Chicago -
By Carl Mohrbacher
Though they kept it close, bad penalties and an inability to make big plays in the clutch prevented the Bears from a stunning upset of the Green Bay Packers in Lambeau last week.
Just when we thought that Jay Cutler had turned the corner, the Bears’ signal-caller was again plagued by bad turnovers in the key moments of the second half . . .
Hrrrrmmmm?
The Packers did all that stuff?
Whaaaaaaa?
Guuuuuuhhh?
Drrrrrrr???
Fapfapfapfap???
Posted on December 3, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Oh, how expectations have changed.
You needn’t look any further for evidence than the reaction of the average Bear fan following Sunday’s loss to the visiting Denver Broncos.
Fire John Fox.
Fire him.
Fire him NOW.
He undermined all of the confidence this team built the last eight weeks by going for it on fourth-and-goal. There were 10 minutes left.
Fire him.
Then re-hire him.
Then punch him in the balls.
Then fire him again.
It wasn’t always like this.
Let’s take a look at how our feelings have evolved following each of the season’s losses.
Posted on November 25, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
We’re No. 16! We’re No. 16!
As I said a few weeks back, the Bears are the best of the worst teams in the NFL.
Don’t believe me? Then you can talk to the 16-fingered foam hand.
Posted on November 18, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Pre-Game
Me: Ugh. Monday night game. Guess we should cut down on the sauce. Got work tomorrow.
Mrs. Wifey: Suck it up dude. If Jon Gruden says “this guy” before one more dude’s name, we have to drink a bottle of wine.
Me: One of these day’s he’s going to call Lisa Salters “this guy Lisa,” and on that day we’ll do heroin. But tonight, I better change the channel, what with the mortgage and all. If we get started now . . .
Mrs. Wifey (opening a bottle of wine): Oh, you don’t like your job that much (pours two glasses). And Gruden just called Mike Tirico “this guy Mike.” Bottoms up.
Posted on November 12, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Week 8 Recap
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Week 9: 10 Reasons To Watch
There are plenty of reasons to feel down about the last two weeks, what with the losing, the injuries to key players, the bad tackling, the terrible special teams play. I repeat, GOOOOOOO!!!
I mean, “boo.” Damn you autocorrect.
But what really grinds my gears is . . .
[Editor’s Note: It gets a little racist for about a paragraph. For those of you who read the piece before the “Top 10 Reasons That The Kolufo Tribe Are Scum” section was removed, we apologize. Please know that Carl’s opinions do not reflect the views of the Beachwood Reporter and we respect your right to conduct interclan warfare on the basis of a suspicion of witchcraft.]
. . . and the notion that you give conjugal preference to your great uncle’s daughter in polygymous marriage is, at best, a dick move practiced by a real bunch of fuck-wits.
As I was saying, rather than spend more time discussing what went wrong, let’s explore some reasons to invest your time in the 2015 Bears.
Posted on November 5, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
NFL Fever – Catch It! Whatever That Means
Seemingly each NFL season brings at least one instance of a Detroit Lion receiver involved in a play that forces us to study, question, ignore or amend the NFL rulebook on the fly.
This year, the Lions have provided the world a couple flavors of end zone weirdness, and Week 6’s occurrence may have cost the Bears a shot at . . . nothing.
Posted on October 28, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Good news everybody! The AFC has a team nearly as banged up as the Bears and better yet, they’re massive underachievers!
It was a nice victory for the Chicago Bears and their wide receiving corps of taxi squad recruits.
Given the number of injuries the Bears’ offense has sustained, victory was likely contingent on a thus-far unknown player emerging, seizing the opportunity and shining on the national stage.
Would Marquess Wilson, Bill Bellamy or Burgess Meredith capture the hearts of Chicagoans?
Or would crappy late-game play doom this season to a four-month run of uninterrupted shitness*?
Posted on October 14, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
The Agony Of Victory
Aw crap, the Bears just gave everyone hope.
I know it was a fun game and you want to get excited again, but all I can say is: don’t.
Just . . . don’t.
But Cutler came back and the offense looked semi-functional!
Don’t.
Posted on October 8, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Pee Yew “N” “T”
Busy day for starting punter Pat O’Donnell, who successfully kicked the ball away from Jimmy Clausen in every Bears offensive series.
In case you missed the game, congratulations on your exciting day of yardwork, tax prep, abortion, or any of the other activities that were more entertaining than the process of watching last Sunday’s contest in Seattle.
Posted on October 1, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Ouch . . . My Hamstring
In a game that felt like the Arizona Cardinals won 51-17, the Arizona Cardinals won 48-23. A demoralizing afternoon in which the Bears not only lost the contest, but their number one receiver (prior to) and their number one quarterback (during) the game.
And that one really would have hurt if Arizona offensive coordinator Harold Goodwin hadn’t called (effective) passing plays well into the last two minutes of the game despite an insurmountable lead . . .
Oh.
At this point I’m confident in saying that Bruce Arians was having a little fun at the expense of this franchise after losing out on the Bears head coaching job to Marc Trestman in 2013.
Posted on September 23, 2015
