By Eric Emery

Philly exhibited their two-minute “statue defense” and allowed the Bears to rally last week. To their credit, the Bears showed heart in the closing seconds of the game. Now at 3-4, the Bears are at the dreaded crossroads. Two Chicago teams met at that same crossroads earlier this year: the White Sox and the Cubs. One team went on to fail in mythic proportions. The other team went on a huge winning streak and then hung on for dear life until it failed in mythic proportions.
So the question is: Are this year’s Bears the Cubs or the White Sox? Let’s take a look.
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Cubs:
* Team starts out losing with wrong personnel; lineup changes lead the way to victory.
* Mike Brown equals Mark Prior. You know why.
* Bernard Berrian equals Michael Barrett. Neither can catch anymore.
* Kyle Orton equals Glendon Rusch. Just because.
* Cedric Benson equals Steve Trachsel. Both are too slow to the target.

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Posted on October 26, 2007

By Eric Emery

During last week’s Bears game, one Fox broadcaster compared the Bears running game this year against last year’s after five games. The commentator surmised the Bears will be fine since in both instances, the Bears showed little success running the ball! He was right to a point, though – the point where you ignore the strength of schedule through five games, the play at quarterback (remember when Sexy Rexy was Very Sexy?), and the quality of defensive play and what that meant for both field position and the actual score.
At the end of the day, the only one statistic matters: Your team scores more points than the other team. But if you’re a Bears fan, you are frantically reading tea leaves and forever breaking the Bears down to miscroscopic levels. We’ll help out.
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Key Stat: The Bears are fourth-place in the NFC North.
Significance: There are only four teams in the NFC North.
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Key Stat: The Bears are fourth in the NFC in the statistic “worst record”.
Significance: The Bears are in ninth-place in the wild-card race.
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Key Stat: The Bears rank 20th in points-scored at 19.7/game.
Significance: Imagine if Devin Hester was not ridiculous.

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Posted on October 19, 2007

By Eric Emery

If you want to feel stupid, watch an NFL pre-game show. Just before ESPN’s show zapped my will to live, I watched a segment that gave certain teams “First quarter grades,” now that most teams have completed a quarter of their regular season. My brain imploded under the weight of stupidity after Keyshawn Johnson handed out an “F+”. A little better than absolutely brutal? A bit greater than pathetic? A step above worthless? Is it that hard to choose between a D- and an F?
Speaking of which, here are my first-quarter grades for the Bears.
Offense: After a rough start, the Bears finally admitted their problem: They were spending too much time each week defending Rex Grossman and not enough time getting another third-rate quarterback ready for their next game. Now they have to get over their apparent enjoyment of watching Cedric Benson run up to the line and stop. Sometime this year, we’ll see Benson remove his mask to reveal that he is in fact Curtis Enis.
Grade: H (for Hopeless)

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Posted on October 12, 2007

By Eric Emery

Last weekend I traveled to Madison, Wisconsin to experience the Green & Gold Kool-Aid. It’s not quite the same as the Blue & Orange. Let’s break it down:
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Fashion Errors
Blue & Orange: The occasional black belt with brown shirt.
Green & Gold: Man with frosted tips. Different man with mullet.
Advantage: Blue & Orange. Fashion errors less ostentatious. Plus, a real Bears fan doesn’t look at another fan’s belt.
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High Fives
Blue & Orange: Not usually. We’re too busy keeping our hands on our wallets
Green & Gold: Often. Mostly after executing a 3rd-and-short.
Advantage: Blue & Orange. It’s good to have money in the wallet.

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Posted on October 5, 2007

By Eric Emery

After the Bears’ 34-10 drubbing at the hands of Dallas, the Kool-Aid Nation centered their thoughts around one mantra: “It could be worse.” Well, technically, only two things are worse than their current record: 0-3 and 0-2-1. I’m not one to piss on the Kool-Aid Nation’s parade, though. Rather, allow me to help list the things that are non-technically worse than a 1-2 record.
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After a night of drinking, you crash your car. Thankfully, the cops seem to forget to ask you why you left the accident scene.
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You ask your spouse for “tickets for the big game;” you get home opener tickets for the Blackhawks.
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You get to speak to a packed house at an Ivy League school. Unfortunately, your name is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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Posted on September 28, 2007

By Eric Emery

Clearly, Devin Hester is ridiculous. Of course, we only see His ridiculousness on Sunday. What about the rest of the week? Let’s say that Hester works in mysterious ways.
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Sunday: Hester creates light. Hester divides light from darkness. Hester scores.
Monday: On Sunday, Hester was good. So on Monday, Hester rests.
Tuesday: Hester divides the water from above from the water below. The water from above is called Heaven. This is where Hester builds his many mansions. The water from below is called Hell. This is where Michael Vick lives.

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Posted on September 21, 2007

By Eric Emery

In roughly a month, Drew Carey debuts as the new host of The Price is Right. Carey is famously a Browns fan. If he was a Bears fan, he might make these slight adjustments to TPiR’s games.
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Now . . . and Then: Compare key rushing statistics and determine if the Bears top back is Cedric Benson (now) or Thomas Jones (then).
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East of Edens: Estimate the blood-alcohol level, speed of car, or number of lies told by Tank Johnson without going over.
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Lucky 7: Make contestants determine whether the figure behind the screen is the Adrian Peterson who had more than seven yards per touch or the Adrian Peterson who had a seven-carry, one-fumble performance.

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Posted on September 14, 2007

By Eric Emery

The life cycle of a Bears season.
Stage 1: A whole lot of noise precedes a little action.
The process begins every April. For roughly 12 hours, fans watching ESPN moan, scream, swear and cheer each pick their team makes in the NFL draft. Chris Berman also works up a sweat and after all this Kama Sutraesque verbal action, the proceedings generate seven little draft picks, looking for an egg to fertilize.

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Posted on September 7, 2007

By Eric Emery

I’ve heard commentators describe the pre-season this year as “a dress rehearsal for the regular season” so many times that I thought I was watching a high school play. And then I figured it out: Even our football analysts have High School Musical 2 on the brain.
And now, so do I.
Let’s do a little casting.
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Performer: Lovie Smith
HSM2 Role: Ryan Evans
Pro: Used to dealing with drama queens.
Con: Weak improvisational skills.

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Posted on August 31, 2007

By Eric Emery

Last week, I postulated that as Americans, we enjoy being right. This week, I tackle a new existential question: How do we quantify a seemingly subjective phenomenon – such as the Bears’ chances this season?
Fortunately, I’m the lucky holder of a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, and as such fully capable of writing up a scientifically valid survey. In conjunction with Beachwood Laboratories, I present: “A Search for Sugar Self-Discovery: How Much Sugar is in My Blue and Orange Kool-Aid?”

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Posted on August 24, 2007