By Eric Emery

I finally followed through with a lifelong dream (if had been alive for only the last two years): Go see a game at Soldier Field. With friends Darren from L.A., Shannon the Dolphins fan, and Melissa the friend of Darren, I attended my first game at the spaceship. Did I have fun? Did Bears fans Darren and Melissa offer Shannon and I to a mob of raving Bears fans? How are the bratwursts with sauerkraut? Here is my game report.
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Travel to the Soldier Field
* We drove from northwest fucking suburban Chicago to Melissa’s place, a scant three blocks from Soldier Field. Traffic was very light. We expected a crowd reminiscent of an April game at U.S. Cellular.
* We arrive at Melissa’s earlier than expected. We discover parking for $40. Fuck you, Bears, we have a parking pass! Suck it!
* My breakfast: Coffee before leaving. A beer at Melissa’s. While I’m in the bathroom, I grind up a Lipitor for easy snorting. I need the medication to act fast.

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Posted on January 4, 2008

By Eric Emery

So the Bears broke against conventional wisdom and crushed a superior team last week. Could anybody really say that they saw that coming? Perhaps the Bears need 40 mph winds, -1 degrees of wind chill, a third-string QB, and a losing record to play their best. Perhaps the Bears ought to take their unconventional formula further. Here are a few suggestions.
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1. Tell offensive linemen the snap-count is 30 seconds later than it really is.
2. Require the defense to attend weekly sex-ed classes.
3. Use Devin Hester out of the backfield, duh!

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Posted on December 28, 2007

By Eric Emery

With only a few days remaining, many people try to escape the ninth level of hell that is Christmas shopping. You’d be surprised to know that the friends and relatives of the Chicago Bears are no different. Here are some suggestions for those who have a Bear in need of a stocking stuffer.
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Rex Grossman
Gift: A roll of double sided tape.
Why: Not only cuts down on fumbles, but dramatically reduces the number of passes he is able to throw.
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Cedric Benson
Gift: One-way plane ticket to New York City.
Why: Playing for the Jets will make Thomas Jones look good again while once again creating the illusion that he, too, is a viable starter in the NFL.
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Bernard Berrian
Gift: Collection of David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists.
Why: Makes Berrian realize that he does not appear on any Top Ten list.

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Posted on December 21, 2007

By Eric Emery

Now that the Bears season is lost, you may be finding it hard to get excited about watching the remaining games, even if Kyle Orton will be on display like a circus freak. But oh my funny, fuzzy Bear fans, you’re forgetting about our good friend alcohol. Here’s a Bears drinking game to enhance these last few weeks of Letdown ’07.
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Pregame Prep
Step one: Get fellow Bears fans of legal drinking age.
Step two: Get one case of beer per person. I recommend Hamm’s, since it had a bear as a mascot.
Step three: Elect a “referee”. Some of the rules will require some interpretation.
The Rules
Drink beer each time the following occurs.
Brian Urlacher
* Drink once for every Urlacher tackle.
* Drink once each every time broadcasters say “Arthritic back”, “off-year”, or “humps everything that moves.”
* Chug if announcer says “Urlacher is still the best linebacker in the NFL.”
Rex Grossman
* Drink once for every shot of him on sidelines.
* Drink once more if he is smiling.
* Drink once more if it appears he is not paying attention to the game.
* Chug if announcer says “Grossman is still the Bears’ quarterback of the future.”

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Posted on December 14, 2007

By Eric Emery

Late last week, I received an e-mail from a friend casting doubt on my Bears prediction (Chicago plus 2). One thing led to another, and we bet 12 boneless chicken wings on the game. I’m not bringing this up because I made the wrong pick (which I do on a regular basis). I’m mentioning it because this person is a Bears fan, yet he was betting against the Bears. At home. Against a vulnerable opponent. In a must-win game.
New rule: When a fan bets against their own team, that fan is not allowed to bet for their team for the remainder of the season. Here are some more betting rules.
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Sucker Bet: The Bears sticking with what works – like the hurry-up offense and using throwing to its dynamic duo of tight ends.
Sure Bet: Insisting on game plans not best suited to the talent at hand.
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Sucker Bet: The Bulls or Bears going for a second consecutive win.
Safe Bet: Against the Bulls or Bears going for a second consecutive win.
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Sucker Bet: Lovie Smith’s personnel wishes (Bob Babich, Adam Archuleta) vs. Jerry Angelo’s best instincts.
Safe Bet: The Bears amazing failure to draft the right running back.

