bears head into the second half of the season searching for ways to make a playoff push plausible.
I’ve spent countless hours breaking down the near limitless ways that the NFC playoff picture can shake out over the remainder of the year.
Now I don’t want to get too technical, but mathematically speaking, the season has eight games remaining.
So, let’s see. Eight divided by four, carry the one, compensate for wind variance . . .
Ah, here we go. The Bears will have to win eight games to get back in the playoff picture.
For those of you who don’t have the ability to limbo under bullets*, I’ve distilled the complicated algorithms needed to see the possibilities of the multiverse into step-by step-instructions (see Figure A).

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Posted on November 6, 2014

By Carl Mohrbacher

News And NOOOOOOOOOtes
Cue the Michael Jackson, it’s officially bad.
Bad for the Bears anyway, but I’ve got some good news, so let’s take care of a little business before we get doing.
The marketing department has been diligently working towards monetizing our efforts and we’ve begun to have some success.
In addition to the blood and hair donations I’ve been making to the orphanage each week, we’re welcoming a select group of sponsors to this weekly segment.

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Posted on October 30, 2014