By Eric Emery

Drugs, guns, strip clubs, pit bulls, and DUIs – it must be the NFL off-season!
Mini-camp can’t come soon enough for league officials hoping to drown out the bad news with feel-good stories about eccentric kickers and All-American quarterbacks who help old ladies across the street, but there’s plenty more hijinks to be accomplished before training camp kicks in. Here’s what we see in our Cristal ball.
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Player:Pacman Jones.
Alleged Vices: Strip Clubs Fights and Friends with Guns.
What’s Next: Opens chain of strip clubs called “Strip, Scrap, and Strap.” Puts all your lap dance, bar brawl and gunfight needs under one roof.
Player: Tank Johnson.
Alleged Vices: Night Clubs, Speeding, Guns, Pit Bulls, and The Slightest Degree of Impairment.
What’s Next: Signs with Cops as the reccurring character “Guy Police Get to Berate for Being Exceedingly Stupid.”

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Posted on June 26, 2007

By Eric Emery

If you survived ESPN’s 837 hours of coverage over the weekend, you discovered that nothing is more captivating to teams and pundits alike than draft day trades; nothing except the humiliation of an overdressed dork who still can’t win the big one, that is.
The Beloved, however, held on to Angry Lance Briggs, the Bear Most Likely To Be Traded going into the weekend, and instead merely swapped one higher draft pick for a bevy of lesser ones.
Pity. Here are some other trades the Bears should have made this weekend:
Trade: A package of draft picks to acquire Oklahoma RB Adrian Peterson.
Benefit: Allows unknowledgeable Bears fans to accidentally know the name of two Bears running backs when they think they just know one.
Drawback: Gives Bears play-by-play announcer Jeff Joniak a reason to yell “Adrian Peterson Number Two. . . TOUCHDOWN BEARSSSSSS!”
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Trade: Bears front office for Chicago 2016 Olympic Committee front office.
Benefit: Olympics will come in under budget with outstanding results.
Drawback: Next free agent signed by the Bears will receive a 12-year, $1 billion contract.

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Posted on April 30, 2007

By Eric Emery

As the day progressed, it became clear that the Kool-Aid Nation was to experience heartbreak. Here are a few notable items and the times they occurred:
4:10 PM: Third person arrives at party with “2006 NFC Champions” shirt. Bears fans must already know this is the last championship they will win this year.
4:35 PM: A friend and I peruse Vegas’s Super Bowl proposition bets. Party member looks for “Number of times Phil Simms stumbles over himself,” but finds nothing. Vegas knows it could never set the line high enough.
5:30 PM: Billy Joel sings National Anthem. I look for “Number of shots consumed by Bill Joel before singing the National Anthem,” but I also find nothing. Same reason, I guess.
5:35:01 PM: Everybody (but me) starts singing “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” after Hester kick off return.
5:35:05 PM: Everybody starts realizing they don’t know all of the words to “Bear Down, Chicago Bears.”

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Posted on February 5, 2007

By Eric Emery

Dos and Donts to keep in mind while the Bears proceed to win the Super Bowl on Sunday.
* DO remain in close contact your fellow Bears fans from now until game time. Even the bandwagon fans. This is a time for goodwill toward all.
* DO NOT contact any Colts fans you may know. They live in Indiana.
* DO purchase an insane amount of alcohol. You cannot overdo it.
* DO NOT consume all that alcohol before game time without restocking.

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Posted on January 30, 2007

By Eric Emery

For the past few days, I have tried to wrap my head around this year’s Super Bowl match-up. Just how, for example, did the Bears even land in the Super Bowl? Did they consistently dominate their opponents? Yes, for the first five weeks. Did they play great defense? Sometimes. Did they get great play out of their quarterback? As much as they did not.
The Colts provide even fewer answers. Where did their suddenly competent run defense come from? Where has Marvin Harrison gone? Why does Peyton Manning express sadness in a commercial that a former coach of his introduced him to Rock and Roll? Was that a bad thing? And what’s with the cheesy mustache get-up?
Simply put, I’ve been having trouble making sense of it all. That is, I was having trouble until Friday night.