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Posted on December 6, 2007

By Eric Emery

Here is the deal with bad ideas: you’d think people would have the good sense to avoid them. After a quick check of the stats before the Denver game, one finds that Devin Hester leads the team in TDs. That’s noteworthy for a RB or WR, but crazy for somebody who excels in a facet least known for scoring. When your starting QB has fewer TD passes than a Return Specialist, perhaps the squib kick is your best option. To quote Clint Eastwood in Magnum Force, a man’s got to know his limitations.
Just in case it needs to be said again: Don’t kick to Devin Hester and don’t do any of the following either.
* Start a land war in Asia or the Middle East during the winter. Or without an exit plan.
* When running for President, address Hillary Clinton as “The Honorable Skank from New York.”
* Play the song “Dominic the Donkey” even if you’re trying to get the song stuck in somebody else’s head.

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Posted on November 29, 2007

By Eric Emery

My first job out of college: Drug and alcohol abuse counselor in the state of Wisconsin. Talk about an uphill battle. It’s probably easier to be a dictation coach for W. In the course of talking with those in the system, we’d state that it’s important to replace the behaviors associated with using drugs and alcohol with new behaviors. Here’s the problem: Gardening and stamp collecting failed to hold the excitement of those who did things like break into houses or start bar fights.
This advice does work, though, for a fan base hitting rock bottom. Here are the most common Kool-Aid Nation behaviors, and recommended replacement behaviors.
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Current Behavior: Yelling at the TV.
Replacement Behavior: Redirect anger to your dysfunctional family.
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Current Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Bears column written by local sportswriters.
Replacement Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Cubs column written by local sportswriters.

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Posted on November 23, 2007

By Eric Emery

The Bears have finally figured out the offensive formula that works for them: Keeping it simple. Brian Griese is too complicated to be the Bears’ quarterback; he’s a thinker, and he knows the entire playbook. Rex Grossman knows how to win with one quick strike and go home. One-dimensional is the name of the game. Just look at Cedric Benson. I think the Bears like how he just runs into the line and falls down. Don’t get too fancy. Let the defense do its thing.
And can everyone get off Brian Urlacher’s case? One-word answers suit him. Stop filling his head with complete sentences. Simple, people. Keep it simple. That’s the Bears way.

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Posted on November 16, 2007

By Eric Emery

If you’re a Bears fan, there’s something you realize about halfway through each season: Math stinks. To make the playoffs, you need at least nine wins. So at the least, the Bears need to win six of their last eight to have a chance. And at that point, you might as well mail in the season because the Bears would be entering the playoffs as the sixth seed. The only team that parlays the sixth seed into a Super Bowl win is the Pittsburgh Steelers.
So let’s face it, the Bears need to go 7-1 or 8-0 to prolong the season. What are the chances? Let’s take a look into the Beachwood crystal ball.
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Week 10: At Oakland
Beachwood Prediction: Raiders work best at sea on a boat. Bears are surprisingly great swimmers, leaving the Raiders defenseless. Besides, Al Davis is really, really old.
Winner: Bears
Week 11: At Seattle
Beachwood Prediction: Seahawks and Bears compete for the same resource: fish. So either the Seahawks go hungry or tempt fate by swooping down for the tasty salmon. Besides, with the game moving to the afternoon, the home fans will be without their requisite 1000 mg of caffeine.
Winner: Bears

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Posted on November 9, 2007

By Eric Emery

There’s one weekend every year that prevents me from watching a significant amount of football: My wedding anniversary. I admit, then, that I did not watch the Bears’ last game. I understand, though, that the Bears played like microwaved monkey turds.
I did get a chance, though, to watch Saturday Night Live last weekend. Like the Bears fan who keeps watching all the way through a four-interception performance, I believe that if I watch an entire episode of SNL, something good will eventually happen, even though it rarely does. Even if – like the Bears offensive game plan – I’m watching a rerun I already know is doomed.
That’s not all Saturday Night Live has in common with the Bears. Let’s take a look.

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Posted on November 2, 2007