By Eric Emery

Last week I picked Tampa Bay strictly hoping I’d get to say, “I told you so.” This week I get to say, “I told you so.” How do you like them apples?
Post-game sports radio provided some comic relief, most of which centered on the defense and the coaching staff. Akin to punching one’s arm to help them forget about their headache, Bears fans shifted their ire from Grossman to the poor defensive play. Clearly, both the defense and coaching staff took the second half off last week.
Given that the Bears play the lowly Detroit Lions this week, chances are the Bears defense will need something to occupy their minds in the second half. Here are some ideas for ways the defense can keep their minds engaged:
Recount whereabouts from the last week. Commit to memory where you’ve been in the last seven days. Practice your answers for police interviews later.

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Posted on December 20, 2006

By Eric Emery

Many tout the value of competition, saying that such pursuits build character. That sounds good, but then I think about playing in pick-up basketball games with my fellow thirtysomethings. You’ll never meet a bigger set of whiners, cheap-shot artists, and ill-tempered ballhogs in your life. And I’m part of the problem.
See, I disliked being benched my senior year. Pathetic as it sounds, somehow those old frustrations buried deep in my soul come out on the court. And in my sick mind, the next three-pointer erases what happened 16 years ago. A lot of guys out there can relate.
Believe it or not, though, some parallels exist between my fellow crappy basketball players and this year’s edition of the Bears.

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Posted on December 14, 2006

By Eric Emery

If you’ve learned anything the past two weeks, it’s that Rex Is Our Quarterback and This Is Our Country. See, if you follow the formula “[Unappealing Noun/Pronoun] Is Our [Noun of Great Importance],” the unappealing becomes tolerable.
– Iraq is Our World War II.
– Bush is Our Commander-in-Chief.
– Lionel Richie is Our Most Important Export.
– 1.3 is Our Quarterback’s Rating.
– Poor Play is Our Way to the Super Bowl.
– The CTA is Our Most Reliable Public Transit System.
– Wire-Tapping is Our Best Way To Protect Your Liberty.

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Posted on December 7, 2006

By Eric Emery

The Kool-Aid Nation is in a state of obsession over what to do about Rex Grossman. There are two schools of thought.
1. The Bears are 9-2. Even if Grossman played the next five games with his pants around his ankles, the Bears still get home field advantage. He just might not be called Sexy Rexy anymore. This is also known as The Orton Plan of Just Managing The Game.
2. Brian Griese sure looks sexy – but in a non-threatening way. This is also known as The Orton Plan of Just Managing The Game. Where is Trent Dilfer when you need him?
Remote Viewing
The Tribune discovered this week that a lot of Bears fans go to electronics stores to watch the games. This is hardly news – married men have been using this technique for decades. What’s next, a trend story about men going to Home Depot to escape mundane duties at . . . home?
Electronics stores aren’t the only places to go to watch the game when you have to get out of the house or pretend you are shopping or running errands. Here are a few more.
Hospitals: Check yourself into a single room with a TV and order in a pizza. Instant access to medical care hen you develop a bleeding ulcer after Rex Grossman’s third interception.

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Posted on November 29, 2006

By Eric Emery

Thanksgiving: Perhaps the only holiday in which we cover all seven deadly sins. Eat and sleep. Brag and become jealous. Hoard the mashed potatoes and whine that Uncle Ken ate all the stuffing. Granted, lust is hard to work into this family-centered holiday. That is why we have FOX.
Thanksgiving is also my favorite holiday. And now I will defile it by matching a Bears player with my favorite Thanksgiving fare.
Turkey: Brian Urlacher. Clearly, Urlacher is the centerpiece of the Bears. Just listen to any telecast, and they will marvel at his grandeur. But as the year goes on, turkey becomes tiresome – turkey sandwiches, turkey stew, turkey shakes. By the throes of winter, the turkey becomes dry and rubbery. The turkey has become overexposed, and you want something else. Like baseball season.
Gravy: The schedule. Gravy is the MVP on any Thanksgiving plate. It solves everything that sucks – turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and cranberry sauce. The Bears’ schedule is this season’s gravy. When the Bears appear like the mushrooms in the green bean casserole, the good ‘ol schedule saves the day.
Baked Beans: Rex Grossman. Sometimes sweet, sometimes spicy, sometimes laden with bacon (mankind’s best invention), baked beans start out as a symphony for the taste buds. They don’t end that way, though. They end up stinking.

