By Eric Emery

Chicago scratched out a victory last week largely due to the efforts of the special teams. In a game where a previously inept Minnesota offense scored 41 points, Chicago showed a weakness: They don’t play defense well when they don’t know what the offense will do. This shows that skill alone won’t get the job done. Here are some ways the Bears can get up-to-date information on the opposing team’s game plan.
* Intercept game plan in old school way: Rob train carrying the mail.
* Intercept game plan in new school way: Hire Bill Belichick as Director of New Media.
* Call Brett Favre.

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Posted on October 24, 2008

By Eric Emery

Somehow in American society, polls now represent and measure every possible thought and belief within our society. Concerned about fishing in California? What about the preferred gift for Father’s Day? Ever wonder about the size of people’s iPods? I didn’t, until I found this. Polls express and solve everything. In this spirit, I propose that the NFL cancels the regular season, and allow polls to decide the winners of each division. In fact, we already have some exit results.

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Posted on October 23, 2008

By Eric Emery

Last week, the Bears fell to 3-3. Like their other two losses, the Bears employed one of their favorite plays: Fill the adult diaper with crap. Unlike their other two losses, though, the Bears used a little creativity. I appreciate their efforts, given that if the Bears were to simply use the same path to defeat all year, writing about them would become tedious and uninteresting. Perhaps the Bears need additional suggestions for thinking up interesting ways to lose. Below are some other creative ways to disappoint the Kool-Aid Nation:
* Lovie Smith replaces the playbook with the U.S. military’s original counter-insurgency guide.
* Lovie replaces Kyle Orton with Richard M. Daley. To make Daley feel comfortable, Lovie only calls misdirection plays.
* Allow fans to make next call through text-message voting.

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Posted on October 17, 2008

By Eric Emery

Last Sunday, I trod on dangerous ground. I watched the Bears game with four Bears fans. As the only non-Bears fan in attendance, I walked a very fine line. On one side, you must insult them for their taste in teams. On the other hand, too many insults results in you tasting their fist. So here are the dos and don’ts to attending a Bears party:
* Do bring food that is Bears-themed. While they are giving high-fives because of another four-yard run, you’ll get your investment back by drinking their beer.
* Do make sure your food gift is over the top. Consider blue-and-orange frosted cupcakes. Like moths to the flame, while you drink their beer.
* Don’t cheer when the Bears make a good play. You will be forced to high-five. Or, actually, high-ten.

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Posted on October 10, 2008

By Eric Emery

Here’s the funniest thing I’ve heard about the 2008 Bears:
“The Bears should be 4-0.”
Here’s the news flash: “If my aunt had nuts, she’d be my uncle.”

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Posted on October 3, 2008

By Eric Emery

On Sunday the Tribune published a story called “How to Make Chicago Better.” Assuming that the Trib failed to assert that Jim Belushi and John Cusack should stop being the unofficial spokesmen for our city, I didn’t bother reading it. I’m also guessing the Bears weren’t mentioned. But they should have been, given the integral role the team plays in the city’s psyche. So we’ll go where the Trib didn’t – we call this How To Make The Chicago Bears Better.

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Posted on September 19, 2008

By Eric Emery

A non-scientific study conducted by the Kool-Aid Report’s research staff has concluded that only five people on the planet predicted last week’s win over the Colts. Given their shocking prescience, we asked them to reveal what else our future holds.
* Barack Obama will win the election but step down shortly after taking office when it is revealed that he tried to get a federal earmark for a bridge to Northerly Island, or, in other words, a Bridge to Nowhere.
* The Cubs will crash-and-burn due to a reliever corps that becomes a Bridge to Nowhere.
* Britney Spears’ comeback is halted when doctors determine her frontal lobe is a Bridge to Nowhere.
* New ad campaign: This is your brain on a Bridge to Nowhere.

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Posted on September 12, 2008

By Eric Emery

As we approach this season, the Kool-Aid Nation has low self-esteem. The Bears’ fortune is tied to an inexperienced quarterback, a rookie running back, an injury plagued offensive line, inept wide receivers, and a defensive scheme that fails to adjust. Let’s face facts: The Bears have more question marks than that guy giving away the government’s money.
Yes, we were just beaten by J.T. O’Sullivan, but at least it wasn’t Peter Tom Willis.
No, the Bears don’t smell so good right now, but they don’t quite stink to high heaven just yet. Here are some signs that your team is really bad.

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Posted on August 22, 2008

By Eric Emery

After painstaking work, the crack Beachwood legal and document retrieval team has acquired the lesser known details of Brian Urlacher’s new contract. Do you think its easy being an NFL star? Imagine having to live up to these stipulations. Gladly, Urlacher has handled himself with the highest level of class, so I believe none of these will pose much of a problem. Here are the highlights:
* Be on-call 24/7 to serve as Lance Briggs’ designated driver.
* Once released, Urlacher retains all promotional and figure-action rights to the Paris Hilton sex tape. Also known as the George Lucas Rule.
* Required to give full answers to all reporters’ questions, unless one of these phrases appears in the question: “arthritic back”, “offensive futility”, “missing Cedric Benson”, “poor receivers”, “quarterback controversy”, “once proud Bears defense”, “what are you getting all your kids (and I do mean all) for Christmas”, and “have you thought about a condom?”.

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Posted on July 23, 2008

Today marks the one year anniversary of Bears fans collectively saying “We’ve one good offensive player away from the championship.” The Bears drafted such a player in the first round, and quickly received a beating from the NFL.
Perhaps the Bears need to change draft strategy. Perhaps the key is to draft from a different talent pool. Here are my recommendations:
Round One: Draft one of Todd Stroger’s many public relations representatives to help the Bears Front Office sell Bear fans on the idea that they are one player away from a championship.

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Posted on April 24, 2008