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Posted on January 27, 2007

By Eric Emery

Clearly, many readers have waited for this moment. Watching the Bears advance to the Super Bowl wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying without sending all those “Would you like crow with that?” e-mails. So let me say one thing: I was wrong.
Results don’t lie.
Now, some people might say that the Bears excelled in a weak conference, and in an even weaker division. Still others might point at the Bears’ incredibly weak schedule. Some might even point to the team’s horseshit play in the final four regular season games, and that first playoff squeaker against a mediocre Seahawks squad.
Heck, some might even say that Sunday’s game was more about the Saints’ inability to take care of the ball than the Bears stopping their offense. Though the Saints played up to their ability for roughly seven minutes, the Bears offense or special teams failed to play a complete game. The Bears offense converted early mistakes into field goals instead of touchdowns. Even though these people will say what they want to say, the scoreboard reads 39-14. The Bears travel to Miami.

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Posted on January 22, 2007

By Eric Emery

In some ways, Sunday left me a shell of a man. Certainly, I expected the Bears to win, but I thought they would do so in a more dominating fashion. Then my bandwagon team, the Chargers, made a mess in their pants. And after the games, 60 Minutes broadcast an interview with President Bush. What a crappy day.

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Posted on January 16, 2007

By Eric Emery

The moment we’ve been waiting for is at hand. The question on everyone’s mind will finally be answered: Will the Bears soil themselves at home again and be one-and-done, or will they progress by waiting to soil themselves next week?
I refuse to force my Christian tradition upon you, so I refuse to ask the question “What Would Jesus Do?” Then again, if we ask “What Would Ditka Do?”, Ditka might shine His light upon thee and grant you peace. Let’s face it, He is the last person that got you to the Promised Land. So . . . What Would Ditka Do?
Manage Grossman. As a quarterback, it’s important to get the ball in the hands of your playmakers. For the Bears to win, Grossman needs to hand off the ball three times, let Brad Maynard punt, and thus get the ball into the hands of the Bears’ playmakers – Devin Hester and the defense.
Tank Perry. Give Tank Johnson the ball on the goal line and tell him to run as if the cops are after him.

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Posted on January 10, 2007

By Eric Emery

A friend who is now sporting a blue-and-orange Kool-Aid mustache recently told me, “This is the wrong year to be a Bears hater.”
Really?
This begs the question: Why should somebody like the Bears?
This year is only one year in a stored tradition of stinking. There are plenty of reasons to hate the Bears – even this year.
Messes of the Midway. In the last 40 years, the Bears are 298-310-2. They have just 14 winning seasons, reached the playoffs just 12 times, and compiled a 7-11 playoff record. They have one Super Bowl victory. That’s just one more than the Cardinals have over the same stretch of time. In other words, Ditka 1, Dennis Green 0.
Ditka. Without Ditka. the Bears are 192-248 over the last 40 years. Only a team as historically mediocre as the Bears could make Mike Ditka a legend.
The Fridge. In the last 40 years, the Bears fielded four undisputed outstanding players: Gale Sayers, Dick Butkus, Walter Payton, and Mike Singletary. William Perry has one more Super Bowl TD than all of them.

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Posted on January 4, 2007

By Eric Emery

We arrived at my in-law’s on Christmas Day to the smell of roughly seven different appetizers. I know this sounds like a cliche, but in this Italian household we spend a good amount of time eating and drinking. It should be noted my in-laws are not the fake Italians who eat at Olive Garden and profess their love of the movie “Rocky.” Almost all of my wife’s relatives grew up in Italy and emigrated to America later in life.
Since many of the younger folks speak only English or limited Italian, and the older folks speak a Sicilian-Italian dialect, communication becomes difficult at times. And my father-in-law is a man of few words. But on holidays, he shines. It’s tradition to toast each other through rhymes. Called “brindisi,” a person makes a toast to another, using their name in the three-line rhyme. Sometimes heart-felt or funny, the “brindisi” ends with you drinking alcohol.
Without a doubt, my father-in-law is the champion of the “brindisi.” On most holidays, my father-in-law breaks out two or three. This year, my brother-in-law busted out a few. All of a sudden, the “brindisi” turned into one big drinking game where everybody tried to out-do each other.
Finally, after four hours, a couple folks started stumbling around. Before we all passed out, we quit the “brindisi” to open presents. Being in the holiday spirit, the experience inspired me to write some “brindisi” toasts for the Bears
1. Every season after the next
Da Bears choke in the playoffs
You can expect the same with Rex
2. Da Bears field many navy blue knockers
Injuries plaque the defense one after the other
Perhaps they can clone ten more Urlachers
3. “Don’t worry, don’t have any fits
Never frown or speak critically”
Is that Dusty or Lovie Smith?

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Posted on December 28, 2006