By Eric Emery
Most years, a Bears Super Bowl appearance hangs in the balance due to a host of “Ifs.”
For instance, the Bears go to the Super Bowl if Grossman stays healthy, if Tommie Harris returns to form, if Urlacher keeps it in his pants, etc. Mostly, everybody knew these “ifs” were insurmountable hurdles to success.

Beachwood Bears: Another Super Bowl Shuffle Worse Than You Think Calendar Bears The Hester Man CanPLUS: The College Report TrackNotes: She’s The One Ofman on Jordan

This year, it’s a foregone conclusion: The Bears are going to the Super Bowl.
This team is nearly bulletproof, in which only the most extraordinary of circumstances will keep the Lombardi Trophy out of Chicago.
Here are those extraordinary circumstances.
* Hollywood lures Devin Hester away to star in Forrest Gump II: The Return of Gump because they need another fast character with no brains.
* Olin Kruetz kills a man for snoring.
* Jay Cutler forgets to rein in his rocket arm, causing his receivers’ hands to explode upon contact.
* To help games from being dominated by the defense, Lovie Smith hands off the defensive play calling to one of the four defensive coordinators on the team.

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Posted on September 11, 2009

By Eric Emery
Is Jay Cutler the Messiah?
He’s at least Messiah-like. He shares initials with the big guy, his middle name is Christopher, and he’s done battle against non-believers. In his (His) senior year of high school, he led his team to the state championship against Zionsville. Oh, and he was born in Santa Claus, Indiana.
If that isn’t enough for you, here are some other similarities between Jay Cutler and Jesus Christ.

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Posted on July 21, 2009

By Eric Emery

Though the Bears fought to the end, they missed a chance to move to the post-season because they forgot to win the last game. Upon further review, this isn’t the only thing they forgot to do this year.
* Players forgot to ignore the advice from teammate and ex-Lions player Kevin Jones.
* Front office staff forgot to acquire a competent back-up to the oft-injured safety Mike Brown.
* The NFL forgot to schedule the Bears/Lions match-up a third time so the Bears could reach 10 wins.
* Defensive Coordinator Bob Babich accidentally yelled “missed tackles will keep your job around here” too many times.

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Posted on January 1, 2009

By Eric Emery

I have now seen two Bears games at Soldier Field and I can report that the crowd there adopts the worst attributes of Chicago’s baseball crowds – the Cubs’ fans tendency of being drunk and inattentive to the game, and the Sox fans tendency toward conflict and violence. Here are some “Do’s and Dont’s” the Soldier Field crowd should learn.
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* Do start crowd cheers. Example: Let’s Go Bears! Let’s Go Bears!
* Don’t start cheers with shoehorned syllables. Example: Here We Go BBBEEEAAARRRSSS Here We Go! Bad cheer structure decreases enthusiasm.

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Posted on December 19, 2008

By Eric Emery

Everybody knows that when a friend buys your ticket to a game, you are obligated to buy him at least two beers. And unless you truly despise the home team, it’s also courteous to root for them even if you normally wouldn’t.
So I’ll be rooting for the Bears tonight, because I’ll be there on someone else’s dime. Let the record show that a Bears win is against my self-interest, given that my fantasy football opponent has Matt Forte. Regardless, I’m what a co-worker calls a “football mercenary;” you pay me, I root for your team.
In fact, I might actually go the extra mile and bring a sign. Look for one of these in Section 320:

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Posted on December 11, 2008

By Eric Emery

In the battle of Nature vs. Nurture, Nature took a bigger beating than the Bears. In court documents, Urlacher’s baby momma contends that Urlacher confuses his son by painting his son’s fingernails and dressing him in pink pull-ups.
Normally, such an allegation leaves the battle of Nature vs. Nurture a draw, until you find out the confusion that is the Bears’ defensive scheme. If left in Chicago’s scheme for three years, even the Marlboro Man would drop his trail-worn boots for Gucci shoes. You be the judge:
* In team huddles, the defense is to chant “1-2-3 Care Bears!”
* Defensive personnel package names: “Rainbow Bright,” “Strawberry Shortcake”, and “My Little Pony.”
* Plays are diagrammed using empty plastic tea cups. Lovie’s favorite doll, Mr. Meansley, signifies the crowd.

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Posted on December 5, 2008

By Eric Emery

What the Bears have in common with Forrest Gump.
Jenny to Forrest: Listen, you promise me something, OK? Just if you’re ever in trouble, don’t be brave. You just run, OK? Just run away.
Lovie to Kyle: Listen, promise me something . . .
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Lt. Dan: I am living off the government tit! Sucking it dry!
Brian Urlacher: I am living off my contract! Sucking it dry!
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Forrest: Mama always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them.
Bob Babich to defensive unit: Let me explain the fundamentals of the pass rush one more time.

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Posted on November 20, 2008

By Eric Emery

Almost the whole country is in love with one buzzword: change. Please ignore the fact that in six months we’re likely to tire of “change,” and we’re going to love “charity,” “respect,” or “temporary tent cities” more. Notice that I stated almost the whole country is in love with “change.” One man hates change: Lovie Smith.
Lovie refuses to change the defensive call to help limit the pass. And Lovie refuses to change the offense so it plays to Rex’s limited strengths and limits the effects of his limitless weaknesses.
After further review, Lovie’s problem is not hubris or obstinance. Lovie simply does not understand ANY meaning of change. Here are some common definitions and Lovie’s understanding of them.
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Definition: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one’s name; to change one’s opinion; to change the course of history.
Lovie’s Definition: Lovie is afraid to take a boat trip because of the fear that “the boat will fall off the face of the Earth.”

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Posted on November 14, 2008

By Eric Emery

Here’s something we all can agree on: everybody loves a vacation. It’s a good time to kick back and separate from the stress and pressure of everyday life. Sometimes, however, duty calls, tearing you away from your dreamy existence. Now that Rex Grossman’s vacation is over, we got to wondering: what did Sexy Rexy do with his time off?
* Played a tape of Lovie saying “Rex is our quarterback” over and over and over again.
* Totally didn’t read those memos from Ron Turner regarding the game plan.
* Continued to visualize what it took to throw the ball to the opposing team.

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Posted on November 6, 2008

By Eric Emery

Since the Bears had a much deserved bye week, the players caught up on some TV. During the season, most players record their favorite shows, then watch all the episodes during the bye week. Here are everybody’s favorite shows:
Bear: Brian Urlacher
Favorite Show: Jon and Kate Plus Eight
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Bear: Lovie Smith
Favorite Show: Lost
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Bear: Tommie Harris
Favorite Show: My Own Worst Enemy

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Posted on October 31, 2008