Chicago -
By Carl Mohrbacher
Well, that was fun while it lasted.
Oh who am I kidding. This hasn’t been fun and it hasn’t lasted all that long.
That said, there’s plenty to discuss.
It seems in the absence of a compelling season, we’ve got a quarterback controversy to sort out here in Chicago.
Since Jay Cutler’s thumb wasn’t entirely severed from the rest of his throwing hand, it stands to reason that:
Posted on October 13, 2016
By Carl Mohrbacher
If we keep up this torrid one-home-victory-per-calendar-year pace, the Cubs may lay claim to a World Series title before the Bears win another game at Soldier Field, so savor every victory as much as you can.
Possession Play
“I thought our offense did a good job of possessing the ball,” said Head Coach John Fox during an interview with Bears.com senior reporter, Larry Mayer.
“Lack of possession had been an issue through the first three weeks,” said Mayer. “What adjustments did [Offensive Coordinator Dowell] Loggains make after the loss to Dallas?”
“As a staff,” said Fox, in an effort to undercut the notion that Dowell Loggains can achieve anything alone, “we took a look at a number of things to try and improve in that area. Play selection is a big part of it,” he continued in his usual monotone, but rapid fire cadence.
“Ultimately we decided that it was time to get some outside help and hired Sinestra, the Mistress Of The Void, to help us possess the ball more effectively.”
Posted on October 6, 2016
By Carl Mohrbacher
The Bears really need to do me a solid and put together a couple games that are either 100% good football or 100% bad football, because at this rate I expect to run out of snappy opening titles by Week 6.
There wasn’t a lot to like about Monday’s 31-17 loss in Dallas, but aside from the continued high-level play of linebacker Jerrell Freeman, there were a few positive takeaways to be seen if you squinted hard enough.
Posted on September 29, 2016
By Carl Mohrbacher
As in, “Awwwww! That’s cute! You guys think you’re a professional football team!”
For the second week in a row, the Bears seemed to have something cooking in the first half only to come out of the locker room for the second half and show us that whatever was on the stove causes diarrhea.
Posted on September 22, 2016
By Carl Mohrbacher
With the momentum snatched and slated to receive the second-half kickoff, the Bears found themselves nicely positioned to break the hearts of their most Kool-Aid guzzling fans.
C’mon. Some of you were quietly rooting for Connor Barth to shank a last second kick.
Good news, everyone! It never came to that because the offense opted to hang back in the locker room after the conclusion of the second quarter, presumably to escape the Houston heat.
But look, we’re not here to talk about the past . . .
Posted on September 15, 2016
By Carl Mohrbacher
Holy crap, you guys! Welcome back!
It’s been eight long months and the only thing left on Earth that can hold people’s attention for seven hours at a time has returned to television!
No, it’s not your children! Because dance recitals are bullshit!
No, it’s not porn! Because of chafing!
Say it with me!
Posted on September 8, 2016
By Carl Mohrbacher
Coming off of a string of demoralizing losses, the only real reason to tune into a Bears game at this juncture is to find out what kind of fight the 2015 squad has left in them.
Apparently, quite a bit.
The Bucs presented two major mismatches with Mike Evans at wide receiver and Doug Martin in the backfield.
I can only assume Bears defensive coordinator Vic Fangio drew from the wisdom I provided in last week’s column to design a winning defensive scheme.
[Editor’s Note: Did that “wisdom” appear before or after you introduced a character named Stan “The Herpes Outbreak” Stanton?]
Posted on December 30, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Deflated, planar, procumbent, supine, prone.
In other words: flat.
By the end of Sunday’s first half, the Bears had reverted from an undermanned but competitive squad to a team so listless and uninspired that they looked less like a football team and more like the “Welcome” mat placed before the pedestal that will one day support the bronze bust of Teddy Bridgewater’s head in Canton.
Posted on December 24, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Step Five: Acceptance
It has not been a great 14 days for Robbie Gould. During that span, the All-Pro has missed three field goals which, if made, would have propelled the Bears into the playoff contention.
I mean, if you consider being two games out of the last playoff spot with three to play “contention.”
“But dude,” you say in the voice like that of the Goonies monster, “if Gould makes those field goals, the Bears are 7-6 and are playing the team ahead of them in the standings this week. They would’ve been right there!”
Posted on December 17, 2015
By Carl Mohrbacher
Bizarro* Bears
Last Sunday’s game featured a topsy-turvy inversion of what we’ve come to expect of the 2015 Bears.
Kick returns were solid and consistently put the offense in good field position.
Colin Kaepernick’s seemingly less mobile backup torched the Chicago defense for a late, game-tying score.
Jay Cutler threw a pick six.
Robbie Gould failed on two field goal attempts including the chip shot final play of regulation.
Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
Posted on December 10, 2015