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Posted on November 22, 2006

By Eric Emery

The further along we get in this Bears-infested season, the more desperately those of us outside the Kool-Aid Nation need to support each other. Here are some guidelines to help you if you are forced to watch the Bears with Bears fans.
1. Come with gifts. Sure, last week I gifted the 12-pack Ken left at my house two weeks earlier. This re-gift is appropriate and appreciated in guy-dom. The extra bag of BBQ chips softened him up.
2. Allow Bears fans time for pre-game hubris. A wise person once said, “You cannot reason with the unreasonable.” Allow Bears fans time to say things like “This game is over early” and “Urlacher sits at the right hand of God.” Remembering these quotes for later. And later will arrive – one of these weeks.
3. Prepare talking points. Both kinds.
a) Facts. Gather general information about the Bears. For instance, mentally note recent running backs who have run for more than a hundred yards against the Bears. Note Rex Grossman’s quarterback rating on the road. Commit to memory Bears wins vs. teams with winning records. That one’s easy.
b) Insults. Mix in standards like, “Wow, nice Urlacher jersey. For a moment, I thought you were Urlacher was right here until I noticed there where 10 other Urlachers here,” with obscurities such as ” What a mistake by Jason McKie. Put in the backup!”

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Posted on November 15, 2006

By Eric Emery

I’m not a big sports radio guy, but the post-game commisserating after last week’s stunning loss to the Dolphins was comedy gold.
Now that the Bears are embarking on a three-game road trip that could result in a four-game losing streak, though, we’d like to better prepare the Kool-Aid Nation for what lies ahead.
Here, then, is our six-step primer on How To Perform The Angry Sports Radio Call:

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Posted on November 9, 2006

By Eric Emery

I watched very little football this weekend. How do you write about something you know nothing about? I polled the Kool-Aid Nation. Here is their report.
First Quarter
* Bears return opening kickoff 242 yards, setting a record in return yards and also becoming the first team to collectively tear the space-time continuum. (Bears 7 – 49ers 0)
* Forty-Niners start their first drive from their own 20-yard line with a handoff to Frank Gore. Tommie Harris literally draws and quarters Gore, causing a fumble which he then returns for a touchdown. Harris feels bad about ending Gore’s life and sits out the rest of the game. (Bears 14 – 49ers 0)
* Bears kicker Robbie Gould kicks a 41-yard field goal. Gould actually missed the kick at first but the ball traveled around the world and sailed through the uprights on its second pass. (Bears 17- 49ers 0)

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Posted on November 4, 2006

By Eric Emery

Loyal readers of The Beachwood Reporter understand two things: Our government feeds us crap and our local print media turns the crap into “crap-aid”. For the loyal readers of the Beachwood, this does not need to be pointed out. This just proves some things need not be pointed out. Yet in the world of sports radio (and print media), the obvious becomes so commonplace that we all become stupid in the process.
We all have coping mechanisms. The Reporter news staff copes by trudging through the slop in Chicago’s print media, with the hope of bringing truth to light. When it comes to sports radio, I take the opposite view – I ignore it.
Like an alcoholic eager to show he has solved his problem by going to bars and not drinking, I find myself slowly pulling into the sports radio stupidity to prove I’m immune to it. So on my way home from work, I’ve been listening to Steve Dahl lately.

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Posted on October 25, 2006

By Eric Emery

Perhaps the Kool-Aid Nation should wait for the results against the Patriots, Jets, and Giants before engaging in all this Super Bowl talk. The Nation should know better; it is here in Chicago where we’ve pioneered wishing for the best, but expecting the worst. Everybody seems to want the Bears to go 242-0. I’m not sure, but I think I heard Tony Kornheiser say on Monday night, “If Lovie Smith was hired to cure cancer, how fast would he do it?”

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Posted on October 19, 2006